how did you find out about eye-contact?

Post Reply New Topic

I read about it in a German version of the wikipedia article about autism.

Throughout childhood, I had been told/ordered to loudly and insistingly by one of my grandparents to "look at them/a person" or to "look them in the eyes" all the time (that's what it feels like, as if I was told every day or every other day).

But usually, I couldn't do it (couldn't move my eyes to where they wanted me to look) and when I managed, I look straight ahead (or to the ground because ground = very interesting structure) and couldn't comprehend why I was told to look at (or why my head was not-so-kindly moved to look t) the fabric of pants and when I had grown taller, at shirts and stuff before I turned away again?

Pants? Skin and hair of knees (in summer)? Sweaters? It didn't make sense to look at that.

(And when they said "up" or someone had the supreme idea to move my head up by my chin, there was... the ceiling or the sky. Huh. I wasn't drawn to faces.)

I couldn't "see" the eye-contact and I cannot recall a single memory until age 17 of ever having observed someone intentionally looking at another and looking another in the eye. I realise that eye-contact must have happened all around me but I was oblivious of it and I didn't follow their gazes with my eyes to see what they looked at..

I never really understood the whole "eye-contact" thing. I just did what my parents told me to do: make eye-contact, because if you don't, it's considered rude to people. I remember not always being able to look into people's eyes. Once I found out about AS, I began to realize that eye-contact can really make me uncomfortable depending on the person I'm communicating with, the level of anxiety I'm dealing with, and many other variables. I never really thought about it until I was around 17 or 18- I just listened and did what everyone else did.

I just had it hammered into me as a child, and I thought all people had problems with eye contact. I can make eye contact, but it just makes me feel incredibly awkward, I prefer to stare out of a window while talking to people. Sadly, teachers don't let me do this as I am not statemented, so I have to make eye contact with them or they might call me rude.

Someone noticed I wouldn't look at eyes when talking or being talked to, instead I would look off to the side or my eyes would flit around the room. This person said they had similar issues and gave me some sound advice, "try, otherwise people will think you are strange. If you are too uncomfortable, here is a cheat: stare at their mouths while they talk. 99 out of 100 people won't be able to tell the difference, it will be less uncomfortable for you and it will give you something to focus on so you can seem like you are paying attention when, in reality, you are bored to tears" It works. I stare at mouths. Sometimes I forget to do it and find my self absorbed in the lovely painting on the wall instead of what whoever is droning about...

I first realized it had significance for people when I was accused of lying since I didn't look into my teacher's eyes. He yelled at me until I did, and kept contact long enough. It was torture, especially since I wasn't lying. This happened repeatedly.

The school nurse also kept badgering me about keeping eye contact. This was the early nineties, so the only reason she could think of for my lack of it, was bad manners or lies.

This continued throughout primary school. I had adopted my current way of making an illusion of eye contact (by meeting people's eyes momentarily at a more or less set interval) over a decade before I even suspected I had AS.

Age 4(getting in trouble about somthing)

Mother "Why did you do that"
Me *looks down*
Mother "look at me"
Me *looks up*
Mother "I shouldn't have to..."
Me *looks down*
Mother "I need your eyes"

That went on for an hour......and happened every other day

Much later in life. I've never heard about it at home and I never realised I didnt make this, until: At 25, a lady said directly to my face, " My daughter is not getting in the car with someone that has shifty eyes."

At work, " I cant trust a guy that can't make eye contact."

Apple rolling close to tree: I've never heard about it from my immediate family because he doesnt do this himself.

I don't remember how I learned what was normal eye contact, but I always knew I didn't like to look at other people's eyes.

I've never been forced to do eye contact, probably because I've done the "looking in the general direction of their face" thing from an early age.

I wonder if this is why I feel like i have to actually be looking at someone when they are talking to me. I feel like I can't hear them if they aren't facing me and I know that if i can see their lips i can "hear" them better. . .I just never thought about why that might be. . .I actually had my hearing checked to be sure. . .but I typically do hear someone, even if they aren't facing me, but I always end up saying, "pardon?" because I'm still processing what they said. . .

Lack of extra visual input is what makes phone conversations so hard. I never thought, though, about not being able to see someone's lips because of it. Hmmm.

Yup, my experience as well.

Large amounts of being screamed at with a sprinkling of physical violence.

Interestingly enough the only time I make eye contact with people now is when I'm ready to rip their feckin head off, the instinctual lesson I had 'drummed into me' was that making eye contact was for extremely hostile situations involving violence.

My brother told me, "You have to start making eye contact with people." Easier said than done.

I took a long time to notice. My parents never complained - to be honest, I don't remember if I did look people in the eye when I was very little but as long as I can remember I looked somewhere else when talking or listening.
I only started to practice eye contact when I went to therapy (for other reasons than AS, as I am not - yet - officially diagnosed). I know of the importance and I became better in maintaining "natural" looking/not-looking intervals but it still feels odd, uncomfortable and occupies part of my mind.
Quite recently I decided to not force myself into doing that if it doesn't serve an immediate purpose other than making someone I don't care about feel better. I certainly feel better since then, although for most people around me I probably seem distracted, nervous or anxious.
I look at their mouth instead if it is a noisy environment; that helps me understand what they're saying by reading their lips and isn't totally away from them so they still feel listened to.

I do the lip reading thing, too, which seems to work OK for whoever I'm talking to, they only begin to appear concerned if I start looking someplace other than their face. It also helps me understand what they are saying, which can be hard if I'm not looking at their lips-- auditory processing issues. I became aware of this long before I knew about asperger's, and I thought it was weird, and I tried to make myself look in people's eyes, but I couldn't figure out how to do it properly. If I just stare at their eyes, they seem to get distressed. I read once that most people look each other in the eye, with brief glances away from the eyes several times at minute. So I tried that, which really didn't work, I couldn't even hear what they were saying, I was too focused on trying to get the eye contact right, and they would start to get that look they get when they think I'm extremely weird. So I went back to my usual lip reading, with no further problems.

I can't look at people at all sometimes if I don't like them, or if I'm upset at them. This has gotten a lot of comments from folks. NT's hate this. It really freaks them out, but it is so hard to look at someone if I don't like them.

I'm 22 and massively struggle with eye contact, I don't look at people when I talk to them and if I'm with somebody who I'm around a lot I can occasionally look at them but it's just a glance. If I focus on looking into people's eyes I miss conversations

When i was in 1st grade, the principal of my school scolded me for not making eye contact with him. Ever since then, I have tried to do it better. However, I still have difficulty with it. I usually either look at someone occasionally during a conversation or make a conscious effort to do it throughout the conversation. In fact, I hadn't really thought about it too much until I started researching Aspergers in earnest a few weeks ago. Since then I have made a bigger effort to do it and try to see what the other person's eyes were telling me. I still come up blank most of the time but it will be entertaining to see if I can crack this code about human behavior.