Did your parents compare you to other kids?

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Maybe we should start comparing our parents to other parents.

I wish I had parents who liked anthropology and thought intellectual things were useful.

I don't my parents ever compared to anyone else's kid. These days however, they have mentioned how my older brother and I were usually quiet and easygoing while so many other kids are mega-hyper, screeching little demons.

We weren't little angels, of course. Although I think the passage of time has done some editing to the mental video camera in my parents' heads to think we sometimes were.

I was a "good kid" because I was quiet and introverted and kept to myself. My mother in particular wished I was more outgoing and sociable, because her side of the family is very party-oriented and very much concerned about appearances.

I used to hide when people came to visit, and it embarrassed her.

My mum did, regarding behaviour. After I had been playing with a friend for example, and came home and was hyperactive or demanding, my mum would be like, "I bet [friend's name] isn't behaving like this to her mum!" My mum had obviously never seen Supernanny. You get NT kids on there that behave appropriately at school or around friends, then turn into little brats when they get home.

I remember one parent's day at school, I'd got a really good report as usual. The only complaints they ever had were that I didn't put any effort into P.E., and that I was too quiet in class. We got in the car to go home and my dad asked me 'Who is Tom Surname and why did he score higher than you in P.E.?!'. Turns out instead of listening to my teacher saying nice things about me, he'd been reading the report of the next kid to be seen, and picked out literally the only area in which he'd done better than me. Which again, was f*****g P.E.

My whole childhood was like that. And then when I finally cracked under the pressure, they told me the perfectionism was all in my head, and that I'd somehow invented the idea that I was held to impossible standards. I got straight A*s that year except for sports and I still got shouted at all the way home.

The only kid my parents regularly compared me to was my brother. It took until I was 15 before they realized that screaming and yelling at me for not getting straight As would not motivate me or make me like my brother. They did also love to point out how much socially aware all the other kids were, which was something I was VERY aware of.

A* is a different, higher grade than A in the UK school system. A higher level of perfectionism exhibited by the parents than it seems at first glance.

I never got yelled at for bad grades, or really praised for good grades--except that it seemed as if they KNEW I should get good grades, because I was a nerd, after all.

I didn't get straight A's. I was more an A-B student.

I got yelled at for screwing up socially.

I got compared a lot too. My mother is one of those people who thinks that intelligence is a person's most important quality, and she equated intelligence to school performance. I think it's because she grew up very poor and she feels like her good grades in school are what let her escape a life of poverty. -but she really took it too far sometimes. I remember she told me one time that she didn't want me to play with the kid next door because he "seemed unintelligent". My two older sisters are brilliant. My oldest sister is a speed reader with a photographic memory and perfect pitch, my middle sister is an amazing writer and is really good at learning languages. Even though neither of them were particularly interested in math or sciences as kids, they had no problem getting A's in pretty much all of their classes. They were both national merit finalists. They both got merit-based scholarships that covered most of the costs of college. You get the idea. I think my mom assumed that they were like this because of how she raised them, that their success was entirely a reflection on how hard she pushed them, and I'm sure to some extent it was.

... but then along came me

Nothing came easily or quickly for me. Dad was more okay with me being the way I am, but for mom this was "unacceptable." She was constantly fighting me, telling me to be more like them. She wanted me to learn to read by the age of 3 just like them. She wanted me to be a prodigy on the piano just like them. She wanted me to be good at ballet just like them. And I think I did remarkably well considering how negatively stress affects me. I made mostly As and Bs in school, with the occasional C in math or history. I never failed classes, or even got close to failing. For most parents I think this would be ok. Not for my mom though. I think at some point she gave up trying to "fix" me, and just decided I was a lost cause. Around that time when my dad asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up, I said "a scientist." Mom's reaction was to actually say "Honey, you're not smart enough for that job."

She and I had this confusing argument in the car once, I don't even remember what it started about, but I remember the ending, and it pretty much sums up our relationship:

mom: "This is what's wrong with you! You're always just going to do what you want, aren't you?!?"
me: "...I mean, isn't that everyone's goal in life? -To do what we want?"

-so then I became a scientist.

Last edited by Fern on 30 Aug 2019, 2:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I think you're pretty darn smart, Fern----maybe smarter than me in some areas

You have knowledge in many areas---plus, you're an athlete!

As it turns out I don't have low intelligence. I just had such high test-taking anxiety as a kid that nobody knew that for a long time. Besides that though, I think intelligence can only get a person so far. To do something well, love and dedication are much more important I have noticed. That is what I have both for my profession and my sport. I realize how lucky I am to get to do the things I love for a living. This is something I am privileged to have, something my mom didn't get to experience. So I'm pretty darn thankful.

Intelligence, plus critical thinking skills, plus a rational mindset, takes you a long way.....

No.

Whenever I acted out, I usually got told "You're better than this", or "as you get older this behaviour won't reflect well on you, it's time you thought about the consequences of your actions". Other kids were usually mentioned in the vein of "Your friends seem to be a bad influence on you / perhaps you should improve upon the company you keep".

My teachers would compare me to my sister, which lead to some rather annoying expectations. Although, it was certainly amusing to see the look of horror on my PE teacher's face when she realised who I was related to. In Primary school, my sister started to gain attention due to news spreading about whatever rebellious thing I did in that last week. The headmistress' office almost became a second home to me.

However, in secondary school the situation was flipped. The expectations weren't all bad though, my German teacher assumed that I'd do well in her class due to my sister's good grades, however I failed miserably instead. In my defense, I had to redo my business studies because my first business studies teacher taught us the wrong material for an entire year. So, I didn't have time to fit all my subjects in, which meant that I fell behind in my German.

Despite my mediocre grades at times and bad behaviour, my parents still had hope for me. They found me to be a puzzling child, I would often get comments such as "I wish I knew how your brain works" or "psychiatrists would have an absolute field day with you".

The only person who would say remarks along the lines of "why can't you be like the other kids?" was the first school counsellor I had. Saying that she didn't like me is an understatement.

Although, I suspect that she was mostly projecting her own frustrations onto me. She'd tell me that I was stupid, worthless, and that I'll never amount to anything. "Have you learnt nothing from our sessions, you stupid child? Why can't you just answer normally? Say the obvious answer?" etc. The first counsellor I had ended up having a breakdown, and the second left because another school was offering better pay.

One day the second counsellor told me "This is your last session today because I found a job at another school, and the money is so much better at that place than here", and I laughed then replied "Well, I appreciate the honesty". I sometimes remember that memory randomly and laugh a little at the thought.

My mum thinks that normality and sanity is the most important thing. It might be because of her upbringing (she had a severe alcoholic father who acted very unpredictably and often frightened her, and none of her school friends would come over to her house because of him, so she felt ashamed and unhappy). So she has always felt at peace when she is surrounded by 'normal' people. So, having a daughter with AS and ADHD doesn't exactly bring much normality to the household. So she's always compared my behaviour to other children, believing that everyone else had happy, well-behaved children while she was bringing up me: the problem child from hell. I'm not saying she was ever afraid of me, far from it if anything. But she has always seemed afraid of being a parent of a problem child, while all the other parents she knew at the time were raising 'normal' children.

My mother is embarrassed by me, too.

My mother goes about my neighbourhood telling the neighbours I'm incompetent. She even said this to my dog's veterinarian, who reported it back to me.