Special interest destroyed!

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OMG...........tidbits of information is a dangerous thing.

And for what it is worth I have said 6 weeks and the planes will be replaced.So advise him to leave tell him he is in an abusive relationship but keep in mind he is actually not in the best frame of mind at the moment

OMG...........tidbits of information is a dangerous thing.

And for what it is worth I have said 6 weeks and the planes will be replaced.So advise him to leave tell him he is in an abusive relationship but keep in mind he is actually not in the best frame of mind at the moment

Hon... I think you're being abusive; you just don't want to admit it to yourself.

Many people who mistreat their spouses are not actually cold-hearted sociopaths. They are simply impulsive and unable to control themselves and their anger, and tend to lash out at their spouse when they are upset. Instead of trying to solve their own problems, they blame them on their spouse--and it isn't even some kind of attempt to deceive; it is more a matter of poor insight, being unable to see yourself from an objective perspective. Then because the people in your life are not perfect, you can see the flaws, and you conclude that it must be these flaws causing the problem, and the other person's unwillingness to change for you that must be perpetuating it. If your husband has Asperger's, it's not severe enough to cause him to be unable to drive or unable to live on his own, or unable to keep a job. Most Aspies have problems with one or more of those things. On the other hand, you are lashing out at him to the degree that you're trying to control his finances, have gotten him fired from his job, and are destroying things that mean very much to him. I would be willing to bet that the AS is not the problem here.

I am proceeding here on the assumption that when you do things to hurt your husband, they are impulsive, a matter of frustration--they happen because you lose control of yourself. So your responsibility, as a part of a family, is to protect your family. And that includes protecting them from yourself.

Don't think with your emotions here; think with your logic. If you can't control yourself well enough not to destroy his prized collection, can you really trust yourself not to hurt your children if you become frustrated enough--say, perhaps destroy one of their favorite things, or verbally abuse them? If you love your children--and I think you probably do--then you want them to be safe, even from you. For that matter, maybe the same is true of your husband. While you are thinking straight, ask yourself: Do I really want him to have to live this kind of life? And if it comes to it, an aimcable divorce would be a much better life for both of you, if the alternative were that you would hurt him and he would be hurt by you.

Right now your family needs to stay safe. Face up to your problems. It doesn't matter what you could do in a perfect world and with no provocation. It matters what you tend to do in the real world. And what you're doing is hurting people. First make sure your family is safe. Then you can work on changing your own behavior. Swearing that you'll never behave that way again is not enough when you've already done things that you probably regret. You are human, you are fallible, you make mistakes, and you should not allow those mistakes to hurt your family.

I don't get it. Haven't you been dealing with one all these years? He didn't suddenly become a different person.

That said selling other people's stuff is not an aspie thing (it might be a spouse-got-you-fired-and-you're-broke-and-bitter thing).

Too many contradictory stories here, I don't even...

Well, if he says he has been "just pretending" to be NT all these years, I would be willing to guess that he is no longer trying to mediate some of his symptoms. So he may very well be acting in a way that is completely foreign to his spouse. It is also possible he is allowing himself to behave badly and then just blaming it on his AS, who knows?

I suspect they are both at fault and I suspect they are both telling the story that makes the other person look much worse than they are and makes themselves look much more innocent than they really are. That is the way these things go.

f**k me, I'm never getting married.

I lived away for nearly six months. It was shortly after my health care professionals said I most likely have Aspergers. I was in a good, calming environment, fairly isolated, relatively low stress. In that time things (including my wife's attitudes) changed drastically. Things haven't been right in our relationship for the whole ten years we have been together. I am now recently less and less capable of dealing with stress. I'm unemployed, unwell, and so tired that I just cant 'act' as it takes a massive amount of energy and concentration that I don't have.... I more so than anyone wish that things would just get back to normal. I utterly detest what my current inability is doing to me. I NEVER stimm in public but its to the point that I am having to noticeably in order to cope with simple things like a trip to the supermarket. At the moment I am actually embarrassing myself when I am alone, and am often left think that if 'they' had a camera in my car/room etc. they would probably lock me up because of the level that I am stimming to try and self soothe - I look like a crazy person. This is why I have psychologist and Psychiatrist appointments this week. What is going unsaid here is that the more stressful my home life becomes the worse my symptoms become and the more foreign I thus seem to my wife, who reacts accordingly and arcs up and thus things at home become more stressful.... vicious circle.... Other issues (mainly that she does and I quote "not want to be in a relationship with as Aspie",) also factor in here.

