youcameandchanged wrote:
Sad to say, but I think of getting angry in public as part of my individuality. I've been wanting to get in touch with my real self again, but reality is getting in the way. Some parts of my individuality are indeed wrong to act on. For context, I only learned how to sort of control my temper in my early teens and how to actually control my temper in my late teens. When you learned how to do something past your single digits but before adulthood, it's usually in the cusp of being in between something being second nature and something being a thing you have to force yourself to do, which means that to an extent, it's second nature for me to control my anger but to an extent, it isn't. For context, people used to want me to change everything about myself. I tried to, but the real me was way too strong and after four years or so of pretending to be someone else, I wanted to get back to my real self. I have a black and white mentality and to me, it's either I be my real self all the way or feel fake. Sad to say, but I guess the haters won in the end, I have to be fake in order to please others.
They say that people who are angry have issues. That's true for me now, but even when my life was easy, I was still prone to getting angry.
BTW, here are some lyrics I could relate to:
"Yo, did I chase the glitz and glamor
Money, fame and power
'Cause if so that will forever go down my lamest hour
I shoulda kept you with me gettin' at them nameless cowards
There was no match for you, couldn't defeat your prowess
I had to make them changes, I hope you understood
You see for every bad, I did a ton of good
But you was underground, and I was mainstream
I live the life now, that we would daydream
My only wish is you come enjoy it with me
Get on them conference calls, go meet the lawyers with me
The money came yea, tripled and quadrupled it
But I still miss us when we was on some stupid s**t
But its still f**k the media
They ridiculed you, never believed in ya
They just deaded you
Left you in all black
But dear old Nicki
Please call back"
I could relate. Not fully because I'm not famous or anything, but I could relate because for all the ton of bad I did by pretending to be someone else, I did a ton of good. One might argue that I may not ever have learned self-control if I didn't care about what others said.
Other things I connect these lyrics with: I miss the real me and how I used to not care about what others said. They tried bullying me in grade school, but I had way too much of a Dariaesque attitude for people to get to me, and that's why bullies were unable to get to me until my early teens. (God, I wouldn't be surprised if Maleficent cursed me when I was born that I would have a good childhood, but that my life would turn into crap at 13. If everybody was like me, institutionalized child murder would have been legalized long ago in order to prevent everyone from being in this situation, but not everyone is like me, so it's illegal.) Sure, I miss my unflappability, but it's because of pretending to be someone else that I learned how to control my anger and how to fit in with people. As a kid, I had no sense of camaraderie and I had a really strong sense of individuality. I didn't care about that in childhood, but various situations taught me that I should sometimes sacrifice your individuality for the sake of social harmony. There are lots of situations in life that require a sense of camaraderie and require you to sacrifice the latter, and if I didn't learn how to pretend to be someone else, I'm not sure if I could even have done those two things.
25 Oct 2018, 5:08 am
