i speak in maetaphors almost, all the time. but the issue is its the only way i really can explain things. sometimes, its easier for me to use a metaphor-otherwise i end up spening 45 minutes explaining the "scenario". But then when people poke holes i get aggravated because of course theres always a flaw in a situation regarding majority. and i used the metaphor to show that. i dont understand why people poke holes and then when i go to explain it they get all aggravated! I feel like a ret*d. Lately i cant even hang out with people. I seriously blow a fuse and my whole life its been anger or depression. but i am 24 and if there are too many people i get so paranoid and stressed! I've always had a headache and everyone said i exaggerate. I'm fairly good looking so when i was younger people told me i couldnt have problems. but i never fit in! I'm not sure if i have this. I'm sure my mom would never let it be diagnosed. but. theres a reason i sit in my bedroom all day. i hate people. and i think everyone around me hates me. since i was a kid ive hated the way my face looks when i talk. and i feel weird. i cant look at people because it makes me nervous. when people say my name or talk to me its too much. i usually runaway. i dont even think this is something that can be fixed! Like. What i am just going to be weird forever and not get a job? I didnt even KNOW i had this- if i even do. but reading all of these posts...I mean. I didnt just watch movies as a kid. i watched the same one 10 times in a row. read books over and over. I get stuck on a subject and i obsess over it until i understand it. I used to be obsessed i guess with making friends. and hating my parents. like all my energy was driven torwards hatred torwards my parents. thats all i cared about. i ruined my life! I'm sorry. im just pretty sad. bummed out. its at a point where i feel really alone and guys just seem to have taken advantage of me my whole life. and ive never had any girls as friends because. well. im weird. and now ive been so hurt by guys and people in general that now im not drinking and pretending. im me. and i think my parents have always treated me like some ret*d child. i dont know what to do. but. im really really really really sick of feeling this way! I get mad and scream!! ! Sometimes i break things!! I AM 24!! ! But i cant HELP it! Its like a switch flips!! !! and i just SCREAM!! !! This isnt even the right place for this post. im embarassed to even say all this. but when i see doctors i act fake because adults freak me out and i act like im just fine. but. i change when im home. i am embarassed to admit my life. i havnt been totally honest with any of the doctors. and idk what they can even do now?
16 Mar 2007, 6:22 am
