rooish wrote:
Hello--I'm hoping that some of you can give me some input here. I've been married for one year to a computer programmer who is in his 40s. He's basically a kind hearted and compassionate man with everyone else, though with me, I often feel lack of empathy or emotional connection. I do believe he loves me and he tells me this, but he doesn't often express it a way that I FEEL it. That, combined with other quirks makes me feel that there may be something else going on here. He won't get any sort of couple's or individual counseling for the issues that come up in our relationship, so I'm kind of wading through this myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm banging my head against a wall. So, the things I notice are:
*he seems addicted to online chess - he can play for hours on end, often into the wee hours, even when I beg him to come to bed with me
*he's always been a night owl, usually staying up till 2 or 3 a.m.
*he seems to get semi-obsessed about topics or hobbies...he'll be fixated on something for a month or two and then move on to something else. He says it's because he doesn't like his job and needs something to engage his mind
*he has a very hard time maintaining eye contact during intimate moments and during conversations about our relationship
*he doesn't seem to be comfortable holding my hand or hugging me for long (unless he's in the mood for sex!)
*he's uncomfortable in social situations, even though he'd like more friends - if I didn't invite people over, we would never have company
*my friends and family all like him and he's pleasant and fun around other people...seems to know what to say to carry on a conversation...but with me, conversations often end with me feeling offended or hurt
*he seems to have problems with spatial stuff...like knowing how to turn a couch to get it through the door...stuff that I can automatically "see", he can't.
*he's very intelligent about world affairs, politics, and good at writing articles, grammar, etc.
*he struggles with his programming job and usually feels that he's not doing as well as others
*he sometimes says he has trouble concentrating at work
*he cries easily during movies, but never when it's something in real life that I'm hurting about
*he has a tendency to be negative and skeptical
*he seems to give up easily on things that require spatial or motor skills..."I can't do it"...stuff that I find simple. But other things he can be very persistent, though it usually has to be something HE'S interested in, not something I've asked for help with.
*his interests are eccentric - things that are unusual, but kind of cool--I think he likes to be "different"
*he is a germophobe, and has some other phobias, too - blood, needles, etc.
*he sometimes (rarely) has panic attacks
*he's a very cautious person and tends to catastrophize
*he's addicted to sweets, but is trying to cut back
*he has OCD tendencies
*he sometimes repeats himself, a little more so than others, but not a big deal
So, if any of this rings a bell, I'd love to hear your input. I feel like my buttons are getting pushed and I end up angry and upset far too often. This is not how I normally am, and it's really worrying me. I'm someone who tends to get along well with people. A lot of the issues I mentioned aren't really a problem for me, but the lack of empathy and support hurts, I'd also like a husband who's willing to lie in bed with me at least sometimes (when I'm actually awake!). If I can figure out what's really going on here, it might help. Thanks in advance and sorry for the long post!
90 % myself , viewed from my wife's perspective.
A lot of problems ,on and off, to be honest.
She says I changed once we were married.
My interest constantly change and "they move from one obsession to the next" , as I'm told.
'It involves everything but people and no one is included", as this was added in too.
From my end of things, everything is fine, other than the complaining.
We had a heart to heart talk recently, and it boiled down to a suggestion that I need therapy or medicine or both.
I was also quite stunned at how my wife is " so lonely" and she said' I dont know you ,all I see is the back of your head ."
At this point I dont know if it is AS, broad autistic phenotype, or just plain introversion.
She read some of Attwoods book , the chapter on marriage, and commented that " not all of it applies".
My step daughter thinks I have autism ,though, but for one I feel I'm too functional ,as most with AS cant work and the ones that do, usually are disabled enough to not be gainfully employed.
I could eliminate the guess work, and get tested and spend 3000 , but we dont have that to spend in today's economy;both our hours are cut down now.
I really dont know what the panacea is here for me or you.
26 May 2010, 3:25 pm
