How do you cover for not recognizing people?

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poopylungstuffing
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24 Apr 2010, 2:06 am

sgrannel wrote:
I don't cover very well and often get caught out for it.


ditto...I simply tell people that I sincerely have trouble recognizing faces...and
let them deal with it as they will...
some people are offended..some people understand...



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24 Apr 2010, 3:33 am

I rarely use peoples' names when I greet them, but I hardly ever get called out on it. Watch closely as NTs greet people - it's usually one of three things:

1) The person recognizes the other - There is a sort of warm smile, sometimes accompanied by physical engagement (handshake, hug, or some other thing depending on the relationship) and words along the lines of "Hey Bob, how's it going?" or something more specific related to their last meeting or some shared experience.

2) The person recognizes the other but can't remember their name or exactly what their relationship is - The person takes a more formal, upright posture, puts the "I'm trying to remember something" expression on their face, sometimes tilts their head a bit, then cautiously offers a handshake and then greets the person in a more formal manner.

3) The person believes the other is someone they've never met - They stand straight, squared to the other, offers a handshake and says something like "Hello, I'm Dave. It's nice to meet you."

In my experience you can usually leave out the "Bob" part of "Hey Bob, how's it going?" without causing offense as long as you offer the correct posture and facial expression. I simply avoid doing anything that can be interpreted as #2 or #3 above unless I'm confident I really don't know the person. I put the same warm, comfortable smile on my face and say "Hello" or something close to that and watch for the start of a handshake movement. If they don't know me they'll usually introduce themselves and I can switch to new person mode.

Once a conversation starts I can usually place the person. If my cover does get blown I usually apologize and say I'm a bit distracted today. That seems to move the conversation forward better than explaining how I don't remember faces or names, which most people can't relate to.



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24 Apr 2010, 3:50 pm

I'm horrible with names, not just of people I meet but characters in a book, a movie, anything. You don't need to use a person's name to talk to them, though, so I just carry on like always whether I remember their name or not.

I'm somewhat bad with faces too (this can be problematic in period movies where everyone has unusual clothing and hair and so I can't easily keep track of who's who by non-facial cues), but unless someone asks something like "Do you remember the last time we saw each other?" they have no way of knowing if I recognize them or not. I tend to be somewhat expressionless much of the time, or politely smiling in a social situation with a large % of people I don't know well, so my face doesn't give me away.

I think the crucial thing is not to freak out and start stammering or whatever you do when you're socially anxious; they can't read your mind, so they don't know that you don't recognize them or remember their name. Just keep chattering on, or nodding politely while THEY chatter, and they'll almost never catch on... because they ASSUME that you know who they are unless you give them reason to believe otherwise.


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AdmiralCrunch
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26 Apr 2010, 4:31 pm

Sound wrote:
However, of late, I've realized that a simple apology can profoundly color a person's perception of you.... Detrimentally.

QFT! This is extraordinarily true in the business world -- I'm amazed it took me so long to realize.

I've (partially) solved the memory problem by instituting a procedure via keeping my phone on in my shirt pocket. Whenever I meet someone I know I'm likely to meet again, I pretend I have a text message right after greeting the person, fumble out the phone, and quickly hit the video record button while stating the person's name again. ("Sorry XXX, I thought it might be a message from my family...") If it goes right, which is about 50% of the time, I can then photoshop the video for the best still photo of the person's face. I've written a program to randomly show the person's face against some other random people's names and organizations -- the more I consistently get the person's info right, the less likely I see it the next time. That's my lunch-time entertainment.
Sure, this is an incredibly complicated solution, but it works well enough to justify the time.


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27 Apr 2010, 1:02 am

I generally tend to warn people the first time I meet them that I won't learn/remember their names for the first few meetings because I am bad at remembering them. Gets you off the hook for the first few times, and after that people tend to assume that you know and just never use it.
As for faces, I tend to go the other way - I will often see someone who I think is someone I recognise when in fact I have never seen them before. So I don't talk to people I know if I meet them in a place that I wouldn't expect them to be. If you know them well enough then THEY will almost always acknowledge you, in which case you acknowledge them back without thinking. And then sometimes carry on walking thinking "do I know that person?". Very helpful that - if they expect you to acknowledge them or start up a conversation with them then they will almost invariably do it to you - and then if they start talking there are other ways of recognising them. :)



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27 Apr 2010, 4:54 am

pschristmas wrote:
I have a hard time remembering faces, too. I just laugh and apologize and let people know that I have a terrible memory for faces.


For me, it's an awkward explanation that "I'm sorry...I fail to remember".

yes, people get hurt...but it is what it is.

And when I do remember, I'll dash back and say "oh sh**, that's right; I am so sorry! !! !! !! !"

But I mention it in a way they know that I'm truly sorry about it, and it was nothing intentional.

I'm not one to try to cover up and pretend something when something else is the case; maybe most don't like it, but apparently with me there's a million things they don't like, so what's one more inconvenience, right? :wink:



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15 Aug 2010, 7:19 am

I remember names and faces, but usually by the type of clothes they wear. But sometimes when I see someone I know walking with others who I don't know, I can usually miss them.
Get this: I was waiting in the bus stop last week, and 2 boys walked by, One of them smiled to me, and I smiled back, wondering who they were. Then 3 days later I was frightened when my cousin (who I see most days) came round my house and told me that he passed me in the bus stop 3 days ago, with his friend. And I didn't even know that was him! I didn't know what to say, so I just said, ''I only saw your friend, I didn't see you properly 'cos you were walking the other side of them, then I realised who it was and waved, but you had gone past by then.'' I felt so stupid. Fancy your own cousin walks right by you and you didn't even reckognise who it was!

''What a complete idiot,'' he probably thought.



OneStepBeyond
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15 Aug 2010, 7:24 am

not very well



Joe90
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15 Aug 2010, 7:25 am

Wait a minute..... this thread has answered another thread ''Do People Stare At You?'' The reason why people stare into your eyes is because they are afraid that they might walk past someone who they know, so they just stare at everyone just to make sure who you are. Maybe we don't reckognise people that well because we're not taking much notice of anyone around us. We don't like people staring at us so that's why we don't stare at them - and then we walk straight past relatives, friends, partners, colleagues, neighbours, ect. Maybe if we start staring at people too, we won't walk past people we know.

Since my explaining skills aren't good, I'm not sure if this makes sense. But I tried my best, and I'm glad I've found a solution as to why we have trouble reckognising other people.



TheDoctor82
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15 Aug 2010, 2:04 pm

pretty much the same way I cover for all my other areas of social "inadequacy": I don't.

I just let my positive traits shine. I tell people I'm sorry that I don't recognize them, and yes they get offended.

Oh well...c'est la vie........