Aspie Girls Awkwardness

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I'm really awkward around people I'm unfamiliar with, better around those I know more personally.

I too was identified as gifted early on in school, and I think this did me more harm than good, because my parents often tried to pass off my differences as being different due to giftedness, which was SO not the case.

My major issues went unnoticed until the last few years when someone finally told me what was really wrong with me, up until then I just went with my lifelong label, designated by everyone I've ever met as being "shy" and "too shy". "Why don't I ever smile?" Everyone always assumed something was wrong with me just because I wasn't walking around with a grin on my face? I was told by teachers and my parents that I would simply grow out of it, or it would get better, or I have to just try harder, etc, etc. All things I'm sure you've all heard countless times. Well I believed it for a very long time, that my issues were something that was a fault of my own, something I could change if I worked hard enough. I basically had a bunch of false hope crammed down my throat for most of my life, so naturally I had some self-esteem problems in reaction. I was often told things like "You are way too smart to be shy, just speak up more!" Like as if it were the easiest thing ever. I wish I had met someone sooner who could have given me a better insight, instead of just telling me I was doing something wrong.

Now that I'm older I believe I come off as more nervous than shy. Perhaps because I'm always waiting for the next F-Up on my part. I know a whole day cannot pass without my encountering a misunderstanding or instance of miscommunication, usually embarrassing in nature.

Due to my auditory processing difficulties, I often guess what a person says to me, especially if they catch me off guard, it never ends well. As a child I would go mute a lot because of it, just to avoid the misunderstandings. My parents didn't understand, and would punish me for being either impolite or inattentive, or just plain non-compliant.

So I would say I was one of the girls looked over because they were quiet, well behaved, and never disturbed the class. If I knew then what I know now, I would have been a lot more disruptive. When I was younger the kids made fun of me for being clumsy, the boys teased me for walking with pigeon-toed feet, and tripping over my own feet, but when I got older some boys did indeed tell me they thought it was "cute" that I was clumsy. It was still more common to just be made fun of for the clumsiness though.

But with the shyness, nervousness and childhood mutism, I wish someone would have seen that I was just scared of messing up...and was terrified of being laughed at and put on the spot

My motor skills improved when I grew older and my posture became better with age too so I don't 'show up like a mustard-plaster on a sack of coals' like I did when I was younger. However, the moment I open my mouth it starts to show that I am different from the others so I do try to keep it shut.
I usually manage well with people I am about to see only once or twice. I put up a NT display easily but I can't hold it for very long. So the longer you know me, the weirder I would seem to you.
Mostly, I camouflage by wearing appropriate clothes (though I only have very casual and very formal outfits, nothing allegedly 'normal') and suppressing urges to correct the speech of others and the factual errors they might make. I don't accept invitations to dance at parties because I am still dead clumsy when it comes to any concerted movement with another person.
It is quite comical, actually.
'Care to dance?'
'No thanks (unless I am very wound up, if it is the case, I might say plain no).
'Now come on...'
'Get lost man, or I'll lock up your computer so well that you'll need a pickaxe to get inside.'

Oh, and leaving the place where the social interaction takes place as soon as I am not needed for anything. If I stay any minute longer at a conference, for an example, or an office party, I might start stimming, or worse, whip out a computer or a book. Which is also socially awkward but not as much, I think.

I'm a lot cooler now than I used to be. Most people think I am social and charming, but I definitely don't think so. I can be making small talk with someone and the DUMBEST CRAP comes out of my mouth and then I think "Ugh! WTF are you saying?!" but it's too late to take it back.

I'm also clumsy and constantly tripping, cutting myself. I use my hands too much in conversation and walk like a duck.

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I wear my awkwardness on my sleeve. Or along those lines...

I actually can't mask it. I walk weird, I'm fidgety, I'm textbook AS when I talk to people about ONLY my interests and I even dress a little strange.

I just play up the weird and accept that I'm so extremely different than most people.

I'm just awkward and weird. And kinda shy.

I think I did a lot of imitation to socialize, but I don't think I ever covered my social awkwardness. Generally speaking people seemed to take me as odd or even "too much" on occasion.

In most situations I can camouflage my awkwardness. My attempts usually make me appear meek and a bit shy to older people. To people my own age I have been told that I come off as stuck up and unapproachable. There is a lot of concentration that goes into trying to appear normal for me. By normal I mean not talking a mile a minute or saying something too quickly and not thinking of how what I am saying might affect the other person’s feelings. I have always been pretty conscious of this about myself but try as I might if I lack the concentration or I am exhausted, people just don’t take me well and I am often misunderstood.