"Fight your own battles" - an unwritten rule???

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Did they simply ignore the fact that you were bullied regularly?

It seems quite a good example/advice to me.

I agree that rage sometimes works against bullies when you are a kid. The problem is in adulthood you still run into as*holes every once in a while and you can no longer use that strategy. A lot of adult bullies will talk s**t, make threats, and try to make your life miserable, but then if you physically assault them they can just run and press charges against you and you end up with a criminal record for the rest of your life. If you train yourself into resorting to rage and violence as a child those feelings and emotions tend to stick with you for longer than you think. I think that's potentially dangerous.

This notion a lot of people have that fighting as a kid builds confidence and prepares you for life is just f****d up. We have a culture that endorses violence and rage as a way to deal with problems in movies and television, but if you resort to that in real life it doesn't actually work out in your favor. It's all a load off macho bull crap.

I agree with Marshall. The point is not learning how to be a bigger bully than the bully. The point is to help the bully realize he has a problem and needs counseling or therapy, the same way angry people need anger management. Bullies need bullying management.

One other thing. What does "fighting" your battle mean? It could mean numerous things. Just because you go over their head doesn't mean you aren't fighting your own battles.

Frances

If everyone truly fought their own battles attorneys would go broke. All it means is don't go and get other people involved in your fight because they do not want to get on the bad side of whomever you are fighting. People do not like taking sides unless they are close friends and even then they can be reluctant. Most are missing backbone and don't have the guts or courage to make a stand. Bullies can be manipulative as well and that can scare people. When things get toughfor bullies, they go into victim mode and manage to manipulate people to make excuses for them so they do not always fight their own battles, either.

EXACTLY. Finally someone reveals the refreshing truth that bullies are mostly people with overinflated egos and an appetite for risk, who are the opposite of insecure, weak, and cowardly. Those pseudo-psychologists who claim that bullies tend to be insecure and are masking their insecurity through aggression - that's just feel-good rhetoric, nothing more. It's ridiculous. It would be like calling the 9/11 hijackers cowards. In fact, "coward" is the only insult I would spare a bully.

Bullying is a high-risk, moderate reward behaviour. I guarantee the bullies know that they're jeopardizing themselves and taking a risk each time they torment someone; they know they'll have enemies and have to look over their shoulder. They accept the risk that the next time they bully, their target could snap and it could turn out badly for them. Not cowardly.

Just look at senior management in large corporations - they are full of narcissists, type-A personalities, sociopaths, etc, people who are ruthless, big risk-takers, and not deterred by possible consequences. They have very strong egos, the contrary of insecure, and have a gross sense of entitlement - they believe it's their divine right to kick the little peasants around, including and especially the one who's the village outcast. Just look at examples in the movies of a narcissistic bully - Sandra Bullock in "The Proposal" and Meryl Streep in "The Devil Wears Prada".

Same thing goes for the brute-force bully you describe. He believes it's his divine right to stomp on anyone he pleases, because hey, don't you know that he's the greatest.

So while most bullies have strong egos, it's built on a dubious foundation - delusions of grandeur and perverted sense of entitlement, above the laws and morals of society, etc, etc..

When it comes to "fighting your own battles" against these narcissistic bullies, then, you have to strike where it hurts. I mean deflate their egos, but as they say "revenge is best served cold" so don't let them know it was you. Put unpleasant substances in their coffee (but non-toxic!) when they leave the room, secretly tape them doing embarrassing or inappropriate acts & post on YouTube, etc, etc...you get the idea. This will give them a taste of their own medicine and as long as they don't know it was you, chalk up a victory. That's called fighting your own battles in stealth mode.

That was exactly the kind of philosophy that had me deluding myself for years, that there were no truly mean people in the world, only people who were insecure, damaged, etc.

The adults at school? Yeah, they ignored the bullying and my pleas for help. At first they ignored me when I told them (recess teachers, classroom teacher, principal) I was being picked on and hurt by other kids. My teacher even told me to ignore anybody who said or did hurtful things. However, when I started fighting back, the adults took notice - noticed me wailing on a kids who had on a daily basis made fun of me and hit me when the adults weren't looking. So to the grown-ups I was the bully, just another deliquent kid who would fall through the cracks of the school system and probably be a criminal. All I was trying to do was defend myself physically and emotionally.

