After 2 years I still CANT accept aspergers and be happy

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I feel exactly like this. Even the part about an NT version of me. Whenever the NT version of me reveals herself I feel very happy. I am missing a lot of important symptoms as well. We could have been misdiagnosed. Even the people who diagnose us are human.

Wow... I didn't know there was so much self hatred going around. Well, you are you and that's the way it's always going to be. For every reason society gives to hate yourself you've gotta flip that around and love yourself that much more. It's tough but it all begins with self plus your perception. Life is waay too short to be unhappy over what can't be changed.

Simply me telling you this isn't going to fix anything either. You have to learn it all on your own like I once did. My growth was accelerated by other factors, such as my sexual orientation and spirtual beliefs. Self acceptance made me strong enough to look family dead in the eye and say deal with it (practice for the world, I guess). Or as it relates to Asperger's, to approach life from a different angle, one that works for me (adapting in a way that makes personal sense, and heightening cognizance of self). I don't need anyone else to be happy, and I try my best to not let misunderstanding become bothersome, as I expect it anyways due to my neurological difference.

Also, being NT isn't some magical state impervious to imperfection. They've got problems too, and this world is far from perfect.

The reason why I hate having Asperger's is because I want to be part of the NT herd. I don't like being socially awkward. I don't like that isolating feeling know that I will often have trouble connecting with most people.

I know I feel like I am connected to people (I can relate to people on a lot of things, feel the same way they feel, laugh at the same things they laugh at, etc), but it seems like they can't seem to form a connection with me. I'm just some sort of shy girl with ''a disability'' to them, who is just tagging along because I haven't got anyone else to go out with and I'm just lonely.
It's like when I went out to the pub with my brother and his friends a few times. He had a couple of female friends who were my age, but I felt I didn't form a close relationship with them. They were nice, but I thought that if I was NT, I would of been more able to build a better social relationship. But instead I feel like I'm distant from people, and knowing that makes me feel so unhappy.

I want to feel like an insider. I hate Asperger's.

True, NT people have a lot of advantages socially. They connect with others a lot.

But remember the bad side of being NT. NTs need company so much, that they often have to put up with bad things in order to get that company. They have to accept being bullied by higher ranking members of their group, and have to accept pleasing them. That is reallly awful.

What you are going through is a sense of loss.

Everyone who gets EXCLUDED from something they desire goes through this.

I'm not sure if there's a simple way to say this, but you have to learn to fall "out of love" with the thing you desire.

I wanted to be a detective. That meant being a cop. I was consistently REJECTED no matter how many tests and screenings I passed. I wasn't the kind of person they wanted, and I watched others who were less qualified, less deserving, etc. be chosen over me.

Time and time again the pain of rejection would sting. Then, one day, I got hurt bad enough that I made the decision that I no longer wanted to be associated with this group.

Yeah, deep inside a part of me still hurts because I never got want I wanted, but it got to the point that if this group couldn't bother to try and appreciate what I had to bring to the table, perhaps they really weren't worth joining as a group in the first place.

Everyone (without exception) tends to romanticize the things in life we desire. We focus more on the positives and try to overlook the negatives. Heck, we can bind ourselves to clear shortcomings because we want it so much. Then, one day, something happens and we snap out of our delusional state to see things as they are and wonder why we were so fixated on that goal in the first place.

I assure you that the things you want aren't as great as you think they are. Would your life be better, in many ways, yes, but you'd also inherent a bunch of problems with it. It might be different, but there is no guarantee it would be "better."

Sadly I'm like that too. I've got in with the wrong people before and kept with them, even though I knew they weren't proper friends. I just could not be alone. I think it was the way I was brought up. I was surrounded by people who believed that having friends is the most important thing in the world and that it is ''bad'' not to have any friends. So now I find myself craving for friends.

I can take quite some time. Also gets easier as you get older, it took me quite some time to come to terms with my aspergers, autism, Tourette, its not easy. But adapting one self helps life a burden of the mind. Didn help make friends or anything. Just less mental energy spend on things I cannot change.

I remember as a child I thought I done something wrong to be cursed with all this .

