First time in history!! !! The NT/AS open hotline ! !! !! !
1) Did they take the time to figure out how to dress appropriately?
2) Are they properly groomed?
3) Is their posture confident (desirable in the US for most jobs) or insecure?
4) Do the clothes fit?
5) Do they exhibit the type of personality that succeeds in the particular job?
I also notice things like if color selections are flattering and well coordinated BUT I also know that doesn't tell me anything about the person's ability to do the types of jobs I've interviewed people for. Just something I notice.
You're really looking at things that are within everyone's control, and if they were willing to make the effort, and able to, get it "right." Someone who doesn't get multiple friends to proof a resume, who doesn't take the time to brush their hair, and so on, is consider less likely to try to dot the i's and cross the t's at work.
If that criteria were used, I don't suppose Einstein would have landed that job at the Swiss patent office where he says most of his most beautiful ideas were hatched. "Well Albert, if you will promise to make an effort to brush your hair, stand up straight, and stop wearing plaids with stripes, I guess we could find something for you to do here."

Sad but true, DW.
Excellent point. When one is interviewing, part of it is knowing what it takes to succeed at that particular company. I was interviewing people for a very intense CPA firm where they would have a lot of client contact. Funny, though, at the time we prided ourselves on hiring smart characters that other firms didn't think had enough image ... but the firm was still demanding quite a bit of image, I have to admit. Honestly, unless my AS son just has to has to has to get into my profession (and so far all indications are that he has zero interest in it) I wouldn't suggest it as a career choice; I think it would be really frustrating to someone with his unique strengths and weaknesses, and I am sure there are other careers that will value the skill set more to his benefit.
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Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).
I looked for and found on Facebook a primary school friend. I wrote her a nice message and suggested linking as friends, which she agreed to, but she never answered my nice message. Now she wrote me, over a month later, asking for names of people from our school so she can contact them. I feel used. Do I have to rack my brain, work hard and make a list of our classmates of 40 years ago for her? What would an NT (or an Aspie with better ToM than mine) do in my place?
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So-called white lies are like fake jewelry. Adorn yourself with them if you must, but expect to look cheap to a connoisseur.
I would modify the above post a little and send it to her:
I looked for and found you on Facebook. I wrote you a message and suggested linking as friends, which you agreed to, but you never answered my message. Now, over a month later, you write me asking for names of people from our school so you can contact them. I feel used. Do you really expect me to rack my brain, work hard to make a list of our classmates of 40 years ago so you can contact them when you didn't have the courtesy to make the next move in establishing a friendship by sending me a return message? I don't understand this kind of behavior at all. Sorry, I must decline your request.
...................................................................................
Now, Greentea, please understand that this is my initial thought on how to handle this situation and I am working with "fog brain".
Obviously, you, like most Aspies, take friendship very seriously and do not initiate a friendship without putting your heart into the request. Your old friend, on the other hand, seems to take friendships lightly. So, if you were to send her message like the above, she would be shocked and think that you were the rude one. Perhaps it would be best to make it short and sweet and forget about this person altogether as she probably is not, as evidenced by her apparent lack of interest and nonchalance, the kind of person or friend you hoped she would be. She is probably clueless that her behavior could be viewed as rude.
Maybe just message her saying:
Sorry, I'm very busy and don't have the time to make such a list for you.
Then, wait and see what her next move will be. If she's friendship material she'll get back to you. If not, not much is lost.
I'd probably say something like - "Oh wow! It's so long ago I can't really remember, I was kind of hoping you could help me out with that actually lol If you find any let me know though and I'll do the same. Byeeeeee!

I'd probably say something like - "Oh wow! It's so long ago I can't really remember, I was kind of hoping you could help me out with that actually lol If you find any let me know though and I'll do the same. Byeeeeee!

