Useless advice from NT's

Post Reply New Topic

One of my high school bullies kept saying my mother was a whore, and he had syphilis because of her. Eventually I punched him in the jaw. He threw me on the floor, kicked me in the face, but after that, no one ever bothered me again, even though I lost the fight. So I guess violence does work with bullies, even though your eyes may end up being a bit swollen after that.

"Fake it 'til you make it" - No, thank you.

This sounds a lot like the sort of thing I´ve done. I spent years reading psychology books, analyzing people, writing down my observations, and developing and trying out various strategies. In my case, it paid off, because I seem to have more success these days; okay, there are still some types of social situations that I just can´t do at all- (like "getting out there and networking" )- but at least I have enough skills to do the more straightforward things. I remember when I was a young woman, how "stilted" I used to be. Which reminds me, that was another piece of advice I used to get a lot- "just relax".

Of course, in regards to social situations, I also got (and still get) the "just use your intuition" kind of advice.

This sounds a lot like the sort of thing I´ve done. I spent years reading psychology books, analyzing people, writing down my observations, and developing and trying out various strategies. In my case, it paid off, because I seem to have more success these days; okay, there are still some types of social situations that I just can´t do at all- (like "getting out there and networking" )- but at least I have enough skills to do the more straightforward things. I remember when I was a young woman, how "stilted" I used to be. Which reminds me, that was another piece of advice I used to get a lot- "just relax".

Of course, in regards to social situations, I also got (and still get) the "just use your intuition" kind of advice.

I had friends when I was little because we had things in common but when I got to 4th grade, I started to get left behind. It just got harder and harder to relate and be with kids my own age and I found I could relate to younger kids because of our interests. Now I have no friends.

There are people for everyone, but we are all kept apart by distance, age, disability, or other people's perceptions. I'd like to
volunteer with autistic kids, but can't negotiate with caregivers or organisations

I had friends in grade school, I tried to make friends in middle school but I kept none of them - they all, to varying degrees, turned to bullying me. I tried to make friends in high school and I annoyed most of them. I had exactly one actual friend my age in my 12th year, but we lost touch shortly thereafter.

I mostly related to adults when I was in school. Now in my early 40s, most of the people I know are much younger - in their 20s. Those who are my age tend to also be on the spectrum (although I have younger and older friends on the spectrum as well).

My oldest friend right now is someone I've known online since 1995 and face to face since 1997, and she is probably also on the spectrum. I know someone else who is still a friendly acqauintance whom I met in 1994, who still talks to me but is worse at keeping in touch than I am. I realize this doesn't mean he doesn't consider me a friend anymore, but rather that I don't know where we stand.

All other people I count as friends right now (a handful) are people I've met online in the past three and a half years, and these aren't people who came to like me because of my interpersonal skills, but because we started out sharing a lot of political and social values in common, I was (and am) pretty outspoken, and with that as an avenue for contact, I've made some lasting ... if not friendships, at least acquaintances. But I talk to them online. One reason I have so few friends going back over time is that the people I've met face to face tend to stop being friends at some point - either because I manage to get on their nerves in some way or because I find it difficult to sustain contact and eventually lose track of them.

I'd say a significant percentage of my online friends/acquaintances are on the spectrum, and I met most of them before I'd come to terms with being on the spectrum myself (although in all honesty I have to admit that I knew, I just tried not to think about it).

I have a few acquaintances nearby I can visit, but not very often - they live over 100 miles away, and we're on good terms mostly because they're fans of my writing - both online and published - and I was introduced by someone else. If we narrow it down to friends who live close enough to visit regularly? I don't have any.

The internet is my social life. I'm actually okay with this as I don't really enjoy being physically around people all that much and would rather just be invisible most of the time when I am. It's not that I never want to talk to anyone, but it's rarely enough that I'm pretty comfortable being alone. The internet gives room to interact with people without having to actually deal with all that face to face stuff.

I would like to help autistic adults, or kids maybe- (kids make me more nervous, and there doesn´t seem to be much help for adults anyway, so maybe I could help?)- but I have no idea how to start. Do I just show up at an autistic center somewhere and offer my services? I have a terror of doing anything remotely social which is out of the ordinary, and I have a fear that the people would just laugh at me. So, in the end, I do nothing, chiding myself for my inertia.

What problems have you had? Problems starting it all, like I have, or actual problems negotiating with people? Do you have any knowledge or suggestions about how to get involved? Does one need actual training to do this sort of thing?

I´d be curious to know what your experiences are. You can pm me if you want, as I know it´s a bit off topic.

Any advice from anyone is usually trash. When people give you advice they are telling you that you can't think for yourself. Hey, if you could think for yourself on any issue, you wouldn't need advice on that issue.

I despise it when people say "everyone else has the same problems" thinking they're helping, what a sad way to trivialise what I'm going through, something almost no one will ever have to face.

Yeah...for sure...could you imagine someone using that cheap line in response to someone who's an alcoholic, someone who went through divorce, or lost a loved one, or is bipolar or suffers post-traumatic stress disorder...wouldn't that sound flippant!! !

While the line itself doesn't sound judgmental (contrasted with "you really need to try harder and listen to what people are not saying to you"), it's too vague. So, why not a happy medium, e.g. "well there are others who are struggling with the same as you, think of what solutions you could come up with together to overcome your gaps, in a support group setting...and besides, I like you for who you are."

Sometimes, I think these NTs are just "playing it safe" trying to give advice on a condition they know very little or nothing about. Would it be that difficult for them to say "Well, I can't say I've heard (much) about Aspergers, so I can't really comment on your situation, I'm sorry." That would be more diplomatic than making a bunch of generalized assumptions in dispensing advice.

Thinking for myself is highly overrated. I'm under no obligation to follow anyone's advice, so when it's unsolicited, I don't let it bother me. Maybe I'll follow the advice that applies to my situation, and ignore the rest. Getting advice on the best way to approach a particular problem (from someone who has a lot of experience in that area) saves me the hassle of "trial and error".



Tear away the labels, and what you're really talking about are people who rely on bad coping skills and emotional "crutches", people who have lost or felt betrayed by someone they trusted or loved in their lives, and people who have had to deal with life changing trauma. It's a way of telling someone that most people can relate to the problems you're dealing with, and that those problems are pretty universal. The only problem with "everyone else has the same problems" is that it's an "empathetic" statement rather than a "sympathetic" statement. The statement shouldn't trivialize a problem, it should be a way to let someone know that they're not alone in feeling the way they do.

Me: I had 2 girls laughing at me today in a shop.
Advise: Don't worry about them - they're not worth it. Just ignore them.
But when I have people laughing at me, I get all upset and take it to heart, because they wouldn't laugh at me if I was nothing to laugh about. So there must have been something odd about me to make them snigger and smirk.

Me: I feel I am getting used at my vollunteer job. The other day I got blamed for something I didn't even do, and I reckon they done that on purpose because they knew I can take any s**t.
Advise: You just have to stick to your guns and stand up for yourself.
But standing up for myself is a type of social interaction what I find the most hardest, as an individual. I know I will say the wrong thing, and people will either just laugh at me or think I've gone all huffy then there will be an atmosphere, making me feel REALLY awkward and upset. I can't cope with all that.

Me: I don't like people looking at me in the street.
Advise: Then don't look at them then.
But when I don't look at anyone, I then never see people I know, and I then end up walking straight past a person I know, and they might think I'm unfriendly, so I end up having to explain myself why I didn't see them as they passed. I then look stupid and blind. But I don't like looking up at people because I then catch their eye and they then stare at me. It's a vicious circle!