Autism Confusion

Post Reply New Topic

I know that I felt completely alone in the sense of my Aspie and misophonic issues for the first four decades of my life. Finding WP was the very first time ever where I felt that I was completely understood and accepted for my entire self and it feels great.

Thank you for your support with what happened! The laugh you just gave me made me feel so much better!
But I always try to remember too that to some people I really am like an alien at times and they really have no concept or frame of reference at all for what I go through so I try understand that they really can't know any better at times. It does not excuse their inability to be compassionate or understanding but perhaps I would act the exact same way if I was them and they were me. So I try to be understanding myself even when others treat me badly. I know that they don't all do it on purpose, some might but the ones who really love me don't, and I just have to teach them. But I did talk to her about it and she apologized and felt really bad. Most people who really care about you will learn even if you have to tell them a few times but eventually they get it. But just like I want people to treat me well with love and respect and compassion and understanding, it can start with me. The way I respond to them when they make a mistake can make a huge difference in how they learn to treat me in the future. But you made me laugh and that helps a ton too. I glad to have you as a friend Wozeree.

I like how you two guys talk and think. So maybe you can help me with this one (not a hijack, I hope, as it seems to follow on, but perhaps worthy of its own string anyway):

What do you tell a genuine friend when she asks: "So what is this Asperger's thing?" or "What does it mean for you?" The question usually invokes a mini (invisible) meltdown with the result that I try to say it in one sentence, which ends up worse than if I hadn't tried at all. And it's just no use telling them to Google it; they won't. It's me or nothing.

Help, please?

LOL!! Actually just a dear friend who made a mistake. But it's all forgiven. You have a great night HighPlateau or day, since you are in Oz! It's actually quite the wee hours of the morning here so I had better get my behind to bed, I have an appointment in the morning so I need to get up in a few hours and be ready to go.

Hugs to you guys,
Goodnight.

I would just tell her how it impacts your life in ways that she can't see. If it was me, talk about how awkward conversation feels for me when the whole time I'm trying not to let anyone see that I'm struggling to see what's going on, or how hard it is to sit next to someone at work because her normal noises and smells and sounds make me feel overwhelmed like she's sitting on my lap 7 hours a day. And how fatigued I feel at the end of the day just getting through.

I don't know what your issues are though, just tell her what is important to you.

Of course you can also tell her about things you love doing, how you might not be so passionate about so and so, or you like being alone and thinking about things or whatever it is that gives you pleasure that you think might be from Autism. Maybe you've got strengths or you can see the world from a unique perspective.

I don't think this is a once sentence conversation.

It's not really that they get upset about a lot of talking about issues, so much as any talk about it. Or whatever arbitrary talk that they don't like. It's like to admit that Autism causes problems in our lives is to malinger, put on.

LOL you got that right.

Well, as it happens, one of my autism things is I get stage fright. I'm good in group scenarios, but freeze in the spotlight. So this situation is a double whammy: I'm in the spotlight because I'm expected to stand up and explain something, and I'm in the spotlight because it's me I'm trying to explain to someone else, and I'm in the spotlight because my inner advocate wants to win hearts and minds by 'getting it right' - just another layer of pressure I could really do without. Okay, that was three - a triple whammy, then.

All I can think of in that situation is making it stop - and that's a sad thing here, because it's amazing when someone really wants to know and I seem unable to do anything but reinforce their disbelief. In the end, everything I say sounds like a lie because as far as they can see the opposite, or a different explanation, is true [cf all that's been said about the affliction of "high functioning"]. TBH I would have trouble persuading myself I wasn't being histrionic.

Maybe I could say that for many, many adult years I felt bruised in the stomach after conversations, like I did something wrong but don't know what it was. That I used to be secure in myself until discovering I would always be singled out and that I couldn't function in the spotlight, so then I learned how to shrink myself. That I succeeded so well in shrinking and losing my sense of direction (but not avoiding the spotlight) I started relying on alcohol to be able to function socially at all and had recourse to an emotionally abusive social leader or two rather than try to function solo. That I forced myself to go along with being singled out but never adapted to it, the best example being with music - my greatest joy, and the two-edged sword.