I think this is what I would do.
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I am the steppenwolf that never learned to dance. (Sedaka)
El hombre es una bestia famélica, envidiosa e insaciable. (Francisco Tario)
I'm male by the way (yes, I know my avatar is misleading).
Wow, how do you guys come up with such perfectly NT-acceptable reactions? I'm a zero at these things. Is your AS not heavy on the ToM side? My AS mostly affects my ToM.
What I had thought I might do was ignore her message as she ignored mine and write her again if and when I ever feel like it or need a favor. Then write her an unrelated message, totally ignoring the contents of her message (including the request).
She says that she replied to my message but didn't get a reply from me so she thinks maybe hers got lost. I find that hard to believe, though. I mean, do messages get lost on Facebook? And the person reappears a month later, with a quite cold message for 36 years no see, and asking a favor?
_________________
So-called white lies are like fake jewelry. Adorn yourself with them if you must, but expect to look cheap to a connoisseur.
ToM? Probably not, more likely just the experience of recent disasters telling me that we should be a lot more circumspect in these situations. We tend to run straight out into traffic when we need to stop and look both ways. I've realised that though the first implulse is the true one it's very rarely the best option all round.
I looked at what she was doing, ie being really sneaky and trying to use you and overstep the boundaries that she created by not replying to your original mail. Then I flipped it and sneakily made sure she knows where that self-imposed boundary is. What it seems to me she was doing is testing you to see how far she could push you, if you'd replied with the names she wanted she would have continued to take advantage.
This way you send out a clear message you're not letting that happen while at the same time being very nice about it. The last thing you want to do is give her the oppertunity to be offended by anything you say superficially, the intent of the message can be as nasty as you want though.
The thing about her pretending her message got lost is a good example. Obviously she never sent one and we all know it's not possible to 'lose' a message in that way but she's still managed to sound acceptable polite about it and you could almost believe her but you know you should also be offended at her lie.
She's created cognitive dissonance as a way of distracting you from what's actually going on. She could be trying to get in touch with childhood friends (surely she has other ways of doing that?) but she could also be looking to get a 'typical' reaction from you, don't give her the pleasure.
OR I could be as paranoid as people tell me and this is her way of reaching out to you to make friends... Remember I'm not NT.
Last edited by Hmmmn on 16 Sep 2009, 9:35 am, edited 2 times in total.
This is just my interpretaion, which could be totally wrong, but.. I'll give it a shot. (this is my first time viewing this thread, so if I mention something that's already been said, please excuse me, as I didn't read but the last 2 pages)
I think that we view friendships, and communication differently than NTs. I find facebook to be pretty much as confusing as socializing IRL, for this reason. I've noticed NTs add hundreds of people to their page, and I know that it's not possible to actually be good friends with all those people. It's more of a way of social networking for them. They like to what I would call, people collect. I have only about 30 or so people on my page. When I add someone, I almost always fully intend to actually communicate with them. I wouldn't add someone just to add them, so that I can get more friend suggestions. It seems empty, and pointless to me to do that. However, I do think that many NTs think of this as kind of socializing-lite. It's almost akin to the 'hi. How are you' thing that they do as they pass people they barely know. To us, this seems pointless to have even said it in the first place, because nothing was shared, besides the fact that 2 people recognized each other, and acknowledged that they did so.
I don't know what the message was that you sent;ie how long it was, or what that you had said. If it was short, and didn't ask for much in regards to answering, she may have thought that just adding you was the same as acknowledging the message. The "hi, how are you" thing. I think that because we view friendships as very serious business with fewer levels of closeness than NTs we have to be very careful in assigning malicious intent to their motives. I know that for me personally, if I were to ignore a message like that it would've been because I didn't like the person, or they offended me with what they had said, so I just decided to not acknowledge them. However, with an NT the reasons for not responding are (sometimes) different, as I stated above. She was probably really caught off guard when you asked her why she didn't reply, hence the white lie about it being lost. I don't think that her asking you for a list of classmates was strange, considering how I've witnessed NTs using facebook, and I wouldn't say that she's all out using you. That's probably a question she would've asked any former classmate. I think it's possible that she only wants a very casual acquaintance type of friendship, but you were viewing it as a closer friendship. You don't have to give her the list, just because she asked it of you. It wouldn't surprise me if she didn't send that message to everyone that was from the same school, and she probably would've never noticed if you hadn't ever replied at all.
I think it's really easy for us to get paranoid, and assume the worst of other people's intentions. They have all these unwritten social rules that they follow, along with all sorts of nonverbal communication that we're not reading, and from our POV there really IS all kinds of things going on that's hidden from our view. It can really make it feel as if they're purposely being sneaky when they're just doing what they do, and we're just doing what we do.
No, I never asked her anything, let alone ask her why she ignored me. I'd never do such a thing.
The reason she started with a (stupid, lying) justification is that she, like any NT or Aspie, knows (without needing to be told) that ignoring a message from someone you haven't seen in 40 years and who took the trouble to look for you, is disgusting, not to mention hugely mean, and that, since she's now asking for a favor, she'd better cover her ass before or I'll never ever want to do her any service.
_________________
So-called white lies are like fake jewelry. Adorn yourself with them if you must, but expect to look cheap to a connoisseur.
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The reason it's so well thought out is because I had the exact same issue (without the asking for a list part) happen to me about a month ago. I've been mulling over it since, trying to make some kind of sense out of it. I know that this person isn't a nasty backstabber that would intentionally harm anyone. He's always been a very kind person, and from what I've heard from a relative that ran into him recently, he still is a very nice person. So... I had to make sense out of why he had ignored me, without him being rude on purpose as an option. He's not a nasty person, he's just an NT being NT-like.
No, I never asked her anything, let alone ask her why she ignored me. I'd never do such a thing.
The reason she started with a (stupid, lying) justification is that she, like any NT or Aspie, knows (without needing to be told) that ignoring a message from someone you haven't seen in 40 years and who took the trouble to look for you, is disgusting, not to mention hugely mean, and that, since she's now asking for a favor, she'd better cover her ass before or I'll never ever want to do her any service.
So, she brought up the 'lost' message herself when she messaged you about the list? Am I getting that right?
Now you're getting it right, yes.
Mind you, I have absolutely no problem with someone not feeling the desire to answer a message of mine. It's perfectly legitimate and I even encourage it as a spontaneous act of genuineness in any kind of relating among humans. Coming back later with lies-for-the-naive and asking for services is also, in my opinion, anyone's right. Since humans all have the same rights, I also have the right now to ignore her message and come back at some point in the future with some lie-for-idiots and asking her to work for free for me. To which she has the right to ignore my message again, and reappear months later with some stupid excuse and asking for some favor I'll again never do to her. Which I will, again, ignore till I have some work I want her to do for me for free. It's all so free on Facebook, so respectful of everyone's needs, so undemanding, so non-pressuring, it's lovely! You don't need to acknowledge a message, you can just reappear if and whenever you feel like or need work done for free! You'll be ignored as you ignored before, of course, but still, it's a wonderful tool of "communication". LOL
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So-called white lies are like fake jewelry. Adorn yourself with them if you must, but expect to look cheap to a connoisseur.
I loved Serenty's response, I think that is a good assessment of how many people use Facebook, and I also like Hmmm's suggested response, as a "get back without causing serious harm" idea (the only way I do get backs). And it was just plain funny.
And I still owe pcoll an answer on her listed situations ... just, those take more time, and I keep running in here meaning to run right back out.
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Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).
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