How is this offensive?

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Yeah, me too.

Define "mild"

But, League Girl, you asked for clarification regarding why someone might be offended. Someone might be offended because language is very rarely ever taken in without some personal twist to it. No, he never said that he was better than others. But that can be how others perceive it. I have known many Aspies who say they are immune to that kind of thing (reading into what others say), but I have never found a person who I have never seen do it. We all have experiences and our experiences color our perceptions.

It may be that he did not defend himself because he did not feel he need to. And it might not even be because he didn't think he did anything wrong. It could be that he thought "huh...point taken. I will not say that again."

If I had a dime for every time I said something that offended someone else...I have learned that the worst response to that is to get defensive. It is better to either just apologize and tuck it into your mind that some people find that kind of statement offensive, or to state that no offense was intended and to ask for an explanation regarding why it was offensive so you don't do it again.

Then there are other times when you accept responsibility for offending people with what you said, but stick to your guns because it is something of importance to you. I have many strong beliefs, some of which other people find highly offensive. I do not blame them for being offended and I understand why they are, but I will not change my view to make them feel better.

But I don't think the statement you are referring to is that kind of remark. I think it was a remark that was probably made innocently enough without realizing that someone would find it offensive.

Let me give another example of that kind of offensive statement. People have often said to me "You have 2 special needs kids? I don't know how you do it! How do you make it through a day?" Clearly, I do not think they intend to offend me. They probably think they are giving me kudos. But to be honest, they do offend me. My kids are not a chore. They are not a tragedy. They are not a burden. They are my kids. When people make that statement, whether or not they are aware they are doing it, they are devaluing my kids by assuming that they are more difficult than typical kids. The truth is, I don't think they are. I have some challenges that parents of typpies may not have, but to be honest, I have seen some typical kids out there that would send me running to the hills. Sometimes the fact that they don't even realize that they are devaluing my kids is what makes me the most mad. It infuriates me that people think that because they are SN, they are automatically "harder" or "less than" a non-disabled kid.

Words have power and communication is a two way street. The person doing the communicating needs to take some responsibility for the impact of their words on others. To think that we can speak to others and do so as if we were talking into a vacuum without the potential for differing perceptions and interpretations is foolish. If you are trying to communicate something to someone that is NOT intended to offend, and you do offend, then your job as a communicator is not done. Unless all you want to do is hear yourself talk, ykwim?

As long as it is not a well worn stereotype about autism thrown by some ignorant NT, then personally I wouldn't be upset about. Foolish but not offensive.

From the sound of it her ahstma and allergies seem more disabling than enabling...

He must have meant "disabled".

The allergies etc DISABLE her more than his aspergers disables him. So he is better off being him.

If he actually meant 'enabled' then his statement doesnt make any sense (why would you be HAPPY to be less 'enabled' than someone else?).

It can be offensive, because it's kinda suggesting that being AS is bad or there's something really badly wrong about AS-people. I mean, when someone says to the AS-person that they're glad that their AS is only mild, is like saying "You're not as good as me."

I guess. I wouldn't be offended, and honestly without this thread I wouldn't even came to think it would be offensive. But now that I think about it I think I can see why someone would be offended.

e/

Actually, Who_Am_I explained this even better than I did:

Highligh done by me.

I'm sure glad I'm not you Leaguegirl!

In fact I think that its safe to say that none of us here would wanna be YOU!

Lol!

^ How can you say that? That's like saying to a leprosy victim that you're glad you don't have that disease. I mean, I wouldn't like to be like League Girl either, but it isn't her fault she's who she is. She was just born that way. We shouldn't make her feel any less for it just because she's less fortunate than us, more able people.

Yes you are right, anyone can do this. Read into what is written which is what I said earlier in this thread.



I intended to give someone sympathy on another forum because he said his son did something horrible when he was six and he took offense to what I said. I got defensive. It's my natural response when I mean no harm and someone takes it the wrong way making me feeling bad reminding me of how socially inept I am so I told him I would never respond to him again and I was just trying to show sympathy and I said nothing about his daughter and he went off about her as if I said something about her. Of course I know this happens to everybody where they all say things or come off wrong and it offends someone and I can't seem to stop taking it so personally when it happens to me so I go "fine, I will not speak to this person ever again" and problem solved for me because I never have to worry about offending them again because I don't talk to them. So it wouldn't even surprise me if no one ever tells me I have said something wrong or show their offense because then I go all or nothing on them and take it to extreme. I once made a mistake in a group online and after that I never wanted to make a thread there again and didn't because I was afraid of making the same mistake again. I asked a question on Babycenter once and got trolled and bullied for it, I never felt comfortable asking more questions on there again and was told to grow up when I said I thought it was a safe place to ask. But I saw many other women have gotten slammed for their questions as well in other groups so I figured oh I didn't do anything wrong, it's the other women with problems and they love to bully people and take offense just so they have an excuse to bully. It just made me too afraid to post anything there because I didn't know how it will come off as or how people will take it because they all seemed to read into things and have selective reading and twist what is written. But the drama was fun to read until I got bored with it and left. I am even more afraid to even talk to people because online has gotten me so afraid to say anything or talk to people without having any anxiety and I just wished I stayed off those parenting forums and remain ignorant about what people get offended by because back then I was not afraid to talk to people or as questions because I am a curious person and now I am scared to talk and would rather talk to people who know me well.



