My nt-as marriage

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Well the wife and I had a really good talk. She really needs me to support her for the next 6 months to help her get better! By that I mean partly financial partly letting her have our son most of the time, letting her be basically a mother to our child. After the terrible time I've put her thru over the last 10 years I have no problem doing that! I also felt that this gives me the time to focus on me and then with her having a better emotional state where we might actually get a chance to develop a relationship again.

Doesn't mean that I still won't have difficult days ahead and I could be the biggest chump if she just moved onto someone else in three months, but I don't think that is a likely scenario. In fact for me it was the emotionally mature thing to do, a trait I haven't exhibited much of lately.

Last edited by ozman on 21 Jun 2012, 8:08 am, edited 1 time in total.

That sounds more hopeful - I always feel that true remorse is backed up by positive action (much better than converting it all into self-loathing from which nobody benefits). I can see how your supporting her now should start to turn back some of the damage.........it's the very opposite of abandonment.

Worst-case scenario, even if it turns out to be that she can't ultimately forgive you, and just ends up using your remorse to fleece you and get back at you, only to culminate in the mother of all abandonments for you - turning up with another man after all your hard work - even then, it would surely have been worth a try for your son's sake and for the sake of all the good that there must have between you once. And worst-case scenarios hardly ever happen, so please don't let my dark picture of it bother you.

How old is your son? Just wondering what effect these changes are having on him.

My son is 8. He is not AS and is very much like his mothers personality. He said today which house do I get presents at? Do I get two sets of presents from both houses? The honest answer is we don't know which house. I strongly suspect that my wife will be still in the investment property and she did say that maybe daddy can stay over Xmas eve.
I suspect we will be living in seperate houses till sometime next year. I am cool with that. I also told my wife I don't really care which house we ultimately live in together when it gets down to it.
My son knows that mummy and daddy are living in Seperated houses to allow daddy to work on his aspergers. He has not been told any timelines as to how long this will take. All things considered it doesn't phase him.

I suspect that our son will be part of the healing process for both of us. He will be the reason for many family activities. These in turn will lead to more interaction between my wife and I and ultimately lead to (hopefully) a marriage that has been saved.

Christmas is a long way off, though, right? Maybe by then the two of you will be able to set aside your problems and celebrate a holiday together. But be honest with the kid--you both love him, you're going to find a way to work it out; you just don't know how yet. But nobody is going to miss out on Christmas.

For that matter, there's another option: Staying apart, but remaining friends--perhaps even remaining married. I know a lot of people consider separation as a temporary thing either before a divorce or getting back together and giving it another shot, but there are couples who are separated long term and happier that way--either romantically involved, so that it's more like dating than like marriage; or having gone back to friendship. Don't leave that possibility out of your calculations; you don't want to be so absolute that you plan for only a return to marriage or a complete separation. If you do live apart, I think it'd be worthwhile to separate your finances so that you don't have to bother with joint accounts (heck, that might be a good idea even if you get back together because of your tendency to want to control her finances, which naturally frustrates her).

Sometimes I wonder, reading about your situation, how much of it is due to AS at all. Money issues are probably the number-one issues that people have marital problems. You two have very different money-management philosophies--you wouldn't need to have different neurology for that to cause problems.

For that matter, there's another option: Staying apart, but remaining friends--perhaps even remaining married.


I realised this morning that our relationship is just like a high stakes poker game, not trying to be flippant. I have laid my cards on the table, but my wife is keeping her hand close to her chest.

Money and its associated AS behaviours have been the real issue with our marriage. I know what I have done is wrong and I am working hard with the support of a counsellor to change my behaviours. My wife knows that I want to save our marriage and I trying my hardest to do this.She can't give me anything at the moment and I understand that. My friends and family say that my commitment to saving our marriage is admirable. Many people would of simply walked away.

