Unintentionally pissing people off and aspergers?

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I'm sure there are some Aspies who unintentionally tick people off while also sometimes purposefully ticking others off or being mean.

So, I think there are some intrinsically mean Aspies who also have a knack for unintentionally ticking others off when that's not their intention. I'm thinking I might be of that type, although I'm not really "purely" aspie.

I heard that also was a tendency of those with language disorders and expressive language deficits. That is, the "underlying concept" they were trying to communicate wasn't intrinsically 'mean', but since they have a hard-time understanding how others will interpret their sentences (Or it just doesn't "come out right"), it unintentionally sounds mean (Or online, looks mean.). I'm thinking that might more accurately describe me than the aspergers model.

The more I keep reading this thread and on Babycenter, the more I wonder how often I tick people off and they just don't say anything. I was accused of being snarky once on Babycenter when I told someone "excuse me but I never said she couldn't say she has three kids so don't put words in my mouth" and I was serious. I don't like it when people put words in my mouth and translate what I have said so I told her excuse me just like how other people say that too when you say something they didn't like or did something they didn't like.

Then I also see women on there saying they aren't saying it to be snarky or asking to be snarky they are just curious and asking a genuine question and I wonder how that is being snarky and why people would think they were. Then it makes me wonder how often do people think I am being snarky when I am not. I often make people laugh so I have been wondering if it's the things I am saying and they think I am joking because if I said it to someone else, they be offended and think I was putting them down or something. One time I was talking to my husband and I told him how I said to the people at WIC I would feed my baby before I go grocery shopping so he won't bug me and they just laughed. My husband told me "You actually said that?" and I said "yeah" and asked him if it was a bad thing and he said I made it sound like I don't like him all that much or whatever he said. I said it is true, he won't bug me if I feed him before we leave, there be no interruptions since it doesn't take us two hours to grocery shop. Okay so what if I had said that to someone else about their baby. "Good thing you do feed him before you go anywhere because you sure don't want him to bug you?" Would the mother have been offended thinking I was accusing her of not liking her baby all that much? So good thing I said that about myself only than to someone else about their baby or going on Babycenter and saying to all the women on there good thing some mothers feed their kids first before leaving so they won't bug them. But yeah I do have a husband who teaches me stuff and then I realize. I still don't understand but oh well. Of all the other stuff I was saying at WIC making these two women laugh, I wonder if that was all wrong too I said and if I had said it to someone else about their babies, they would have been offended so these women thought I was joking since I was talking about myself only? Or was I saying things lot of people wouldn't normally say?

I realize NTs get this same issue too we get, we all say something innocent and people think we are being snarky or implied something. Especially when they ask an innocent question and 50 women jump down their throats in their thread with hostile responses and rudeness. So common on Babycenter. Everything I see there I always think it's an innocent question, same as when people ask questions I think they are just curious, not being snarky.

Quoting LeagueGirl:

I've been following your posts with interest for a long time LeagueGirl and I have never seen you being mean or snarky. You are one of the most honest and genuine members on this site and I think your honesty is refreshing and charming. I think the way you speak (post) is referred to as "disarming." I think most Aspies have a disarming way of speaking. And I think it makes people who have antagonistic or less trusting natures suspicious of them and throws them into attack mode.

Once a psychologist told me that I had a disarming way of speaking. It was a long time ago and I wasn't sure what he meant by it, but I took it to be a compliment, which it is. I think he said this because when I first met him he asked me if I had any questions for him prior to becoming his patient. I said, "Yes. Do you like women?" He seemed kind of shocked by my question, but after a few moments thought he said "Do I like women? I am in awe of women. But why do you ask?" I told him that I had recently had a dream where I met a man and put my hand out to shake hands with him and instead of shaking my hand he started giving me all this hand jive which I couldn't reciprocate or understand. In the dream I said to the man "I know what's wrong with you. You don't like women."

The strange thing is, after a month or so of therapy with this psychologist he told me that he was gay and that his partner had recently died of aids. If I remember correctly, he told me this because I had asked about all the paintings on his walls which he explained were done by his partner and that they were going to go into business together designing fabric. And then he started to tear up and get emotional and told me about his partner dying of aids. So I then understood why my question about him liking woman shocked him when we first met. To fully understand this example you would have to know that this happened at a period of time where there was a lot of hateful discrimination against gay professionals going on, when people could lose their reputations and jobs and aids was seen as a gay disease and it was also around the same time that the movie "Philadelphia" came out, and interestingly enough, my experience with this psychologist happened in Philadelphia.

