The dead are dead.

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when my father passed, i will admit that above all i felt relief, because me and my sister were his caretakers, and for 5 years he was totally dependent on nursing/caretaker help, he had totally lost his physical self-care ability. he hated being ill, he could only think of how crappy he felt all the time. he was not blessed with unconsciousness or senility, he was totally aware of his physical condition until the very end. so i did not cry when he passed. but my mother was another matter, her death after a month of terminal illness was relatively sudden and i didn't have much time to prepare, and when i watched her die, i was bereft- but not for her, because i knew she would be in heaven as my father would be- but for me, in that her death would be a permanent absense, a permanent hole in my consciousness, an amputation of a part of my psyche- IOW it was as though i lost a key part of me, which was never to return, and that is a devastating feeling. i still feel that hole in my soul. i guess there is no replacement for one's parent, one's maker. i can't allow myself to think about this too much, i can't dwell on it. it makes me feel like a lost and abandoned little child to do so.

I almost never have an outwardly emotional reaction to grief, except for my pets. A big part of my explanation when I've lost pets was the loss in routine (that others mentioned) that their presence brought me. I had one cat who demanded to be fed every day at the same time, and who would follow me to the food and then back to where I'd set up her food. She was not really expected to live very long for various reasons, so her death was not a surprise, but the loss of my daily routines with her (she required extra care beyond that of most pets) was extremely upsetting. I also did and do miss her.

For humans, though, I hardly ever cry or express any emotion. It's not that I don't feel anything about their death, but what I feel is not the same as I feel for my pets. I suspect it's more complex, but there's no way I can explain even the smallest bit of it. I used to feel like there was something wrong with me because I didn't express or apparently feel grief like other people, but now I am fine with it, as there is no single right way to feel grief or mourn.

I don't think grief is entirely selfish. I think some of it is, and I think it's okay for it to be selfish. Most of what people do for the dead is really about comforting themselves, but it may very well be that they need that comfort, and whatever closure a funeral can bring, whether or not I need it myself. I have only attended one funeral, and I do not regret skipping others. The death that has bothered me most over my entire life (my older sister) never even had a funeral, and I find that I mourn her absence on and off over the years because of what she did bring into my life, and all the things in her own life that were left undone. She didn't have a funeral because - due to a legal technicality - she was not officially, bureaucratically, legally a part of my family, and thus we had no right to claim her body for a funeral. Her biological mother didn't do a thing for her.

Between her and my maternal grandparents, I've found that while I don't feel like I grieve or mourn, that over the years little things brings it to mind.

I still can't explain the immediacy and strength of my grief for my pets that is not present in grief for my family.