I was a very controlling, obsessive, odd, innappropriate, sexual, loud and excitable (the last two only at home) child. Very "bull in china shop syndrome." Although I did take ballet, the pictures and videos of me in my tutu even just standing among the other children make me cringe. I was pretty tall, chunky/sturdy and clumsy looking. I was often told I was beautiful but to me it seems like I always looked like I was high on drugs or like I just woke up. I had and have quite a lot of culy hair, which until I was probably eleven or twelve was never really brushed well silnce there was so much of it. My clothes often had stains on them. The clothes my mother usually picked out for me were unusual, often thrift store bargainis. They were usually nice brands, but really outdated.
Videos of me at a birthday party at age six, very strange. I wasn't even really interacting with my "friends." I was playing on the swings, playing with my presents. The other kids were off playing their own games together. A few did approach me but I never included myself in their games.
At school, I was practically mute. Autism was sort of mentioned when I was six and I was viewed through a two way mirror. However, I'd been born with a 25% hearing loss in my right ear, a Eustachian tube dysfunction it was called. It cleared up on its own by the time I was seven. It was decided my lack of social reciprocity and spontaneity was due to the hearing loss. But I know in my gut it was asperger's. I was teased relentlessly by both the girls and boys. At age eight, a large group of my classmates linked arms and threw small rocks at me on the playground. I was called a loner and a weirdo. In seventh grade, I was told I would probably end up being a serial killer because I was so quiet. This was right around the time of Columbine. The worst group of girls told me I was going to be dead after class on a daily basis.
Videos of me at 12: loud, outspoken, very funny, self conscious, somewhat provocative. Very opinionated. I remember that being the beginning of my obsession with wanting to be sexy. I would spend hours in front of mirror, seeing what I looked like when I stood a certain way, when I walked. I had lost weight and had developed somewhat early. I was and am quite attractive, but my personality didn't match - I was a nice person but not social- and thats what I think stumped my peers. Many of the boys at school liked the way I looked but then lost interest once they saw how I was, with the painful shyness. Some of the girls were jealous, but certainly not all. I didn't have cheerleader good looks, I had the look of more so "innocent and sweet femme fatale." They were somehow combined in one. As I got older I cultivated more of a smart but bad girl look.
There is a video of me getting my Dad to take videos of me in different outfits, and sitting and standing. I am always extremely embarrassed to watch these videos, because of how innapropriate and self absorbed I was. I am still working on that aspect of myself.
Quite emotional but didin't express it well or appropriately. Extremely sensitive. Its definitely gotten better. I can pass for NT usually until someone gets to really know me. I was often told my writing skills were verging on extraordinary for my age. I was writing articles for the town newspaper at age thirteen.
By high school I had developed an eating disorder and was severely depressed and reclusive. My parents had me institutionalized for a year and in and out of programs for another two. Asperger's was again sort of mentioned but it was decided I had PTSD because of my history of being bullied for years on end. At the time I was convinced being as thin as I was somehow made me seem less strange as a person. I thought maybe people would see the eating disorder and look past the fact that I had bigger and more lifelong issues. Did it matter I was practically dying? Hell no. Because for a few years I was actually given compassion and understanding. Its sad, that that is the first time I can remember feeling genuninely understood and accepted, in the hospital.
College: I went to a junior college and graduated at the top of my class, was in the honor society and was a leader in my academic peer group. My stories were getting published in national academic contests. In the fall I'm going to be attending a private all girls school in Western Massachusetts. So it does and has gotten better.
10 Feb 2010, 3:10 pm
....i wish i would have had video footage of me as a youngster....it is truly a valuable tool to see how you behaved in sooooo many different ways