Sometimes people who are disarming leave other people at a loss for words. They just don't know how to react and automatically respond or interpret your words in a negative way and become defensive. This is probably what you are up against in the Baby Center.

Anyway, LeagueGirl, I hope you always remain as disarming as you are. I have a plaque in my house that says "This house is a haven. With love we disarm."

I'm pissing my dad off. because i wont take anything he wants to give me, and why not? then people have a thumb in your business so i'd rather remain self sufficiant and worry free unbound by someone elses feelings

Honestly, I think we're always going to piss people off at one time or another. I think we aspies need to learn to:

1. realize when we pissed someone off
2. know how to diffuse it and use conflict management

http://www.communicationandconflict.com/conflict.html

I have used I statements with my wife and it works wonders. If a situation occurs in which communication breaks down I take ownership of the problem even if I think she is it fault. I make an effort to override blaming. I think this is the number one thing we can do. We do not need to blame anyone or anything that occurs even if it is the other persons fault. I have had to do a lot of research to figure this out. Figure out a way to make something your fault even if it is not your fault. Instead of saying you did or said x. Say I thought you said or did x. If you're late at work do not blame traffic. Say to the boss, "I thought I had plenty of time when I left for work. I need to leave earlier and I apologize for this oversight on my part."

From what I understand blaming is never acceptable except when you're a victim of a crime like assault or rape. In America, people here have certain beliefs, morals, and values that come from a historical background or context.

Hrmm. Unintentionally pissing people off would be a symptom of not realising, or assuming, information about the person you piss off. So say you comment on some woman "oh wow you are pregnant? That must be exciting!" would almost certainly piss that women off if she was not pregnant.

So as Aspie's, in general, have trouble recognising social queues and understanding social etiquette it makes sense they would unintentionally piss people off more often than others.

This reminds me of the time at Babycenter where I was reading a post by a woman who had just had her baby. She was at a mall and went into a store and when she was buying things, the cashier asked her when she was due and the woman was upset by that question. All the women in that thread were calling the cashier an idiot and told the mother she should have asked her when she was due. Or was it the mother that was cashier and it was the customer that asked her? I don't remember.

I honestly thought the woman had to get over it and it doesn't give her the right to be rude just for an innocent question asked. I guess we better not ask any women when they are due because what if their pregnant belly was just fat or what if they had just had a baby. But they aren't even worth an apology if they respond that way. Unless they have their baby with them, then it's obvious they had that baby and they just still have the belly. But I recall the mother didn't have her baby with her.

I do that often. Especially when I tell the truth.

Whoa. Totally uncalled for. As for the OP, I've said stupid things that were insulting to others before I realized my comments were actually insulting, and I never meant for my comments to hurt the other person. I was just being blunt about how I felt about the issue being discussed.

By "disarming" way of speaking do you mean our intent is to speak without offending? (I'm picturing the receiver in the conversation as a soldier-type caricature, lowering a gun, or disarming, like we want to discourage hostilities before they start)

And even though our intent is pure, the receiver sometimes lacks a point of reference and interprets our words negatively? So, even though we want them to lower their gun (in the vision in my head), they are confused by what we said and kind of shake their head and shoot us anyway, assuming we are on the attack?

Like it League_Girl's example she said "excuse me" which would hopefully diffuse any possible conflict before it starts, or disarm the receiver. But somehow the message was misconstrued and the receiver got pissed off anyway.

Or perhaps the disarming way of speaking is instead catching someone off guard to where they get flustered and unconsciously drop their mental defences. Like in your example with the psychologist....he wasn't expecting the question, so he was unprepared to answer and was forced to be honest, or "disarmed" of his usual coping mechanism of professionalism.

Does that make any sense? I tried to google "disarming way of speaking" and didn't really get anywhere. Hopefully if I could understand this "disarming way of speaking" I could compensate for it and figure out how to avoid pissing people off unintentionally, as discussed in this thread.

I aparently do all the time. People always diss me on other fourms because they just can't fathom how someone can be so diffrent. http://ponylandcatfights.com/viewtopic. ... it=meerkat

It's people like this that are the reason I have so many problems interacting with people and why I have severe agorophobia and social anxiety.

It looks like some aspies don't understand that researching symptoms on your own just isn't as fun as writing threads to get direct attention.

Asking "really obvious" questions or potentially emberessing questions is something little kids tend to do. So people might just think you're immature. I think there's a significant subset of AS adults who are childlike. I'd include myself in that group. I identify more easily with slightly "immature" adults anyways.