The "are you ok?" invaders

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Yes you are being cynical. Mean sprited. Grumpy. An ass. Rude. That's the way I see it & I suspect that's the way 99% of the people on the street would see it. The tinest smile and an "I'm OK, thanks." would make all of the difference in the world. Continue acting the way you have though and most people wouldn't bother to pee on you if you were on fire.

I'm sure you have a point, but I'm equally sure it vanishes like a little fart because YOU sound so rude.

I can't talk and often have serious trouble responding to people. But when I do manage a nod, or "uh huh", in response to the question, it has amazed me that many of them still call the cops. It's like no matter what I do I can't get people to leave me alone. And by leave me alone I mean not calling the cops. Calling the cops when someone has indicated they're okay seems even more overkill than just calling the cops because I'm out walking does. And it actually puts me in danger if the cops aren't trained in disability stuff. Autistic people have been shot and tased by cops.

I once sat on a bench in a quiet place thinking by myself, and being absolutely fine.
Some people passed by and asked me if I was okay.
It made me wonder a lot. Why shouldn't I be? I couldn't guess why. I think I answered: yes I am, why? (and really meant: why?).
But after a short time, the same happened. Some other people passed by and asked me if i was okay.
That annoyed me. Why should I have to not be okay, just because I sat in my own thoughts?? I answered: "Yes. Are you?"
Is it like you have to be with people and talk and laugh in order to be okay?
Or was it my aspielike zone-out-expression that they thought looked un-okay?
It might be the last thing. But I didn't know I was aspie at that time.

As for the "smile" thing, I don't experience that very often. The only people I have heard say that, are drunken guys who think they suddenly have got a degree in psychology, just because they have had 4 beers.

Worse is when they try to read my mind and tell me that I don't look like I have a lot of self confidence. And they don't even know me!!
How do they think it's a way to contact a girl? (usually they say it together with "you are pretty" or such). Thanks for the compliment, but don't play shrink towards me, thanks!
What do they expect? That I throw myself crying in their arms and go "boo-hoo, oh how good it is that you have come to save me from my lack of self confidence and that you can see all through me".
Don't know if any girls find it attractive when a guy tells them that they look like they lack self confidence?? I guess not.

Last edited by AnnePande on 01 Apr 2010, 10:40 am, edited 1 time in total.

Keep in mind it is not easy or even possible for some people to smile on purpose. I used to be able to do it but I can't now. If I try to smile my face looks just as blank. I can smile when happy but this is fleeting and doesn't last as long as it would for others.

If someone tries to get me to smile there is no way I could smile even a little smile or say "I'm okay thanks." And since that's not possible, and often either nodding or saying "uh-huh" isn't possible either, I have no choice but to look as if I am ignoring people.

When you hear about autistic people believed to be unaware of others you are often hearing about people like I currently am -- sometimes incredibly aware of others but unable to coordinate the movements to give the normal signals of awareness.

One interesting thing about that is that a reporter once said that I didn't acknowledge her presence at all. The reality was I was so panicked by the TV camera that I ran away from her and looked out the window. In order to do that I had to be aware of her presence. But she didn't notice because the signals I was sending were atypical. But it amazes me how many people don't get that "looking everywhere but at you" is as much indicating awareness of your presence as looking straight at you is.

Smiling used to be painful. I mean keeping it on me all day. Yuck. Now I smile all the time because I think happy thoughts and I don't even know when I am smiling.

Exactly. And no, you're not just "maybe" being cynical. You expanded this whole "are you okay" thing to a rant about corporations and society. That is a classic example of cynicism. You take something innocent like that and turn it into some predatory sociopathic behaviour.

We are known to have odd facial expressions, postures, etc. So if people have no other explanation, they're gonna assume that something's wrong. If a dude's lying on the ground or sleeping on a bench, then how the f**k am I supposed to assume he's just napping? I'm gonna assume he's sick, hurt, high, or drunk.

As for the smiling thing, well not only do people tend to assume that people who smile frequently are happy, but it also makes them feel good when someone smiles at them.

Some of these posts recently seem to mix up what I think are different situations.

If someone I know asks me "how's it going" every time they speak to me, well I can understand that it's a formula for them, and that it feels rude for them if they don't ask. They probably only expect a formulaic reply too along the lines of "fine thanks, how about you?" If I can remember, I'll probably use the formula with them myself - it costs me nothing to be polite. The only time people generally follow that up and say "no, really, how ARE you?" is family or the doctor - someone who expects a genuine reply to the question.

If someone I don't know (in a store, or sitting next to me on the train or whatever) picks up on my habitually gloomy expression and says "cheer up" in a jolly voice, then I know that they probably mean well. They're being a bit pushy maybe, because for all they know I might be doing my best to handle a great personal sadness or something (I'm generally not, but they don't know that). But it's likely to be good-natured, prompted by the fact that they feel sorry for someone who seems to them to be miserable (which in fact I might well not be, but they can't tell). Certainly it's not worth ranting at them, anyway. I have a few stock answers that seem to work, along the lines of "I'm a bit tired" or something. Sometimes these people are in reality looking to start a conversation because for them it's a comfortable way to pass the time and they've no way of knowing that it would be really hard work for me to do that. Wearing headphones seems to discourage this.