BESIDES all this, I am still looking for work, looking after our children (okay so that means watching them at home and making sure they don't kill themselves or each other but not much more than that) and still managing to do SOME housework albeit far less than I am normally capable of. I am trying my best so when I need to take off to avoid a 'major dummy spit' I think that is quite responsible of me. It's a damn site better than the alternative. When I go into adrenal overload it is very unfortunately sometimes expressed as an uncontrollable rage. Most times I can 'pop off' inside my head but at those times where I feel I can't and I want to leave to protect my family from myself... well... then my stuff gets smashed.

Thanks for all your input so far - there have been some really balanced and insightful answers and it IS helping...

I think it is not unreasonable for you and your wife to work out some way for you to leave an interaction if you must. My dad has only recently learned how to do this and it is helpful. The main caveat is that you have to agree to come back and discuss whatever hot-button item is causing the contention when you are both in a better place. Otherwise, you will just keep escaping and issues will not get dealt with.

Having one spouse work and the other not when we were not both in full agreement with the arrangement was the beginning of the end for my marriage. It puts a lot of funky stuff into the relationship and it is very difficult to deal with.

You both have valid issues. You are both doing things to trash your marriage. If you can both become accountable for your piece of the problem and work hard at finding ways to work around issues that can't be eliminated and eliminate the issues that can be, you can probably find a way to salvage this. But as long as you are both focused on "Well, he did..." "Oh, yeah? Well she did..." it is going to be very hard for you guys to pull through this.

Let me ask...have you spent any time studying and learning about her issues? They can be very serious, you know, and every bit as debilitating as AS if they are severe enough. Perhaps that would be a neutral starting place, for both of you to learn more about each other's issues.

Yes I spent almost a year right by her side through the diagnosis and treatment of her PTSD. At this time I was single handedly running a business we had as well as looking after our two kids who were a lot younger. I never understood the reasons for her situation regardless of how much I read and studied, spoke with her mental health care team etc. My lack of understanding was due to the fact that of the PTSD I did not know the full extent of the 'TS' part of it - this was hidden from me for almost our entire relationship. Despite this is I still stood by her. This was inexplicably difficult for me. To be honest I think that the fact that I can break everything down to logic is probably what helped me see through it all. I can't begin to imagine what she must be going through seeing me like this. I only wish she had the strength to help me through it. Sadly she is woman, and roar she must.

That sounds like a wise decision. I'm never going to get married either.

So... you both hid your disorders from each other...

Ouch. Just... ouch.

Essentially, you were both working on the assumption that neither of you has a disability, and it turned out that both of you actually do.

Know what? I'm editing my last post until I read through everything because in hindsight, I should have.

But I do think that no one should ever be hurting someone on a regular basis in a marriage, and I think counselling is the way to go. That, or realise that maybe this relationship isn't right for you- kids should never ever grow up around this. Seriously, all this damage needs to stop.

This seems like a very complicated situation. On the one hand, at least it was only the planes she hurt and not you... my mom has experience with physically abusive relationships, they are really terrible. On the other hand, destroying something that means that much to a person -- that is effectively a part of their identity -- shows a serious lack of emotional control. Maybe it's best for both of you to get out while you can, I speak from experience when I say it'll be better for your kids in the long run, even if it's really hard now.

Last edited by StarTrekker on 10 Feb 2013, 3:14 am, edited 1 time in total.

I've read everything and I agree with a particular poster. You both have issues you aren't manning (or ladying) up for and you need to stop blaming each other for this. IMO these comments are just placing blame, blame, blame.

You've both blamed each other and where has that gotten you? Focus on yourselves, and focus on your children. Both of you! What is going to happen to them when they want a relationship? Chances are they might be as unhappy as you both are and I want to see you both admit if you're going to sit and let that happen.

You both have issues, both need help, and both are unable to handle that you're both humans with big issues that are not helping anything. Hell, we all, every person, have issues- but when they're affecting you and your kids like this, you need some real therapy, from a good therapist. Not blame.

I hope you can afford it, or resolve your problems in a good, productive way else-how. You both deserve to be happier than you are.

See...stuff like this is not helpful if you are hoping to find a way through this.

The sentence before that, though? That was a good one. That is a place to start. If you--both of you--could start there without arguing, yelling, passing the buck, and resorting to insults and blame-laying, then you might have a chance of finding your middle ground.

I presume you love each other, but worry that you are both going down a dangerous road. I think marriage counselling might be a good idea.