Accepting what you missed in life

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I suppose that I have always had a great need for acceptance, affirmation, approval. Probably started early in life when my biological mother put me up for adoption when I was 2 weeks old. One of my first experiences, then, was rejection by the one person who was suppose to love and take care of me. Then I got bullied in school and rejected by most of my peers (I could usually have a couple of friends), and then by girls I would ask out. I guess I have always viewed sexual encounters as the ultimate form of acceptance by a person and affirmation that you are ok as a person, as well as attractive. I have never met a girl/woman who said they wanted to sleep with an unattractive person. Therefore I wasn't getting much approval or acceptance from people once I did get to high school and college, the bullying had stopped by that time.

I was talking a walk this afternoon and realized that due to some of those early things, I will probably always feel rejected regardless of what is happening in my life. That sounds sad, but at least that insight helps me to realize that those feelings aren't accurate, and maybe try to challenge them. Who knows, maybe therapy will eventually help me overcome those feelings.

A couple of therapists I have been seeing say that when you look at all of the negative factors in my life: Adoption issues, having Asperger's, being sexually abused, being bullied, being an alcoholic and drug addict, they are amazed that I am functioning at the level I am and have the kind of life I do. I guess that is hard to realize sometimes. It is hard to think of where you should be or how bad life could be, because that is hypothetical. It is easier to look at what others have and you don't I guess.

I just learned that one of my good friends who I always looked up to because of his skills with women has died, probably a suicide.

...I have probably never felt ~ Or , at the very most , only the very slightest hint of ~ romantic/sexual love EVER : .

I'm married now.

I'm just talking about quality over quantity when it comes to love.

I'm glad John didn't have to experience the negative aspects of "quantity."

I believe, even amid his alcoholism, that he knew that he had to be smart in order to attain what he attained. Had he mAny lovers, he would not achieved what he has achieved.

I can say that if I had met someone who wanted to get married near the end of my undergraduate days, I almost certainly would have sacrificed graduate school for that. Or if I had met someone during my early days of grad school I would have left after my Master's degree. I saw that happen to one of my friends.

During my drinking and drugging days, it was probably all I could do to get through school in that condition. Having a relationship at the same time might have been too much and led to my dropping out. I would like to think that it would have led to me getting sober earlier, but I doubt very much that it would have, as I can see that I sacrificed a couple of romantic possibilities for alcohol and drugs.

You often hear a fairly trite saying "the journey is more important than the destination". I probably am an example of the opposite-where I am today is probably much more important than how I got here.

but at least you got to have that experience, which a lot of us could not achieve. some of us will never have the GF experience no matter what we do or don't do.

I guess there's a certain peace for me in knowing it's too late for many things. People will say, "it's never too late," but I like it being too late. No more self-torture over what I'm supposed to have and do and no worring about trying to catch up. Sometimes, hope is an instrument of torture. I think most will reject this view as "not the American way," but I don't care about that. No relationships, love, sex, friends (save one, but is long gone, now). No history. Not close to my parents, either. Most of my memories are contaminated with depression, though, so I rarely re-visit them. The best thing about the past is that it's over, so why remember it? Maybe that's why it doesn't bother me too much. Every day is about right now and that feels pretty good.

I worked my a** off when I was young. Nearly flunked out of high school due to depression, went to a JC that coincidentally was a feeder for a fancy university and then went there and graduated. Never imagined that was going to happen. The stress was ruinous and I lost of abilities, though, even somewhat the generalized ability to learn which is mostly what I do all day. But I don't mind my smaller projects (trying to build and program a 'drone' from scratch is the next one).

So, I'm OK in my little world, as long as people don't intrude with their questions and judgements... They should pry and not judge, or not pry at all, but they can't help themselves it seems. They want a normal history and empathy seems a myth across experience gaps that are too big.

I don't believe in judgements, either.

I wish I had some of your intellectual acumen, AuntBlabby. I also wish you weren't in pain. I don't think YOU is the problem in your case. I believe your relative isolation might be the cause of your "lack of success." If you would live in a more populated area, I'm sure you would achieve more success socially--for you have lots to say. There are lots of "weird" people around. You just have to have the luck to run into them!

I guess we all wish for what we don't have. I have found, however, that at times, when we do "attain" something, that we wish we've never even made the search. Yes, sometimes it feels that anticlimatic.

Yep, John. A classic case of the "ends justifies the means."

You've attained a pretty consummate "end." Perhaps, in some paradoxical way, your drinking and drugging probably taught you the survival mechanisms required to attain your "end"--which is very difficult to attain.

I bet you'd make a fine AA sponsor, should you feel the desire. You don't possess the "moralism" of some of them. You have a healthy attitude towards addiction. That it's not a "moral failing," per se. It's a product, instead, of loneliness and of the need to conform.

The older I get the less I worry about what I missed on as far as relationships. However, I do look back and wished I had seized more opportunities. I feel like ill peak later (as far as finding myself) than my peers. That kinda hurts me.

I did miss out on quite a few things - never got married, never had kids, never had a house, currently homeless and jobless - but I don't feel so bad. I just got turned down for SSI/SSDI but I still have to admit my life isn't that bad. At least no one is cutting off my head and showing that picture on the internet.

I've certainly had quantity lol and some quality (oh, memories.. ) but at this stage of life I'd rather meet someone I actually clicked with for a proper relationship. All in due time, I suppose. It's the very classic "we all want what we can't have" sort of thing. I can get laid with such ridiculous ease almost any day or night of the week that I'd rather do other things like kiteboard, or read, or hangout with my friends or God kids etc. I'll meet someone I click with eventually, and then life will change again. I mean, I've met many who would like to have a relationship with me, but not that I'd like to be with as I prefer solitude vs. codependence and having a relationship simply for the sake of having a relationship. All in due time I'll find Quality/quantity, eventually. I'm only 32, I have plenty of time to meet the right person. *shrug* at least the quantity over the years has made me quite good at.. some things.

thank you KK for your confidence in the acuity of my noodle I often feel dumber than the average box of rocks. the isolation bit seems to be one of those "is it the chicken or the egg" things, in that I have been around lots of people at work and of whom barely a handful I was even on speaking terms with. IOW I am isolated because there seems no common frame of reference or compatibility with anybody out there IRL [outside of WP]. I am isolated even in the middle of a crowd. people don't want to talk to me or for me to talk to them. it has been that way all my life. WP is a life-saver for me because it was the first place where I could be me and welcomed. it gives me a good taste of what I have not had for the first 5 decades of my life. better late than never.

This.

So what is your secret? Are you extremely physically attractive? It seems that many Aspies can't even make friends, or for those of us who do, our dating lives are usually pathetic. How are you able to pull this off when so many others can't?

he has a quick social intelligence.

Why do you think that?