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Positive Bf has aspergers. How do I confront him lovingly?

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Glossy
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05 Jan 2012, 4:56 pm

mv wrote:
I'm sorry to be blunt, but you've turned yourself inside out in this relationship, for little reward. Why is it you're always at his house (or does he bring the dog to your house)? You've tried to bring up your needs in sensitive, constructive, playful, nonconfrontational ways.


I prefer to go to his house, I just feel more comfortable there as I'm sure he does as well. My kids are teens and just pop in and out of the house. He has brought the dog on occasions, it's his shield. He only slept over once during the hurricane and my kids were stuck on the other side of town. We were on the phone and I said I hated being alone, and he came over... I was shocked, he lives 45 min away and always wants to stay home, but I was happy that he came over. He joked about how my bed felt like concrete and that if it were softer he would of done XYZ to me in the middle of the night. (Just another excuse) I said geez how would we ever have sex on the floor or table if you think my bed is too hard. :roll:



Glossy
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05 Jan 2012, 5:10 pm

Callista wrote:
I don't know if it would work, to re-shape your relationship into the non-romantic friendship it seems would be more comfortable for both of you. As far as I can tell, that is always a tricky thing to do and doesn't always succeed. But, if you could, maybe it would be worth it. Maybe you could get to the point that you are happy for him when he finds someone who is compatible with him. Maybe he could get to the point that when you find someone who is compatible with you, he'll be happy for you.


I seriously could not do it, at least not any time soon. Just reading this about him with another woman makes me want to cry. As mean as it sounds I would have to block/delete him from my life, phone. FB ect!!

As far as him coming to WP, then that would be me telling him that I think he has Aspergers, and like you said earlier I think it's best to wait... I'm pms and very emotional right now. I honestly think he's knows he has it because his Dad is the same as him, if not even worse... no social skills whatsoever. I also think with his remark via text last night about how I conjured this up, is his way of maybe knowing I'm onto it! But that's ok. He already knows that as a hobby I read hours and hours about personality disorders. Mostly, Bi-polar, manic, ect. It's just something that has always intrigued me. I honestly never knew about Aspergers until I was on a R'ship board, that and when he mentioned to me that he had seizures as a child and still has slight head tremors that I only notice when he's concentrating on something.

He still hasn't texted, and we usually spent Saturday nights together, but I'm guessing it's time to make other plans. that's another thing he is NEVER able to commit to plans until last minute, with anyone!! ! Not like he's doing anything else but hanging with his dog alone at home....he just won't commit to plans.



fraac
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05 Jan 2012, 5:19 pm

You sound nuts.



Callista
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05 Jan 2012, 5:21 pm

fraac wrote:
You sound nuts.
That's not very useful, you know. You should explain exactly what's "nuts" about it and how you think the problem could be solved. Random insults aren't exactly very helpful.


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Glossy
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05 Jan 2012, 5:35 pm

fraac wrote:
You sound nuts.


Shocked hearing this from an Aspie, I would think that an aspie would want someone like me in their life. You see me as a nut, and maybe that's what others think as well as you do, but I'm someone who is understanding and kind and patient to tolerate this situation. And if that constitutes me as a nut... so be it!! ! I'm nut's.


Thanks Callista



mv
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05 Jan 2012, 6:30 pm

Glossy wrote:
fraac wrote:
You sound nuts.


Shocked hearing this from an Aspie, I would think that an aspie would want someone like me in their life. You see me as a nut, and maybe that's what others think as well as you do, but I'm someone who is understanding and kind and patient to tolerate this situation. And if that constitutes me as a nut... so be it!! ! I'm nut's.


Thanks Callista


I don't think you're nuts at all. I think that you've just gotten into a very unfulfilling relationship with someone who cannot shoulder their responsibilities in the relationship.



mv
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05 Jan 2012, 6:33 pm

Glossy wrote:
mv wrote:
This is heartbreaking.

LEAVE HIM. This relationship does not deserve one more moment of angst on your part. You deserve better.

You and he are sexually incompatible. That's the long and short of it. This will *never* change. Additionally, he is unwilling or unable to talk about or handle your concerns, it's revolting how he deflects you physically and then deflects talking about the deflection.

FWIW, he does sound classically like an Aspie. I think his sexy text messages and photos he sends you ARE his way of having sex (that involves another person). I think this is all he's capable of. Additionally, Aspies have difficulty with confrontation, and it's hard for us to put our emotions into order and words. This is likely why he cannot address your concerns and why he keeps deflecting you (and the fact that you continue to put up with it).

So, you have 2 choices:

1) change your needs (if you're like me, that's not bloody likely), or
2) change partners (to a different man).

I'm sorry to be blunt, but you've turned yourself inside out in this relationship, for little reward. Why is it you're always at his house (or does he bring the dog to your house)? You've tried to bring up your needs in sensitive, constructive, playful, nonconfrontational ways.

This may seem heartless, but I don't understand why you've withstood this for 20 months. I've have been in your place, and it does not improve (why would it? everything's on his terms). Enough already. He's not a bad person, he just cannot fulfill your needs. And your needs aren't unreasonable.


Believe me I go back and forth with staying/leaving. Just out of curiousity have you ever dated an NT? I only ask because I would think that an Aspie may want someone in their life like me willing to accept them.


Everyone I've dated has been NT. I would love to find someone who accepts me as me, but like everyone, I make compromises. I have yet to meet a man who can match my level of sex drive, for example (it's very high). Men are sometimes unnerved by how ungirly I am (I'm not butch or anything, I just don't think like a woman, for the most part).