This is pretty typical.

Throw in parents who say things like "They wouldn't be picking on you if you weren't doing something to set them off."

Bullies are messed up. It's a defence mechanism. They need love. But if they need to be fought I disagree very much with OP about who should do it. I also think a lot of aspies confuse playing rough with bullying. Kittens skirmish almost as soon as they can walk, it's how they learn to be cats. I was never bullied at school but we skirmished a lot, it was great fun.

That's why it's a bad idea to get caught up in the bullying cycle. It is better to ignore them but having to hear them is emotionally draining. It's like, why don't they go pick on someone like themselves but none of them have the guts to.

One time I sat next to a bully at my table in art class. He was horrible. I contemplated bolting out the classroom door and then the door to the school which was only around ten feet away. I didn't want to get into trouble so I just stayed put. There was also a creepy girl at the table who joined in with the guy. Two gutless cowards relentlessly picking on the school's pariah. What does that tell you about their character? That they lack it, maybe?

Finally, one day, I put my head in my arms and sobbed and wept. I couldn't stop. The teacher saw this and told the two bullies to see him after class. The next day one of the bullies told me some confusing stuff the teacher told him after school so I went home and asked my mom what it meant. And she asked me where I heard it. I told her the teacher said it. Her response was "YOU DON'T HAVE THAT!" So I was even more confused.

Next day. The kid tormented me so I put my head in my arms again and hid. The teacher moved them both shortly after so I sat there completely alone at the table while all the other kids sat at their tables together, having fun and chatting.

These kinds of days strengthened my resolution to quit public school as soon as I reached the age of sixteen. It also gives me a really low opinion of most the people I went to school with. They are just...sad.

After being bullied for months at one school, I went to the school counselor for help. She told me I needed to wear more makeup and I was in 7th grade.

When I was in school I don't remember them ever doing anything about my being bullied. I even had a school counselor in sixth grade tell me that the other kids treated me the way they did because of the way I acted. She didn't give any helpful advice and I didn't know how to act any other way than the way I did.

After sixth grade I never was in the same school more than a year. They kept switching me to new schools every year until I was 16 and quit.

Asking for help dealing with a difficult situation is very different then hiding behind others. I try to "fight my own battles" when I can (though mostly by talking, not with fists) but social confrontation is awkward to me on almost any level, especially if I am any sort of something better then enemies with said person. Many people don't see the bigger pictures in these things and how an action, even justified, can have ripple effects later. Now, I am 6'5" with some martial arts to back me so worse case is I can probably handle myself (never had to find out luckily, being that large and 220lbs tends to make people think twice) but also I tend to not look for fights. They find me anyways but I find the best thing to do is walk away and cool down.

I see no issue asking for help to deal with a situation as long as A) you are completely incapable of doing it yourself or B) Are willing to at least go along as well.

On the bullying topic: I have been both, sad to say. Having been bullied for many years I turned briefly into more of a monster during 10th grade then had ever been done to me. I still regret it. It is not worth the temporary feeling of superiority or brief social acceptance for how much of an as*hole you feel later. I have also defended those being bullied. I am fortunate to have been able to close the gap so to speak between 18-20 as far as being social is concerned much faster then most with AS, and many of my NT friends have been very helpful/understanding (several kids known for fighting have offered to kick the s**t out of anyone who gives me trouble, and many point out politely how I can avoid misunderstanding in groups). Bullies suck. Being a bully sucks worse. As my friend says "Do the right thing".

Yeah that was what my mom tried to tell me one time when I was in fourth grade.....and of course it really upset me because I did not feel I was doing anything that should really get me picked on and I did not really know how to act different. I mean she might as well have just said 'the way you are is not good enough, change the person you are and maybe people will accept you.' Funny thing is I doubt she even remembers saying that to me but I still remember because that's how much it bothered me.