Christmas...not again

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This particular Christmas is being difficult for me. It's been a rough few months and I don't have it together for Christmas as I usually would. To be honest, it's been a few years since I really got it right.

When I was a kid I loved Christmas time, and as a parent I have tried to make it even more magical for my own children than it was for me. . . I feel like such a failure this year. I have been setting the bar high for a long time, but this year, I haven't bought many presents (and won't be able to now, either). . . don't really have meals planned, although I do have food and a vague idea of what I could make to eat.

It's always been right around this time - 5pm Xmas eve - that I decide whatever is not done yet, isn't getting done this year. But there's nothing done. I still have to put away the boxes from the decorations. Bake something. I don't know.....

Hope this is as low as it gets.

The thing I like about being 54 with adult children is that I can let all the fancy stuff around Christmas be their problem. I deal with my little one, who doesn't particularly care about the trappings as long as she gets some new stuff.

I like to have stuff to look forward to, even if I'm not really involved in it. I like to look at decorations that people put up and stuff. I basically only like Christmas for lots of eating and drinking booze, and to see what stuff is put on tv for Christmas. I dread the parts involving being fake with irritating people I know for like an hour and getting presents I don't need or really want. I get bored going shopping for presents, although I like going to malls. I think this Christmas is going to be lousy for me as my family is being extra difficult lately.

I'm going to spend most of my christmas day around my stepfather's family and honestly...I couldn't care less. I usually just slink off into some corner with some coffee or something and mind my own business whilst everyone else socializes. Mostly because I have nothing to say. Christmas just doesn't hold that same "magic" for me as it did when I was a a younger child.

I love Christmas, the presents and the food-at the worst, I just have to do a small amount of stimming and get the odd uninteresting present.Christmas is a big beam of light in the middle of the dark.

Spontaneous gift giving is best, spoil people all year round. Christmas is unimportant but I cant be bothered ranting against it.

If I am are lucky I can spontaneous give at christmas too, if not it dont matter.

I thought about it for the first time yesterday, having managed to filter out every other mention, and I manage to enjoy finding excellent spontaneous gifts for some random subgroup of the people I love. The internet makes that so easy.

The thing I love best about christmas is lunch, especially the trimmings.

I do like to celebrate Xmas when I have people to celebrate it with but I cannot see the point of celebrating on my own.

I have no family or friends and I have no money either. The result is I have no special Xmas food, I have no Xmas presents, I have no Xmas decorations, I didn't even get an Xmas card or a Merry Xmas from anyone. So today is passing as though it were any other day in my life.

On the bright side the Universe seems to have remembered me even if the world has not. I got a 10 gift card from someone for being a good customer and my University books arrived unexpectedly early so I will be spending today immersed in maths equations and science. At least I get to spend the day doing something I love. In fact I am chuffed that I have another chance to complete my degree and to return to the one thing in life that I adore doing...Studying. You don't get a much better Xmas present than that!

So thank you to the universe for that. And if there is such a thing as god, or the son of god, happy birthday to him. AFter all that is what this holiday was supposed to be about.

As far as man is concerned I may as well be invisible or non existent though lol.

What annoys me is that everyone turns on fake happiness and expect me to be part of it when I'm depressed.

." Bah, humbug........If I could work my will, every idiot who goes about with 'Merry Christmas' on his lips, should be boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. ..................."

If I had to spend Christmas with 20 plus people, I simply wouldn't go. I usualy just sleep on Christmas. Christmas lost its appeal for me when I realised Santa didn't exhist and when I grew up and stopped getting as many presents. Presents were the only thing I liked about Christmas, but now that I am an adult and have my own income, I can get whatever I want any day of the year, so why is Christmas so special? I hate how the whole world seems to stop and everything is closed or everyone is "busy". My life revolves around routine and when that routine is disrupted, I can't function.

I loved it as a kid because I got presents. Now I don't care for gifts anymore because I am an adult and I have enough stuff. I'd rather get stuff that can be used up. I have also always liked the decorations and the lights though and today we are going to my sister in laws/in laws house and I am not sure how many people be there. There be food and maybe more presents. I'd have my computer with and Nintendo 3DS. Now I can enjoy Christmas even more because I can Christmas shop for my boy all year around so I am not doing it at the end up the year and spending more money for that month.

I used to enjoy Christmas, but Christmas has sucked for the last few years and has been nothing but disappointing for some years now.

Christmas eve used to be a nice, quiet evening with my closest family (all adults), held in my parents home, which is very near where I live. When my sister had children that changed a lot. My family started spending Christmas eve at my sister's house, which is more than an hour's drive away. Her children are way too loud and grabby for me and my husband (I have AS and he's probably on the spectrum too, although not officially diagnosed) and her house is always cold, which has a really bad effect on physical disabilities that we have.

Spending a whole evening with so many people, loud children, lots of different smells, strong lights, a lot of noise and in a cold place would be pretty overwhelming for both me and my husband, and having to drive for more than an hour each way in pitch dark and bad weather conditions and on the verge of a meltdown on the way home after an overwhelming evening just doesn't seem like such a good idea. So we've opted to stay in our own home for Christmas eve instead of going to the family gathering with the rest of the family. My husband doesn't care about Christmas though and can't be bothered to try to make it a nice evening or special in any way, so it's usually really short, casual and boring.

There is usually a smaller gathering at my parents' on Christmas day, which is usually okay and not as long, loud and overwhelming as the other gathering, but it seems like we probably had that gathering for the last time this year, since nobody bothered to come there this year except us because the rest of them all meet on Christmas eve anyway and didn't miss the two autists.

I can't help but feel kind of like an outcast in the family for the way Christmas has been for several years now. It's not that I'm not invited to spend Christmas with the rest of the family (I am), but they have absolutely no understanding or consideration for our needs and don't even try to organize it in a way that would enable us to join them, even just sometimes.

So Christmas has become little else than a reminder of how excluded and isolated I am socially.