What to say at the supermarket...

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Correction: I went to pay (on my own), my parents were waiting in the car. Checkout monkey demanded ID. I walked out with the remainder of my shopping. I went in to buy some cider for my mum, as they didn't have any at the other branch. I went outside and simply said "they won't serve me". She had my passport on me, but if I have it I will lose the bloody thing. So she marched in and flashed it for me. (Like you say, it's unhealthy, but I only realised this later.)

It's the whole matter of taking it out of my hands that I have a real problem with. My mum controls enough of my life anyway - I wish it was less, but I don't feel capable enough of controlling that yet. But when she encroaches on the areas where I feel confident and I feel I have agency, I get really upset.

At the other supermarket, I never get asked, because after being asked a lot of times by different people ages ago I simply raised hell with them about it.

Frankly, my development is... ret*d. I still am nowhere near ready to break away. My mum is still too overprotective, but I have no-one I can hang out with that can help me break that mould. I am on my own.

I joke that at times I feel a bit like as though I'm in Saudi, with the roles reversed. (Not to that extent, but I simply do not have many of the tools to function properly because I feel constantly tired. If I had energy, I would feel that way less and more capable.)

I know - your ladyboner for me just died, right? Don't worry, it happens to everyone. Sometimes, even the women that have groped me - without asking - in the past.



They are missed opportunities, but then I think to myself that I seem to turn so many women off (due to my own autocentricity and obsessiveness) that it's probably a good thing. I have problems relating to others and, in particular, listening. They tell me something, I generally won't remember.

Do you ever feel alienated from real life and the mainstream, as though you are literally living in your own little world, where you can only tangentially see outsiders?

I know that passports are expensive but do they have cheaper ids that you could get to carry with you that it wouldn't matter if you lost it? You could never take it out of your wallet and if you lose wallets get one of those wallets on a chain.

I never had a passport because they are expensive. I live in NY and in the US you can get a non driver's id from the dmv if you don't drive.

Yes - Citizencard.

She is overprotective because you haven't proven to her that you're capable of yourself. It is also very selfish of her to be so overprotective. My mum is exactly the same, and still interferes in my life when she can (calling up my optician, dentist, college and telling them I've got AS, and she'll lie that she's told them).

What you have to do is get angry at yourself, and kick yourself. Be frustrated and embarrassed. Surely you don't want to be treated like this for the rest of your life. I had to prove to my mum that I was capable, I think I've told you how before. You need to do it on your own without anyone's help.

In other words, it's not just your mum holding you back. How can someone as intelligent as you be developmentally that slow? Forgive me if I'm being ignorant here.



I'm saying nothing!

As for the obsessiveness with food/beer - I learned a trick from Paul McKenna. It made me learn how to tell whether I was hungry or not...by eating slowly. Eat what you like, as long as you chew everything slowly, with at least 20 chews per mouthful. It's a discipline you have to get used to. I guess this advice is pretty useless to you, right? Oh well, I tried.

Erm... I am frustrated and embarassed. She still isn't listening to me and is dismissing my complaints. She is still taking control of my life. As soon as I declare any interest in most women, she will squelch on it, so it's better to remain silent. No wonder I spend half my time looking at porn. What she should have done is handed me my passport and let me deal with it, even if it took me all day.

I will order a Citizencard tomorrow. (Christ, I still feel like a child because I feel the need to order one of these things at 25. I am that bad with my possessions though, it's unreal. I am so un-alert at times. I'm sure a fair bit of it is this sleep disorder.)

Last edited by Tequila on 02 Jul 2013, 5:05 pm, edited 2 times in total.

That's not the major concern for me.

My major concern is being able to relate to people without them realising that I am a freak within 10 minutes of starting a conversation.

I actually didn't get my current id until last year because I let my old one I got as a teenager expire and then they had stricter requirements on proof of identity that I couldn't meet.

I'm 38 and I still live with my mother and don't work.

A simple and friendly response would be "Every day" said with a smile.

