Do you love or hate having aspergers/autism?

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Totally agree. HATE IT, HATE IT, HATE IT. Sick of all the abuse and bullying I had to put up with when I was younger, and the scars that can still burst open today without warning. Sick of having to deal with all the co-morbid conditions (especially depression and a severe anxiety disorder). Sick of feeling like a naive little girl trapped in an adult body. Sick of having to take a bunch of meds to keep myself together because I'm so exhausted from faking being NT long enough to plod through each interminable day. Sick of having the first four decades of my life stolen from me. Sick of having to put in three times as much effort to get through the day as NTs do. Sick of being a junior in college and living by myself (during the week anyway) for the first time in my life at age 44, and doing a really crappy job of it. Sick of having to be so proactive and to go through all this therapy and extra crap just to be able to marginally function.

I am working incredibly hard to improve, and I have made miraculous progress in the past few years, but I am beyond weary. I'm seriously questioning whether it is worth it to become a full-fledged functioning adult in this society (have a steady job, etc.) if I will have to go through all this extra effort behind the scenes for the rest of my life to in order to make it happen. My physical, mental, and emotional health are already rapidly deteriorating under the strain, and I've only been doing this for 10 weeks. Perhaps I need to finish out the semester and go back home and resume my "daddy/daughter" relationship with my husband (who is only 3.5 years older than me). Don't get me wrong, we love each other tremendously, but I SO want to take my rightful place as an adult female who can take care of herself and be a full partner in this marriage. Asperger's Syndrome is a cruel thief that has stolen so much of my life. I am making a superhuman effort to claim what should rightfully be mine, but I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.

I'm also from the 70s, and I saw a lot of sad things black people have to deal with. I remember being at summer camp and seeing a girl put soap on herself to look white, because it was too hard to be black. I know black people who killed themselves, and many of them have a very hard time getting acceptance. I live in a mostly white town, and when I see somebody get pulled over by cops, it seems to be a black person a disproportionate number of times. Lots of black people are depressed.

I just acted strange, and had trouble fitting in. People judged me based on something that was uniquely me, rather than my appearance. But I can sort of fake being normal, and learn to adjust to out culture. A black person can never fake being white.

I don't understand why on earth a non-white person should have to fake being white? Life has more challenges than skin color, believe me! Again, I have to reiterate that I strongly suspect that my neurological wiring was the cause of much of my suffering, not my lovely skin color.

I wouldn't say either love or hate. It is what I am. I accept it (for I have no other choice) and I have lived with it to my best advantage.

ruveyn

Hate it. All I want in this world is to be able to understand the people I love, and to express how much I do.

It has given me fantastic SAT Critical Reading scores, an encyclopedic knowledge of Celtic myth, and an idiosyncratic dress sense that I thoroughly enjoy. Not much of a payoff if you ask me.

Hate it. But some days are better than others. After being on an antidepressant for 10 years, I've been off of it for about 6 weeks (to see if it was interacting negatively with another medication i was taking). My love of music has come back since I've been off the meds, but the depression/anger is starting to be overwhelming, so I think I'll probably go back on them. On some days for some reason I am able to direct the anger outward and it's a little bit easier. But I don't know if getting an official AS diagnosis would help me or not.

Hate it. All I want in this world is to be able to understand the people I love, and to express how much I do.

It has given me fantastic SAT Critical Reading scores, an encyclopedic knowledge of Celtic myth, and an idiosyncratic dress sense that I thoroughly enjoy. Not much of a payoff if you ask me.

I wish people understood me whenever i have a meltdown, thats one of the things i hate about being autistic

[edit]: What I find so interesting is that most people actually enjoy being autistic, that has actually most surprised me.

I hate my autism more then anything in the world!

I'm not surprised that some pole like it and some don't, what does surprise mr are people who think those who are ok with it would be better if they were changed, or cant seem t understing why some one wouldnt want to think like people with out it

I can't pick either option.

I wish I could interact better, because I know I lost a lot of opportunities in my life due to simply not getting what was going on, or understanding certain things that I discovered years later after it was far too late.

I wish my addiction to the adrenaline buzz eye contact gives didn't make me stutter.

I wish I knew about it years ago, so I could have avoided the long periods where I was just angry at everyone and everything, because I didn't feel like a part of the world in any way.


Yet, my focus and curiosity let me develop an amazing level of understanding about science, physics, and now that I am focusing on it, mathematics.

I love that I can get a similar rush that skydivers get just by staring into my girlfriends eyes as long as I can stand it, or effects like an LSD trip from the right music, a comfortable chair, and headphones.

I love that I can identify with animals so intuitively, it's funny, my birth name wasn't Max, though my mother said she almost chose it when I told her Courtney renamed me. The name my mother gave me means "Gentle Physician of the Meadow", which is kinda beautiful when you consider how in tune I am with the other passengers on this planet with us.


Then again, I want to cry that I didn't know earlier, because I have a passionate urge to be understood, and help others be understood. I always loved babies, and vice versa, because I see that there is a little person in there who aches to understand and be understood.

If I had realized what autism meant, I would have had to seek out others who had trouble being understood and do anything I could to help them.

Babies grow out of their locked in phase generally, not everyone does, and I hurt for those who can't express themselves enough to simply ask for understanding.


Dammit, I'm crying now.

I haven't been diagnosed but I wish I was normal. On the other hand, a lot of people respect me for what I have to go through... I think... I say what I mean and I mean what I say, which is rare in the NT world.

agreed, so why do you wish to be normal?

I'm just really tired of feeling different. It's very confusing.... Like even when posting on this forum I think.. "Should I rephrase that? Is that crazy/weird?" but I just say: "To hell with it"......

dude, different doesn't necessarily equal bad.

I know I'm different than everyone else, and I have no regrets about it. To be fair, I wouldn't want their lives anyway.

I like being who I am...and I assure you, you might not really love the experience of being "normal" as much as you think.

Believe me...it's one thing to be on the outside looking in. When you're actually on the inside...the perspective changes drastically....

Uh... I am normal.

They're the weird crazy ones, not us.