Crying when angry or defending yourself

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When I get to that rare overload where the words shut down my thoughts end up slipping too. I can't put the words together to form sentences - it's more just a collection of concepts - the verbal internal dialogue almost feels like it is melting away. Meltdown is a very apt analogy. So, in an overload severe enough to affect my verbal function, I wouldn't be able to write. I just need time. Once I can calm down in a few hours, it all returns but I'll probably still be silent for a day or two. I can talk it is just too exhausting to try to engage in conversation beyond simple responses for awhile.

It is extremely rare for me to get to this point though. I can usually find a way to reel it back from the point of no return.

@dancinonwater - When you have a question can you write it out instead? If you explain, in writing, to your teacher about your emotional reaction problem, I'm sure written questions would probably be fine... If she has a laptop at her desk and you have, at least, a netbook,, you might even just be able to write all your questions out during class and email them to her and get answers afterwards.

@ todesking - Now that Dad in in your past, in might be a good time to unlearn that particular adaptive behavior. It sure sounds like you replaced angry for crying. I'm not saying crying is a better emotion by any means - but crying gets you in a whole lot less trouble of the serious kind.

@cubits - that is an amazing point to bring up. I don't get emotional in emergency situations either. I quickly go through all the logical maneuvers and do what needs to be done. Occassionally I might get an adrenaline rush afterwards but I never get emotional. I've never been able to understand that screaming/abject terror reaction. Now I know why! Damn those inappropriate emotional responses BUT this may be the upside of that particular problem! thanks for ferreting out the silver lining in this particular cloud. Being reminded of that actually does make me feel a bit better about the crying...

@ kfisherx - I am self dx'd - not official. I'm pretty damn sure though. In this particular instance, when they were all looking at me like I had two heads for getting so upset I did say "There is a good possiblity I have Asperger's too. I'm not upset - I'm frustrated. Let's just get through this." Most of them just went blank at that admission but the special ed administrator - as I now know, the district admin was their 'specialist" - got a sudden look on her face and changed her approach. i could see the lightbulb go on for her. All of a sudden the long written list of my concerns to open the meeting made sense. All of my 'weird' observations and 'unfounded' conclusions made sense. I went from being a wacko reading too much on the internet to 'oh, that explains it.'

She handed me tissues and gave me a minute. She listened differently - if that makes any sense. Where she had been fighting me tooth and nail for 40 minutes, suddenly she was actually putting weight to my words. I was fighting for a single change - social skills intervention. My daughter is alone in the lunch room and at recess. Both her doctor and the district's own psychologist noted and recommended social support for her. They initially denied it bec ause 'they couldn't see it' - their words. She is friendly, enthusiastic, outgoing, self assured and confident - but still having a very hard time making or maintaining friendships. And she is starting to become aware of it. Somehow, when I was an NT - I was reading too much into it. But as AS, she took it seriously and agreed to reevaluate her herself to look for the things I was telling her.

My daughter did get the revision in her IEP and she is getting social support. Some of it is ABA based but they are working closely with me. They already know my concerns. If their methods impact her self esteem at all, they know it's out. I worked hard to grow a confident kid - they are not allowed to damage that!

You - not crying - is HUGE! You can say all those things I try and say and can be taken seriously because; Your dx is not in question so you obviously ARE the 'authority'. Your personal success is a very weighty thing in their world. It gives you instant respect and authority - its a very 'alpha male' position to be in. You can deliver the information in a clear concise manner that they can understand - without emotion. Emotional displays screw them up. That is why they continually try to correct emotional displays from ASD kids. They can't NOT respond emotionally to others emotions. Everyone at that table in my daughters IEP was squirming in their seats they were so uncomfortable with my crying fit. Insdie I was all bulldog, raring for the battle, even confident in my position... but I was undone by something I just can't seem to control. I don't really care how you do what you do... just keep doing it!

@emmyblowgun - if you can, try and write out your arguments in advance. if you are going into a situation you know will set you off, at least you can start it off with your points. Having your points written, in front of you also helps you focus and keep the conversation on point. Keep at it. It sounds like you might be able to get a better handle on it.

@conspicuous - gender stereotypes piss me off and this one about 'be a man' make me just as angry. Are all men expected to be sociopaths? No one can EVER tell you you aren't passionate! You are breaking ASD stereotypes at the same time. I know how embarrassing it is in the moment - if you can find a way to have a laugh at yourself afterwards it helps with the personal acceptance. Be kind to yourself first and foremost. It's not a 'flaw'.

(on a sidenote; it is totally discombobulating when an old thread pops back up... I thought I missed all those comments since I last checked it... )

That's it then. That is the "secret sauce"... Next time go in and let them know that YOU are the "specialist". I never got an official DX either btw. I don't give a crap about their tests. Of course the fact that 3 different psychologists are 1000 percent sure is probably good enough to say it is official. LOL! But seriously, it isn't any more official than your DX. If you know that you are, then you are. I still don't believe I am most days. It's crazy. In any case I would totally OWN them with my self-DX too. My IEP meeting was also with the district SPED, his second in command and district psychologist, principal of the school and some other person who tried to impress me with her 50 years experience... meh... She was stupid... Anywho... Must be those giant brass balls you were talking about. And you are right RE the personal success. I started out the meeting informing them that I was in the top 1% of all people in the world for IQ and top 1% of all people in the world for income. Then I ask them who thought I was high functioning.... Then I reminded them of all the emails and back and forth of accommodations that I required... It really level-set the room.

Funny story same subject. My "Little's" Mom mentioned that she was waiting for one of the people at the school to object to something that is going on right now in my plan. My response was... "Oh PLEASE let us have that conversation." She LOL'd and said she'd buy the popcorn for that show.

I really think your corporate 'upbringing' gives you that serious credibility. And it's not that being in corporate culture makes anyone an authority on anything other than their chosen profession. Other people respect and abide by what they are told by successful people simply because of their success. Case in point: Donald Trump. In general, the man is a chucklehead. Yet, there was a decent portion of the rightwing nation that would support the man for President. The man knows how to make money and not much else.

And that was an example of people being blinded by another's success - not an attempt to equate you with a chucklehead...

You have alot of experience in 'handling' people. You do not necessarily need social skills to 'handle' people. It's a specialized skill and you have obviously learned it well.

I'm much more secure in my own dx now. I can clearly see my differences compared to everyone else now that I have a clear frame of reference for them. One of my less endearing traits in a debate of any sort is asking the self answering question. I challenge their beliefs by letting them disprove their own claims by answering my seemingly innocent questions about their position. It really infuriates people because they just don't realize they are being led until the end. I'm not even sure where I picked that up... my father maybe. He used to do it constantly. If I was going in there for any other reason other than my own child I could probably handle it. I've trained hundreds of corporate types. I've addressed high powered executives and have been singled out by owners of companies for my public speaking and training skills. Yet, I blubber like a baby in front of teachers in my daughters elementary school...

All that job stuff doesn't matter to me. My daughter may be the only thing that really does. I think THAT is my hang up. I'll have to think on that...

I do that sometimes...........

I used to do that a lot. Then I grew up and learned how to get purely angry. No stress, no worries. Just anger. Now I stay much more in control, and I make much more effective points.

Though, unfortunately, PMS likes to look at that and say 'wanna bet?'. :/

I do, but now I wonder if I cry when angry and get angry when I'm sad .