I totally understand why my wife needs a seperation and needs to live in the investment property for a while but in time I want the emotional connection with her again. I want the marriage to resume, or at least try again, even if it is a slow process. I can even imagine that this journey could take several years. I am getting on with my life for sure and trying to be a healthy person but the reality is that I hope for a reconciliation down the track. I have no set time frames for reconcilliation but at this point in time the option of " just being friends " won't work for me at this point in time..."of course that might change but I doubt it... .

The reason being that I love her immensely and in the long run i would simply end up getting hurt. We would be friends and then suddenly there would be a new man on the horizon. To me friendship is not where one person loves you and the other person just views you as a friend. She knows where I stand so I hope she is honest with me. I would be really devastated if she was simply stringing me along, fixing her emotional health, then suddenly moving on without me. In time ( probably around 6 months or so) she will have to decide really whether we can have a relationship that is more than just friends, or at least heading that way. Otherwise I will have to move on, as painful as that is. And don't get me wrong I realise there is nothing at present and I am not sitting at home pining and doing nothing, but i know in my heart that I would like a second shot down the track.

I have told her that I am happy to move in the investment property with her down the track if necessary. I am supporting her for the next 6 months while she recovers.. many people think this is a bad move but to me it is the most unselfish thing I have done in my whole life ... I know what I am doing is high risk for me, easy to walk away but I won't do that. but the thought has crossed my mind..... But I do realise that in x months time if she told me it was all over I think I would be quite angry but overall really disappointed that she did not want to at least try again..What would be worse is that in x months time I suddenly found out of the blue that there was a new man on the scene.. That would really make a divorce a very quick option and I would think that she never really wanted to start anew.

To be honest, I think that the above is all worst case scenario and unlikely. I really do believe that after time to heal my wife will want to save our relationship, but the notion of us being friends if things don't work out is unlikely for me in the short term.. I cannot be friends with someone I want to have a relationship with, maybe thats immature of me but I am thinking of my own mental health. I wouldn't be rude, and I don't want to hate her but I simply couldn't be friends at this point in time, and I really can't see that view changing. As it is now everytime I see her I just want to hug and hold her, but I can't do that. it really is very painful for me. I can definately do the dating, courtship thing if that's want she wants. Of course I will always love and be there for my son.

An amicable seperation to me is where both people realise the marriage is probably over and they want to work together for a stress free divorce, usually to minimise the stress to the kids.
For me , I realise that the reltionship is over beacuse of my AS, but that the marriage can be 'rebuilt' and some people have said to me that in having AS, it may in some ways make it easier to save your marriage.. But for me, I want to change for myself and after that I am up to the challenge of rebuilding a 'new' relationship, not friendship with my wife... I think it is possible, and so do my friends and family who know my wife and how she feels very well. I guess only time will tell. For my wife the seperation is about time to heal and reflect and she is basically 50/50 on our relationship. I see why with those odds why people walk away. I however am a firm believer in hope but I could also be a naive fool who ends up getting his heart broken again.

Last edited by ozman on 21 Jun 2012, 10:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

The more I talk to my wife the more I realize that we both have similar views, hopes and dreams, my AS just got in the way. I ignored her and I clearly see that. I was also obsessed by money. I really hope that my personal growth is appealing and things work out.and I am so glad we have a good counsellor. The really sad thing is that it has taken me to get to rock bottom to realize that I need to improve. At least I have let go of the anger. my wife even made the comment that i gave her so little emotional support she found her son the only solace for her mental health. In a way that's how I feel now...

Hey you can probably tell that I am having an awful day today.,, about to start 2 weeks vacation and for the first time in over 15 years I won't have anyone to share them with... I'm pretty shattered, actually I am totally shattered and miss my wife and son terribly. I am trying to be positive because of the following:
- I am no longer in denial about my as
- I am working on improving myself
-People say that fundamentally I am a good person
and lastly there is huge hope that our marriage may be saved in time....