If I am acting strangely (looking zoned out, lying on a park bench, or whatever other examples have been given) then even though I know that I'm OK it's perfectly justifiable for someone passing by who sees me to worry that I'm sick, or hurt, or drunk/drugged or something and to ask me if I'm OK. I've got no business being cross with someone who is being thoughtful, even if I'm dreaming and they make me jump or I am made uncomfortable by their speaking to me. Perhaps if I tell them I'm fine and they keep pushing it anyway and don't believe me, then I might get irritated with them after a time, but I've not had that happen.

But having said that I appreciate that it can be more difficult for people who can't manage to get the words out. A small smile and "yes, I'm OK thanks" isn't too tough for me, and that's generally all it takes for me to be left in peace. But that's not so for some people and in that situation I can see how it might be more difficult.

Yes, I get this a lot as well, and it drives me crazy. Even my wife, who's generally very understanding and lets me do my thing, does this occasionally. It's not an everyday occurence anymore, though, and I'm not sure why. I don't know if I've gotten better about not doing the blank stare (or the smirk, which is what I seem to have developed as a substitute for the blank stare) or if I'm just not spending as much time around people who don't know me.
I still get it when answering the phone, though. It's wierd. I never really did the monotone voice in person, but I do it over the phone (I've heard voicemail messages of myself so I know what I sound like) and it really throws people off.

Thank goodness someone's brought this up.

Yes, I've had my fair share of invaders, but I think that many of these people genuinely care.

I was slightly irritated by their approaches at first, until I tried tho think about the situation from their perspective.

I've noticed that, any girl or woman on her own may be perceived as lonely and vunerable.
Females, as a general rule, tend to travel around in pairs or packs for mutual protection.
That's unless the woman is jogging (ie unable to stop) or has a dog or man with her (these are for defensive purposes). I have rarely ever seen a woman go on a solitary walk just for something to do, she's either with her friends or rushing to meet someone else.

That's why all the questioning.
It's unusual for a woman to enjoy her own company in public.

Nobody usually minds if it's a man walking about by himself.
Men are allowed to go on solitary walks.

Myself, I don't mind that people do it, I appreciate that they care, but nonetheless if I am zoned out I do panic a little when jolted back to life.

Maybe you could ask people you know to approach you slowly and in vision??

I've always wanted an Alsatian for this reason.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with checking up on a person who looks like they might be in distress of somekind. In fact...that's exactly what we should do as responsible and ethical members of the human race. And I will admit I went too far when I objected to people merely smiling at strangers. There's really nothing wrong with that either. I just have a problem with people who ASK complete strangers to smile. To my mind, that is an unnecessary and pointless invasion of another person's microcosm. Even many of the happiest people in the world don't walk around with smiles on their face all the time. It's just an issue of respect to me. I would never bother a complete stranger unless I have a damn good reason to. This is because I assume most people have alot of things to do and think about (especially in a complex, fast-paced and stressful society like our own) and they don't need their train of thoughts and actions interrupted with such petty and meaningless remarks.

Also....it puts the other person in an awkward position. Maybe they don't FEEL like smiling for one reason or another. People should be free to express themselves anyway they please. No one should expect a person to smile on cue and then judge them in negative light when they fail to.

OK.....I admit I went way too far with the rant about corporations/society and all that.

My only real problem here is people who ask complete strangers to smile. For the life of me, i'll never understand why some people feel the need to say such a thing to a total stranger. If someone isn't smiling, then I think it's safe to assume they have a reason for not doing so and that reason is good enough for them. Others just ought to leave it at that and stop asking people to smile on cue.

I agree asking someone to smile is not really nice behaviour. Asking if they are ok is one thing, but saying they should be smiling is too in their face.

Exactly....and it puts the other person in an uncomfortable and awkward position.

I read the rest of your post, AnnePande, but I really liked this part. I used to ask, "Why?" after my answer and now I think I'll start asking, "Are you?"

I once told someone to smile, but it's because she was my coworker and she's a waitress. We are supposed to be trained to smile for our jobs. I was half joking, just because we're supposed to smile; I didn't really care if she was happy or not. I realize I may have put her in an awkward position, but I knew her and I told her that it wasn't a serious order. I never normally tell anybody to smile, especially not strangers.

Strangers (and even acquaintances) are one thing, but friends are another. I will also never understand why a stranger will feel a need to ask how a stranger is doing -- a need! Also, if someone somewhere isn't smiling, then that's not an issue for me. Is everybody supposed to express happiness all the time? I don't ever suspect that when someone isn't smiling then they're sad. I never assume something is wrong. Actually, this thread just introduced that idea to me! Is there someone here who believes that when a person is not smiling then that person isn't okay? When you're not smiling then does that mean you're not "okay?"

As for the "good Samaritan" argument, I guess that not everybody is taught this. Nobody taught me that I am "supposed" to check up on strangers. I know, I know, people with Asperger's Syndrome tend to be in our own world anyway so we probably will not think twice about a nearby stranger. We may not even notice them in the first place. But even if it was my poor upbringing, or if it is part of my inability to pick this phenomenon up on my own, I have NEVER ever been told nor felt the urge nor the need to check up on a stranger seemingly in distress. Is there someone in this forum who was taught to do this? Did you pick it up on your own? Even if the person says they're "okay," then do you feel you've done a good deed?

Please answer my questions that are in bold. Not only would I appreciate it, but it would be helpful to contribute to this thread. Add any relevant information, briefly.