anorexia and AS

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[quote="Kenjitsuka"

EDIT: By the way, about my perhaps too aggressive response...
I used to be on pro-anorexia forums where only the chronic cases would meet.
Often random people would sign up and then post things like "You faking whores! I hope you all get raped and die!" and even more foulmouthed, mean spirited things... some even posted rape pictures with messages like "this should be you". Quite sickening, as we where just minding our own business and bouncing out the wannarexics etc...
Guess that makes me a little ... fast and loose with my responses.[/quote]

No need to apologize for your response. You have every right to be self-protective and you don't know me. I do not say mean spirited things to anyone, but you would have no way of knowing that.

The thing is, you HAVE to believe you are one of the 20% who can get better. Why wouldn't you be one of the 20%? I found cognitive-based therapy most helpful, and a lot of that is learning to reframe the way you see the world. The toxic crap we have flying around in our heads holds us back. You can choose to focus on the 20% who will eventually die, the 60% who cycle, or the 20% who "get out" as you put it. But I can pretty much promise you that if you believe you fall in one of the first 2 groups, you will never find yourself in the third group. At least by believing you belong in the third group, you give yourself a chance.

It sounds like your weight is stable and that your therapists want you to focus on other things right now. Then that is what you should do.

But don't sell yourself short. The road to recovery can be long and hard, but I can personally tell you it is worth it. First you need to give yourself the gift of believing.

Thanks for your kind response.
I do believe that I am one of the toughest fighters out there.
I've sought out therapy again and again, left useless therapists behind and I do some pretty hardcore scary EMDR therapy.
I used to think that's what everyone does. But when I look at my mother, she is breaking apart by ignoring her PTSD... She now has eye migrains and can almost not see anymore, because she refuses to look at the past... Psychosomatic symptoms have a way of being symbolic that way, my therapist assured me.
Also all my therapists (and parents) say: "You work so hard at getting in a better place (used to be suicidal and depressed etc.)! We are proud of your progress and mentality."... so I guess it's true. Again, that sort of compliment is hard to accept with low/zero self esteem...

I do think this might be a crucial problem with overcoming the ED though. I think I'll fight every inch of the way to keep my cognitive biases intact, to ensure myself *I* won't get bad physical symptoms and so on...
The strongest willed ones might be the ones that starve to death the easiest?

On your career, Bubbles137:
It's a good idea to choose that age group; no longer very childish/wild, and not yet in puberty...
The youngest ones are indeed just too noisy and active for ASD's to be around all day.
If you think you can really manage the stress in the long run you should go for it for sure!
Just be really sure you are not overreaching a little from the start. Because that little bit (maybe unconsciously even!) will eventually wear you down over time just as much as a huge, shortterm overreaching....

I think it's stupid that you have to tell your employer about any past diagnoses! Here that is illegal to ask, and rightfully so!
Once you have recovered from something you deserve to leave it behind. Not have it postered all over your resume!
However, even if the school knows that you had an ED and accept that it should be fine to say: "Hey, thanks so much for your understanding, but... I do suffer a little from mild ASD. Can we think of a few things to make it possible for me to teach here despite that?" (Could even be a little funding for that? Disabled people-back-to-work money?)...
I guess if you only worked mornings? Or half a week? Such things can take meltdowns out of the equation, perhaps?
The core is this: It's in EVERYONE's best interest to accommodate the ASD. Ignoring it will cause a mess in the long run!! ! And then no one is happy...

Thanks for the comments, I think I'm almost decided that I'm going to apply for the teacher training (although I'm still going to talk to the woman I babysit for next week to see what she thinks) because I genuinely love working in school with the kids and I'm also really scared of having a job that isn't in a school as I feel really 'safe' and comfortable in that environment. It might be a bit much at first but I think any fulltime job would be a challenge because of the social and 'unroutine' aspects and I've been working in schools for long enough to be used to the system and routine of it. It'll definitely be really hard, both with classroom issues and with other adults (teachers, parents etc) especially but I really want to work at it and it being open with them will help that, it might be a good idea even if just to get a bit more patience/understanding instead of being told you're not progressing fast enough or not putting enough effort in when I was nearly at meltdown mode every night and working til 2am every day. I'm also thinking of applying part-time so it's only a few days instead of every day to make it easier to deal with. I know it'll be hard but I think it'll definitely be worth it, and probably beneficial to the kids as well as there is often ASD kids at school who I really like working with. It is annoying having to declare ED, I definitely think it should be optional especially if it's a while ago or not actually relevant to the job!

I'm sorry to say I think you might be on to something with that. I saw an odd bumper sticker the other day. It said something like "No little girl dreams of growing up to be a crack wh*re" Sometimes self-control is an illusion. I don't think anyone who ends up with bad physical symptoms thought they were going to be one of "the ones."

That is why I suggested before that you have to give up your illusions and fully accept that you are killing yourself and offer yourself no excuses or justifications or rationalizations. It is a harsh reality to come to terms with, but when you finally understand you are truly fighting for your life, you (or at least I) found a strength within me that was lacking before. However, since you have shared the other issues, perhaps this is not the right time for you to do that. Perhaps it is wisest for you to hold steady where your health is not in imminent risk and work through some other things first. I did not have PTSD to work through and although I have social difficulties to some degree and was bullied, etc as a kid, it isn't the same as growing up autistic.

But at some point you will have to decide with every cell in your body that you are done. Period. As Yoda says "Do, or do not. There is no try" When you do get to that point, I wish you courage and strength. But I believe you will be able to get through it because as I said before, I did it, and I am no different or better than anyone else. The key is to find the courage to change what you think.

I've had the same experience recently- I had a meeting with the people I've been seeing over the last few years who said that they think I'm too scared to change, which could be true but now I have no idea what to do. I think part of the problem is that it's become so routine I literally don't know what to do differently and it scares me. It seems safer to keep doing the same things because I've been doing it so long and anything different really freaks me out.