I think it is the aspie in me that is making me focus on negative thoughts such as
- y did't u do something earlier when your wife said there was something wrong with you
-my wife is going to love her new place and no matter what i do for myself she is never going to look back.
- y can't my wife be with me to support me as i work on my as..
- most of my family have AS traits and really offer no support for me whatsoever.
anyhow i will focus on positives
- i miss my son so much. I barely get to see him but I don't want to have anger against my wife for this...but it is hard

you know I am starting to think that much of my marriage woes are not just based on my aspergers, rather it also incorporates some of my personality type. I am an istj and much of that personality type matches some of my poor choices. Having aspergers has just magnified some of my behaviour.
It certainly explains why I am tring to save my marriage, i thought that was the aspergers, but it more likely is my ISTJ personality.. doesn't really matter, that is certainly what I am trying to do and will continue to do until I have been told there is no hope...

Man it is tough at the moment but I have to hang in there.

Ozman, I've been trying to send you a reply to your latest pm, but it keeps on not appearing in my "Sent" folder. I've tried to send it in two parts, in case it's too long, but that also appears not to be working. I don't know what's wrong, but I'm going to try waiting until tomorrow to try again, in case it's just a glitch. I haven't forgotten!! !

I've got it, thanks..
I hope there are others who can relate to my story..
Limbo land is hard,
While yes I am Seperated it does mean that I could move on...
But still holding out hope until told otherwise.
Pretty pathetic of me in some ways but only chance of saving marriage!

Oops! I guess it was just taking a while to show up in the folder. I'll know to worry less and be more patient next time.

Given the divorce rate in our culture, I think more people could stand to be patient with each other and committed to working things out. Makes no sense to criticize the divorce rate and then be unwilling to do the kinds of things it would take to reduce it.

That's an excellent way to look at it. My councillor said something similar in that many men ( both aspie and not aspie) just simply walk away in my situation.
It is in many ways the easier option because at least u know where u r heading. My journey is the great unknown but I have some people backing me up and saying you guys will get back together.
I hope so

I guess for me I see divorce as the last possible option after every other attempt at reconcilliation has failed. And by that I don't just mean 12 months of seperation and that's it. To me it's about looking to improve , and implementing strategies to achieve that, seeking counsilling seperately and together, giving it another shot at the very leastI think my wife is of the same opinion. Let's hope so!

It is just so hard for me to let my wife go and live in another house, but to get her to want to have a relationship with me again, I have to let her go. And that I have. But comments above are vital from my perspective.

I made a comment to my wife that many men just walk away in this situation, only in response to a question she asked about what a neighbour and i were talking about, man did that go down badly, hell yes. But is was only an honest response , I hate being an aspie I really do.

I worry about this .. I don't want to be played but I am really trapped on hope.

Today not one of my better days....

I was at home looking after my son and I fell asleep in the double bed( the one my wife and I shared ) my wife found me in their and went into a rage.. Trigger was not so much that I was in the bed but the comment I made earlier ..

When I tell people where I am ie Seperated many men go I couldn't handle that , I'd be pissed off...


My wife didn't like that and got aggro saying hurtful things to me. I just calmly took them because I know she was being emotional. She doesnt like to be perceived as the bad person in this, and i certainly dont communicte that. She stormed off for a coffee and I wrote down a note expressing some points and she was a bit better after reading that.

I know for sure what I have to do to improve my communication with my wife. I also know that she still thinks that my aspergers is 100% the problem I think.

I realise now that no matter how hard I work to improve myself I will never be perfect. As i suffer from AS i will make mistkes and she has to accept that down the track ( i am happy to give her space) and if she can't then personally that is a tragedy and I will have to move on holding my head high knowing I did everything I could.

Talked to aguy at my as support group last night. He is exactly in the same boat as me,we are both living on hope and our lives are pretty stuffed at the moment.
I get to see my son basically when it suits my wife I am essentially a shattered man and she can't promise me anything.