Last edited by loner1984 on 13 Jan 2014, 4:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

My situation is very similar. I was also very angry about having ASD for a long time . It got easier for me as I got older as well.

If you truly have AS I think it might be a good idea to find your real self again. Your true self probably says rather no friends than bad friends!

No, it doesn't. I really want friends. I have a friend who isn't a bad friend but can be overpowering and stressful to be around for too long, but I still rather put up with her than to have no-one. I'm like an NT - if I'm alone too long, I get depressed and would step through hell and high water just to get company.

All right, that is just great, the important thing is just to find out what works best.

But sure, overpowering and stressful does not necessarily mean bad - perhaps just that the together-time should be less frequent.

You are gonna have to live with it because you are going to have this disability for the res of your life.
Having autism isn't something to be ashamed of. I mean you are that person out of 100 people in the world. You are born with a gift. I also have ASD (Autistic Spectrum Disorder) I was diagnosed at the age of 3 & I never knew what it was also that I had it. My friends are not really that bothered about my condition but they do seem to find it hard to communicate with me at times.

Because of my autism, I get easily mesmerized into a certain topic ex. I use to like playing games that were made by a Japanese game company called SNK & I was that addicted to them, I actually collected all the games that were made by the company that were platformed on PS2 . Those were the days... but sadly, I got rid of them & sold them on eBay because I found out they were worth a lot of money. Now I just have an emulator on my PC called 'NeoRAGEx 5' & I can play 181 games perfectly well in terms of condition & controls.

Don't hate having autism man, seriously. You are not alone...

Hope this helps.

When I was diagnosed the person who diagnosed me with 30 years experience with this said there were two basic types of people with Aspergers. Aspies who preferred being alone, and ones who want to be with people but have not been able to. So you can be a "real" aspie and want friends. I don't know what you have tried or not tried but I would see if there are social skills classes for people the spectrum in your area. If not there are youtube video's made on this topic.

If you truly hate it & would do anything to try to change it, have a look at the treatment protocol that's worked wonders for me and give it a shot and see if it does so for you. Feel free to pm me about it.

I love being Aspie. I never knew I was until two years ago when I was told. It's very difficult because the challenges are definitely not easy. But if I were not Aspie I would not be me. I would be someone else. As traumatic as being a Mishophonic can be, it's still me. If I were someone else I am sure that I would find things in my life that are just as difficult as being Aspie or being Misophonic are. I know that my NT relatives have struggles that are just as hard for them as mine are for me. But my struggles are not me. They are just things I have to deal with every day. I have things in my life that I love like skiing and biking and there are people in my life that I love. Yes there are people who have been very cruel and mean to me but there are some who love and support me beyond measure and whom I feel the same way about. I love how I see things bright and sharp and in detail. I love that I can hear things that others miss even though sometimes those things I hear can hurt me, sometimes I hear glorious sounds. I love that I can have the heart and processing ability of a little child. I love that I can feel textures and respond to them in ways that others can't. I love that I can stim a song for hours on end and get completely enraptured by it and not care what anyone thinks about it. I love that I can rock and pace and that I don't need drugs or alcohol to calm myself down. I love that I can see patterns all over the place and actually enjoy them. I love my dual personality, my adult deep side and my little child side that can love with the purity and wonder of a small child. These are all beautiful things and there are many more. I love my long term detailed memory. I love that I can feel extremely deeply and be moved easily. I love being Aspie. Even when I have meltdowns and shutdowns, I don't dislike them. They are just part of my expression of who I am. I love that I don't understand all the stupid things that people say and do. I understand some of them but not all. I love that I can say things that other people at first think are weird but those who really listen really understand and appreciate the depth or the innocence in things I say.

I think as Spectrumites we need to really appreciate whatever we can that is beautiful and powerful about who we are. People may say mean things to you and you may make tons of mistakes as I have. But these things are not the essence of who you are. You are an amazing creation with love and talent and beauty. Understand that and never forget it.

I happen to be the lateral. I want friend and I want to socialize but I just can't. Aspergers for me is like seeing what you want behind a glass window. You can look at it all you want but you can't touch.