Psychologist says I will probably be denied SSI.

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G'mornin', Meadow!

Doing okay this morning?

If its cowardice for me to live on SSDI/SSI, so be it.
I choose stability over my children sleeping on the street. And I wouldn't dare presume to know why others are on SSI or judge them for their reasons. Just because you have the courage, ability, means and support to do something does not mean we all do.

I'm sorry. I should really think about some things I say before I type them. I think I was just annoyed that a lot of people who have (real and legitimate) disabilities will live on SSI, which amounts to very little, because it is stable, when they could work towards a job, simply because it is dependable and they know they can count on getting (barely) enough to live on.

I know a lot of autistic people are really, really frightened of not knowing what to expect; and that employment often is risky and difficult to keep. And I guess I was angry because I constantly have to live with the reality that I may not make it in school, that I may be truly unemployable, and have to live on disability no matter what I really want. I ended up being so stressed that I became physically ill last quarter, and had to drop out; and the only reason I was able to come back to school at all was that I spent every last penny from the money I earned last summer for paying for that missed quarter of school; and I know that if it ever happens again, I will be fully dependent on the government.

I don't like being dependent on anybody else. It frightens me that someone could decide that I'm too disabled to go to school. And on the other hand, I'm frightened that if they decide I'm not disabled enough, they could take away my SSI and leave me unable to get a job.

I want out of this system. I want it more than I want almost anything else. This is a horrible way to live and I cannot imagine anybody wanting it because it is more "stable".

If I were to say anything about people who are on SSI when they have a chance at work, thanks to it being a dependable way to get enough to live, maybe I might say that it is a sign of cowardice, unwillingness to take the risks that come with being employed. But people who think that SSI is a source of stable income... are probably wrong. You can lose it anytime they please.

I wish nobody would have to take those risks to be employed; but I really think that most autistic people can work--even those labeled "low functioning"--given training and decent accommodations. I'm very angry that in many places there are no good ways to get those things. My own anxiety and frustration and desperation to spend my life doing something useful sometimes spills over, and I say things that aren't correct. People who are searching for stability aren't necessarily lazy. They're just afraid to risk their lives on the bet that if they look for jobs, they won't fail and freeze to death in a cardboard box next winter. I really shouldn't be so harsh.

DragonflyDreams, You are no coward and I'm sorry that anyone would make such gross judgments. Don't let it bother you. It is on them and no other. It's ignorance and isn't even worthy of notice. I hope you're having a good day.

I frequently wonder how it's always the Christian who doles out the cruelest judgments where most of us know better than to judge another, and when the bible clearly states you mustn't judge lest you be judged. It's a hypocrisy which is seen all too often. It's always uncanny that way and why I have little or no respect for many Christians because of it.

...I'm on SSI myself. I'm calling myself cowardly too.

I think it's called "being human".

You know, I've been here for years, and I don't think I've ever done anything that qualifies as unjustly judging people. This is the first time, I think, that I've ever done it. And immediately you blame it on my being a Christian?... No. Sorry. That isn't logical; or at least, it's as logical as blaming it on my race or my gender. What people often don't get about Christianity is that it isn't actually about following a bunch of rules. It's about acknowledging that you are in fact imperfect, and that there's no way to escape that imperfection. It's about needing God. I said what I said because I am human and I sometimes do stupid, wrong things. I apologized because I've learned enough to know that I can be wrong--and often am.

Thanks Meadow Your words cheered me up. You're right. I don't understand it, and its not worth my time to try to figure it out. I can only live my life the best I can. And I am!

I do hope you're feeling better! Meltdowns are never fun. I was very close to one myself today.

I really think if only things were different, we could work, even the ones who have meltdowns like clockwork in the wrong situations. If only people would be willing to work with us instead of expecting us to be cookie-cutter employees, we'd be just as good as anyone else on their payroll, and better where we're talented. And while I maintain that it is cowardly not to try to work, you did note I mentioned that the thing people are afraid of tends to be that they'll lose their jobs and freeze on the streets... which can and does happen to people who end up homeless and such... if you think about it, that not a very high degree of cowardice, really. I have to admit I am very ashamed of taking money from the government, because from every part of the world I get the message that anybody who takes anything from anybody else is a freeloader, a drag on society, etc... and yes, it's because I'm afraid of risking losing my job and dying in some cardboard box somewhere. It's because I know that if I lose SSI, I will end up homeless, and that is not something I can survive for very long. It doesn't stop me from basically hating myself for taking money from anyone.