Would it be offensive if I asked a single parent how does she do it or a single ASD parent. I am a curious person and I don't see how I would manage to be a single mom and I wonder how do ASD parents do it without freaking out or shutting down or getting overwhelmed because I get that way with my son when my husband just stays on his computer and always dumps our kid on me when he is done doing something with him and goes back to what he is doing. He will say to me to come get him when I need help and I do but only to do something and then goes back to what he is doing so it's a joke for me to even ask for help. It does make me wonder how do single parents do it and how do ASD parents do it without screaming at their kids when they are overwhelmed. How do they even keep themselves calm? I have tried to look online how to stop screaming at your children and none of the advice I find helpful so I know I do have a problem if none of the advice is non affective for me. There is nothing online for mom's with anxiety and I can see what people mean by when they say there is no support for ASD parents.
But I guess I will never get my answer if it might come off as offensive if I ask so I am on my own to figure it out if I can.

I think getting defensive is an automatic response for most people, NT and ASD alike. I want to give you a different POV to try out: by NOT getting defensive, you are actually showing that you are NOT socially inept. Maybe just try taking a deep breath before typing and saying "I apologize that I offended you. My intent was to show sympathy and I am sorry that is not what you felt." I am often surprised by the huge "change in course" this causes (in a positive way). I am also relieved that when I do this, it calms my emotions down a great deal. I find when I get sucked into feeling the need to defend myself, I get caught up in a lot of circular thinking that only heightens my feeling of distress. By simply apologizing and reasserting my intention, it lets me move on way quicker.



This is a very insightful realization. I hope you can realize that you can use it to your benefit. If you leave yourself open to feedback, more people will give it to you, and I think most of the people who give me feedback in my life do it because they care. While no one likes to hear that they were just an insensitive ass, I would rather have someone tell me so I can learn from my mistake than to avoid telling me in fear that I will become an even bigger jerk!



Don't even get me started on Babycenter. That was singlehandedly the worst online experience of my life.




I think if you are asking it as a real question, it is OK. It's just that in my experience, most people who say that are not expecting an answer. It is more of an exclamation of how horrible my life must be because I have SN kids. There have been some people who ask me, but they ask because they are curious and they actually want to sit with me and hear the answer. That's not offensive. It's the presumption that it is a burden, even though I know that is not what they are consciously intending to imply.



How old is your son? I will tell you honestly that I am usually a calm person, but when I lose it, I tend to really lose it. When my kids were younger, especially my son, there would be times that I would be screaming irrationally at the result of something he had done. Not my proudest moments, for sure, but I had a husband who didn't help, a 4 year old with extreme sensory seeking behavior, and an autistic baby who never slept and needed to be held all the time. It was a recipe for disaster. I ask how old your son is because I can tell you that now that my kids are 8 and 12, they understand that sometimes mommy needs a time out. We all do. Usually if I feel it brewing, I tell them I need a timeout and they go and watch tv or read or go on the computer or something and leave me alone. Sometimes my son can sense that I am verging on a "Mommy Dearest" moment and he will lead his sister away. My point is this might get better as your son gets older because his ability to understand that people need space sometimes will get better.



I find the parent's section of this forum to be peopled mostly by rational people who are willing to share what works for them. As you probably know, a number of the parents are on the spectrum themselves. I don't think anyone would find it offensive if you ask the questions there. I know I wouldn't find it offensive.

I think that is a relief to hear because it means its normal and human nature and there is nothing really wrong with me. But that doesn't make it right IMO just because something is human nature. I think saying something is human nature is just an excuse because then people don't bother to work on it or do anything about it to change it.



When I have tried apologizing in the past, people would still be upset and not move on and I gave up with it. I probably let some bad apples get in the way because I always wanted things to be better and people get over it when you say the magic word and bam you're happy again but that doesn't work with everyone and my dad told me it's their problem now.