Perhaps sit down with your mum and explain how her behaviour makes you feel.
Then organise a separate easily replaceable ID you can carry.
It sounds like you feel very isolated, is there some group or club you can attend to meet new people?

Its a pity you live on the other side of the world, you would be welcome at my parties.

My mum doesn't listen to a single thing I say, but that doesn't mean I need her permission to do anything. Why tell your mother anything about what you do? It's your life.

Never talk to your parents about your crushes. Not sure if you saw me post about how my mother dealt with my last almost-relationship. Mothers can be manipulative control freaks, blaming their depression or whathaveyou on your unwillingness to do things their way. It has to be totally up to you to keep as much of your life away from her as possible, because that is what is feeding her obsessive behaviour towards you.

Oops, posted too slowly and missed your last responses

I've done this four times since it happened. When she's done this before, I've reinforced the message several times.



I plan on doing this tomorrow.

I would take my passport with me, but that is stupid and dangerous.



Yes, I am very isolated. I don't know anyone that I can click with.



Thanks. I take it that's a pint of Tooheys Old on the bar for starters?

There isn't any gatherings I know of that I can easily get to on my own, either by walking or by bus. If it was there, I would have done this already. I have been to one or two gatherings in Preston, but they are completely unsuitable for me, even if I can relatively easily get to them. There are no people I really click with at my autism group either. I feel on my own out here. I have even given my number to some people who I get on reasonably well with at the local boozers (and they're not just random people), but it never goes anywhere.

I am reliant on my mother for most things. I wish it wasn't this way (some of this is my fault, some of it I can fix if I have more energy, some of it is beyond my control), but it is.

God, i hate that no shut up and mind your own business.
Now you made me wish i was having a party.

Anyway you could say no just for me and fake laugh.

I never take my passport with me, but I my id card fits in my wallet so I always have it with me. I don't even have a passport at this time because my id card allows me to travel to all EU countries + Switzerland and Norway and so on. I read the UK has a different type of id card that doesn't allow for travelling abroad.
Strangely, even an expired id card is enough for travelling in the EU.

Having your own id card really gives you more freedom, at least that's my experience. Lately people need id for just about anything. Whenever I have to get something done at the bank they always ask for id. Wasn't the case 5 years ago.
I've had to show id for buying alcohol quite often. The government is serious about for the last couple of years, because there is a trend of coma-binging (comazuipen) among young people in some of the more boring parts of the country. There have been 13 year old kids in a coma in the hospital. I don't see how asking me for id when I buy beer is helping, but I really don't blame the people at the supermarket because they are just afraid if they accidentally sell to a minor they get in trouble. There was a sign at the supermarket that they would ask people for their id up to 25 (even though all alcohol in the supermarket up to 15% can be bought at 16), just to be certain. And I can understand the people behind the counter can't always spot the difference between 25 and 30, who could?

They even do this at the coffeeshops (the Dutch name for hashbars) in some cities. Everybody has to show id before they are allowed in, because they get closed down if they allow people that are not carrying id. They will check everybody regardless of age, I've seen them turn away people with grey hair for not having id.

[ /rant]


Another thing I find gives a feeling of indepence is my bicycle. For me it's more practical than taking the bus, because I find the time table of the buses very restrictive, and they often take the long route (most buses go to the train station/town center first, and there you have to find a bus that actually takes you where you want to go). A couple of times I've missed the last bus, and then you're just stranded. I had to go back to the pub to get properly shitfaced before making the attempt to walk back home for more than an hour.
Many Dutch people are cyclists in an almost religious way. Of course they can say in a smug way that they are environmentally friendly and it's good for their health, but I don't have a bicycle for those reasons. It's just that I've been standing at bus stations without buses and train stations without trains a bit too often. Public transport can expect me as a customer when they have a 24/7 timetable and the prices go down 50%. At least cycling doesn't cost much.

Oh, another thing is that I got cycle-bags to put the groceries in. Easier than lugging them in and out of the bus.