First time in history!! !! The NT/AS open hotline ! !! !! !

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My personal take is not to worry about others who try to flirt with your man. Trust your man and ignore the fools. I try to take it as a compliment when other women seem interested in my husband. I know he's going home with me. They can try, but they can't win. If he were flirting with them, that would be another matter, but he's never more than polite. Half the time he isn't even aware they are trying to flirt.

I think your response was perfect. If someone compliments his smile, you can simply agree, "yes, I love his smile, too." Then gently and quietly steer him away from the intruder. You win, she loses.

You only have to affirmatively state that he's taken if it goes beyond flirting and someone is trying to arrange a date with him. Then you can clear your throat and say something like, "I guess you didn't realize it, but he's with me."

Hello, I am new here on these forums I have question for you all:

How do you know if someone is your friend or not? I just recently got back to college after summer vacation, and my roommate seems like he is my friend but I have a strange feeling that he is making fun of me behind my back. I don't know, I guess I just need some reassurance because it has driven me insane as of late, because it is so hard for me to make new friends, I want to know the ones I have are actually my friends. So, the real question, is are the general guidelines so I can tell who my friends really are? Thanks for your time.

Been there, done that.

Beyond having a minor crisis and seeing if they are there for you or not? No, there is no test to tell the difference between someone who is "friendly" with you and someone who is a "friend."

I wouldn't even rely on the invitations test (ie, do they include you in social invitations for events you might enjoy?) because some people have "outings" friends, and "serious talk" friends, and do different things with each.

A friend will not talk about you behind your back.

I learned long ago not to worry about it. Take what they offer you in the way of friendliness; don't seek more. The occasional "want to go down to dinner with me?" and so on is fine; that is a normal sort of thing for roommates who are friendly, even if not close. By playing it loose you can't be made a fool of. Well, unless they are truly trying ... and no roommate who still has to live with you after would be dumb enough to try that hard to alienate you.

If your roommate wants to further the friendship, most likely, he will.

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Reading back over this, I rather wish I wasn't saying, "play it safe," but what I focused on in your question was the worry that he was making fun of you. The best way to get rid of that is to not care. Most everything else gets too ugly, in my experience.

Normally, the social world is full of risks, and you've just got to take them. But each person has their own limits on what failures they are able to take, and that guides how far you go on the risk.

End User topic

I met one of these the other day, as I watched him take advantage of someone at a garage sale. He asked for freebies from the woman hosting the sale, to "give to seniors groups." I heard how he took advantage of her kindness in giving him a few things and asked for a lot more. When I told him that this is a paying sale, he ignored me and buttered up the woman giving him things.

What a damn jerk.

Knowing what your weaknesses are and actually accomplishing a change is the precise nature why As people are at a disadvantage, much like a one-armed person who knows how to play the piano but physically unable.

And actually many of us are sensitive to making allowances, but the stupid NT's still run things and I daresay most of them would wish us dead because they can't read us well enough to make us conform as we don't see things the same way or even pick up the social cues that the hints are there for us to "change" our ways. Our differences are threatening to them, but honestly their way of ruling the world is sanpaku, spiritually degenerate and satanic.

You will find out all this vis a vis your child and then the rude awakening will set in and I hope and pray you will be just as angry as most of us here are when our deficits are called to task and we are made to fail because we don't fit in, and the employer justifies all of this as just "Darwinism in action".

It's a heartless world I wish it would just end now. Mainly heartless because Aspies don't rule. That would be true justice IMO, with the tables turned, with wailing and gnashing of teeth.

In my experience, AS are actually less likely to make allowances for other AS (possibly, in part, because they may not realize they are AS) than many NT's are. I realize that is a broad generalization, and many of you won't agree with me on it, and it probably is true only in certain types of encounters, but it is what I believe I've witnessed. Explaining it would take a very long post and maybe I'll do that someday, but not this day. I just don't have the time.

Sometimes people choose to ignore the conditions stipulated for the thread in the opening post. I'm not a mod, so I can't do anything about it. Just ignore any hate posts, you have enough hard work answering all the questions Aspies or NTs ask.

Greentea, I think I made a connection last night, lol. Remember when you were talking about those public situations where someone was creating conflict for you, and you took the flack from 3rd parties for responding? Isn't this kind of like the Sally test, regarding theory of mind, in that you had no idea the 3rd parties were not experiencing or at least aware of (and if they were, not interested in) the irritant that caused your response? ie, its a bit of assuming they know what you know, isn't it?

That's a very interesting observation, I hadn't thought about it.

Indeed, recently, probably due to all I've learned from you guys on this thread, I've started to think that maybe much of my frustration and anger with people is due to the fact that I think they understand me when they actually don't, and the fact that I think I understand them when in fact I have misunderstood them. We always compare Aspie and NT to 2 different languages, but it's actually a lot trickier than that: because we use the same language APPARENTLY, but with different meanings. This can cause a lot of misunderstanding, which is worse than non-understanding.

If it's any consolation, I have discovered that even NTs of different Personality types also go through this kind of miscommunication. I'm sure the same thing happens between Aspies of different personality types also. The same words can have different meanings, for people of different personalities.

Sorry if this has been covered, but what exactly do NT's find 'scary' in some of us? I ask because of a few instances when I noticed what I think was fear from an NT. I didn't have a meltdown or go on and on about my interests, and I have not engaged in physical violence in a very long time. For concreteness, I'm thinking of three examples:

-Some guy asked me something, at the same time I cleared some things off my desk - he seemed to think I was about to physically attack him. Maybe I moved the things in a somehow violent manner? Too suddenly? Note that I was sitting down and he was standing, so it would've been hard for me to attack him. This was not someone I'd quarreled with or anything, this was a stranger. I didn't have anything that could plausibly be construed as a weapon either.

-I was walking back from having lunch with a bunch of people, and ran into a girl from my department - an NT, but very odd girl. I asked her about a recent trip she made, where she'd been, that sort of thing. She physically backed towards the wall and seemed to be crouching - a little more and she'd have started clawing at the ground to dig a hole to hide in. She was also mumbling a little. This was broad daylight on a crowded street, in the presence of common acquaintances, I didn't have anything that could be construed as a weapon and my questions were I think pretty normal ones. We've never been close but we've had conversations before, we've never quarreled. There was nothing secret about her trip. Some days later, I ran into her and she acted normally as far as I can tell and asked me some questions about what she thinks is my part of the world.

-A girl I used to share an office with, had talked to a number of times, had common friends, left some months ago. I've run into her twice on the street, and twice she just looked away, pretending not to see me, with what I think was a 'deer in the headlights' look. I once considered asking her out and, wanting to get to know her better, invited her, along with several other people including a common friend, twice for dinner (different occasions) at my place, both of which she declined (we'd both gone to dinner together, as part of a group, before, so it's not as if we'd never socialised before outside the office). I don't think I was pushy about it, I didn't go on and on about it or anything.

I'm pretty mild-mannered, so it has to be something to do with weirdness rather than any reasonable fear of physical violence that scares people, at least people that know me a little.

Thank you! That was a great response. I get what to do now.

pbcoll, I don't have time today, but I will try to answer your post later .. unless someone else gets to it first

btw, I find your avatar scary, lol.

Lol, apart from having black hair I don't look like my avatar

Quoting DW regarding first impressions

If that criteria were used, I don't suppose Einstein would have landed that job at the Swiss patent office where he says most of his most beautiful ideas were hatched. "Well Albert, if you will promise to make an effort to brush your hair, stand up straight, and stop wearing plaids with stripes, I guess we could find something for you to do here."

Sad but true, DW.