You must have had the same problem as those other women. And some women there have actually admitted in a group they like to be mean and snarky and use the place to blow off steam when they have had a bad day than taking it out on their kids and husband. I am sure they are decent people in the real world but online they are just elementary school bullies and I wonder how do they even have time for the drama when they have kids to take care of.



I can't even tell the difference so I always take every question as serious and when I see someone ask a question and someone gets upset by it, I think the person getting upset has problems and I don't want to bother with them than knowing the asker had an agenda or something.

I think it is good to go by intention than what is implied.



Three. It's mostly his whining and him being all rowdy and acting up and not listening to me is what gets to me. I can be calm for so long before I reach my limit. I also leave the room too or put him in his room when he keeps whining or screaming. Better than yelling at him and I have a break for a short bit. I know lot of parents can't stand whining either so I know it's not just me. For me it's like finger nails on a chalkboard, I don't know about anyone else. It just drains my meter. I am less judgmental about parents yelling at their kids because I don't know if they are overwhelmed and if they are having a bad day or if they have anxiety and some kids have more energy than others and it overwhelms the parent because they are so hyper and jumpy and keep getting into trouble so try an ADHD child. Yeah I have wondered if my kid has something but we won't know until he is in school and I keep being reassured he is fine and he is just a type of child. Then all of a sudden he is fine and I think he is normal and it was all in my head and it was just one of those days he had. I can now understand why so many parents would think their kid has something and rush them to a doctor for a diagnoses and I don't want to be one of those parents unless my son genuinely has something and is truly having problems. Your kid isn't a certain way you expect them to be, bam you think they must have a disorder and take them to a doctor for it only to be told they are fine and you are given suggestions instead to help them and you feel so stupid. I have heard about parents taking their kids in only to walk out without a DX and I hear you can take your kid in and they can get any DX and I am not sure if that is true because I think doctors would know what is normal or an impairment and wouldn't give them a label for their child. Before children, I thought parents were paranoid and worried over nothing when they wonder if there is something wrong with their child so they ask for reassurance or ask if their kid has something and I was too embarrassed to even ask because I didn't want to be one of those moms. Pride.

THIS!

Agreed. Just because it is human nature doesn't mean that you shouldn't strive to improve yourself. But it does mean that you are struggling with something many people struggle with, and it isn't necessarily related to AS.




You only need to apologize once. It is up to the person to either accept it or not. If they chose not to, you are under no obligation to continue the conversation. But don't let that dissuade you from apologizing again in the future. There are many people who genuinely appreciate it when someone apologizes when they have been offended. I know I do.



My son was nearly impossible at 3. 3 is a pretty hard age. I know it doesn't help you now, but it does get easier as they get older and there is nothing wrong with separating yourself from him when it gets too much. As long as he is safe, you need to make sure you take care of yourself.

Regarding whether or not your son has something going on...with my daughter it was obvious. She wasn't speaking, pointing, responding to her name, etc. But with my son, I had a "feeling" but then he was my first so I really wasn't sure. And people kept telling me he would "grow out of it" and indeed some of my friends' kids did "grow out of it." But my son did not. Having him in school helped because then there were teachers involved who see all kinds of kids. My son's teachers were able to let me know that the things he was doing actually did fall outside of the range of what would be expected for a kid his age. Then I knew. '

In your case, I don't think you would ever be seen as one of "those" moms. Being on the spectrum yourself, I think it would be kind of expected that you might want to have your son evaluated (if you do). Especially because he is your first and to be honest, I found my first to be especially tough because I had no idea what "normal" looked like (LOL--I still don't know, because I've never seen it!) I do think if I would have gotten him OT at 3 things would be a lot different for him today, though.

Without knowing him I have no idea if he is smug and self centered. I would not have said that here because I know people on other parts of the spectrum would be offended. But I only know that because I have listened to what people here have said on this subject and understand thier feelings are valid because I have read some really nasty things some prominint Aspies such as Michael John Carley have said.

I am never "glad" I suffer less then others but I do feel fortunate I suffer less then others. Realizing this keeps me away from feeling sorry for myself at times. Is that offensive?

When dealing with NT's saying that type of stuff I try and seperate the unwillfull ignorence, the poorly worded attempt at a compliment from wording with truly abelist intent. Not an easy task for a me because of my poor understanding of others motivations but still a neccessary effort.

I remember posting two random threads back and one was who is the severest aspie here and the other was who is the mildest and the severe one was seen as an attack. Being here for 8 years, I have seen people here embrace their autism no matter how bad;y they are affected by it or how least they are and yet it was seen as an attack and taking "I am glad I have the mildest case there is" as an insult really contracts the thread I posted when the former mods took offense to it and locked it and gave me a warning for it but one of them knew it was not my intent.