Despite the fact I can play and sing and write music, if I am not in a band I stop doing music altogether because it is painful to perform solo and I can't seem to be energised about it without someone to bounce off. Yet playing solo is something I have forced myself to do because people feel personally rejected if I decline and not infrequently do subtle rejection payback (I don't really have many other social selling points). Playing solo is like torture to me because of the spotlight thing, but it is one of the few ways I have of keeping friendships alive because of the conversation deficits. I have also been persuaded that it is something of an obligation to share the gift of music - and part of me believes this as well. It is definitely for sharing, but environment and context are everything. Amongst musicians, of course, it is not difficult at all; it is lifegiving; similarly amongst kind/red souls who are motivated by love and genuine appreciation, rather than competition, contest and vitriol, it feels like a community thing and is nurturing to all. The bullies believed my inability to perform by rote on demand was the purest self-indulgence and used that as another whip.

In short, I have been so badly bent out of shape it's like being a bound foot - yet even to say that is to invite, "But that's just life. Everyone feels that. Get over it."

Like that's going to cut it as gentle sundowner conversation!!

I will give it some thought, though. Your advice is sound and has sparked off some useful lines of thought. This conversation has made me realise I need to treat it as I would a performance, prepare something of a set piece ... though pretty certainly not this one. LOL

It seems a little silly to me that people should complain about talking about Autistic issues on an Autism forum. But maybe that's just me!

I don't know, I know how you feel though. Maybe really the best thing is to discuss things as they come up. For instance if you have a great day doing research or some kind of epiphany of something you didn't understood before, you can share that with her. Or if you mess up do to your autsim you can share that. I would maybe try not to go to heavy with it all at once.

All food for thought. Thank you, guys, for your sensible words and for humouring me during this brief interruption to transmission.

Namaste.

I think, in some ways, I have gotten along well in society, but I could have done much better.
In my early years, I worked in a bank full time. It was the only full time job I had, I was a bad fit for the corporate environment, my interests in my punk band and community radio show made me seem even weirder, and my time there was quite alienating. I took the redundancy package at 23 and have never had a full time job since.

I poured all my efforts into music, developing my visual art skills, and avoiding my welfare obligations, under the misperception that I was bipolar or something. I have had dozens of casual or part time jobs over the years, some highly suitable, others life endangering. I dropped out of a computer science degree because of my struggles with the sensory and social environment, even though I was getting high distinctions.

Along the way, I have had many satisfying relationships, but they all ended badly. I have moved from one subcultural group to others along the way, making many friends, some condemned me for being werid and crazy, some still love me for being weird and "crazy".

Except I'm not crazy. After surviving an armed hold up a few years back, my autistic issues became so pronounced that I was able to get my HFA diagnosis last month. I am now 41. I recently lost my girlfriend of eight years, my boyfriend of four years, my social community, my business and my home. I still have a pool of supportive friends and some have given me temporary lodgings. I'm pretty devastated by the turn of events, but I know I will survive again, make new friends, meet new lovers, and continue on with my art.

My biggest hope is that I will be able to make more allowances for HFA, and find friends who can accept this about me. Many of my good friends already make allowances for my eccentricities, I can't ask for more than that. Most people I know appreciated learning of my HFA, it seemed to make my weirdness more acceptable or something. Many of my best friends are on the spectrum themselves, which makes understanding a little easier.

Because I only recently self-diagnosed and subsequently had it confirmed, and because my stepchild was diagnosed with Aspergers a couple of years ago, I too have made autism my special interest area. I am very excited to learn this about myself, it is more of a revolutionary discovery, than say, coming out as a bisexual. I'm sure in time, my focus on autism won't be so personally consuming, but this here is Wrong Planet, and if people don't want to obsess over it, why are they here?

I love you people. I have lots of really up and positive and creative times but this is not one. It is wonderful to be able to read your upbeat takes on stuff. Sometimes I am the same and that is not when I need to hear it somewhere else (though still great to hear it expressed). When I am down it helps me remember how it feels to be up. Seriously, this is a big plus. You remind me of me in the good times. Thank you.