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NTs don't take our disorder seriously

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LyraLuthTinu
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31 Jul 2015, 4:29 pm

Britte wrote:
ToughDiamond wrote:
I've read a number of posts by ASDers saying that their problem isn't not knowing what other people's feelings are, it's actually coping with the impact of people's negative feelings, which they sense perfectly well. So I wonder if the main problem is that we actually can sense the feelings of others, but we don't know how to respond appropriately?


This describes what I experience very well. I am highly empathic, to the point where I can feel another's pain, sadness, etc., deeply, however, I am unable to figure out just how to respond. I will either not respond, or I will respond and say or do something that the other person will find unhelpful, bothersome or inappropriate. I have a friend at work, who's father is very sick and only has a few more days to live. I feel extremely sad for her and I feel as though her sadness just projects directly into my heart, but, when I try to think of a way to comfort her, all I do is tell her "I am here for you", despite feeling that I want to take her pain away from her. I believe this is why I become so uncomfortable at funerals. I don't normally cry, as it isn't how I react at funerals, and the worst is when you're faced with speaking with others, before or after the service. I am quite sure I come across as a cold fish, even though I feel deep sadness for the family members (and others) in attendance. It's hard to explain, precisely how it is for me. I try not to have to attend funerals, for this reason. It is unbearably uncomfortable for me.



AND, because SOME NT's don't get it or take ASD seriously, their response to that would be that you're making other people's funerals "all about you," as opposed to avoiding them because the way you react tends to make them uncomfortable.

Right? :roll:


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Cockroach96
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31 Jul 2015, 4:46 pm

Being born an aspie is like being given a rifle with only blank rounds to assassinate someone. At first you think you're the worst sniper in the world, then you realize you aren't making holes. You inevitably fail to accomplish your goal. For that, your superior berates you and your colleagues bully you. You explain the problem, but nobody listens.
For NTs, there are only two types of people: normal people and full-blown lunatics. If I tell someone that I'm autistic, they answer "But if you're autistic, you can't know it!". Facepalm.


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ToughDiamond
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31 Jul 2015, 5:17 pm

LyraLuthTinu wrote:
Britte wrote:
ToughDiamond wrote:
I've read a number of posts by ASDers saying that their problem isn't not knowing what other people's feelings are, it's actually coping with the impact of people's negative feelings, which they sense perfectly well. So I wonder if the main problem is that we actually can sense the feelings of others, but we don't know how to respond appropriately?


This describes what I experience very well. I am highly empathic, to the point where I can feel another's pain, sadness, etc., deeply, however, I am unable to figure out just how to respond. I will either not respond, or I will respond and say or do something that the other person will find unhelpful, bothersome or inappropriate. I have a friend at work, who's father is very sick and only has a few more days to live. I feel extremely sad for her and I feel as though her sadness just projects directly into my heart, but, when I try to think of a way to comfort her, all I do is tell her "I am here for you", despite feeling that I want to take her pain away from her. I believe this is why I become so uncomfortable at funerals. I don't normally cry, as it isn't how I react at funerals, and the worst is when you're faced with speaking with others, before or after the service. I am quite sure I come across as a cold fish, even though I feel deep sadness for the family members (and others) in attendance. It's hard to explain, precisely how it is for me. I try not to have to attend funerals, for this reason. It is unbearably uncomfortable for me.



AND, because SOME NT's don't get it or take ASD seriously, their response to that would be that you're making other people's funerals "all about you," as opposed to avoiding them because the way you react tends to make them uncomfortable.

Right? :roll:

Very probably. We have to spell out how we're actually protecting them as much as ourselves. I once got out of a pressured request to play football (about which I know nothing) by saying "I'm so crap at football that you'd never forgive me if I did." Unfortunately the technique doesn't transfer all that well to funerals, though the effect of attending them might well be the same. Maybe somebody should make an educational video for them, with examples of Aspies causing acute embarrassment and offense at social events.



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01 Aug 2015, 11:13 am

Not all NTs even know how to act appropriately to other people's emotions. I know my boyfriend doesn't. It doesn't make him a bad, coldhearted person though. He's feels and shows empathy in his own way. But I have cried when on the phone to him once (about some family issue I was telling him, nothing to do with our relationship) and I could tell he felt really awkward and didn't quite know what to say. He was just like, ''oh....it's OK....stop crying....stop crying....'' He didn't say it in an impatient tone or anything, but it wasn't a soothing tone either. It was just like a, ''this is awkward, please stop crying because this awkward situation gets any longer than I can handle'' tone of voice, if you know what I mean. Then when I next saw him he even admitted himself that he's not always sure what to do when somebody is crying.


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ToughDiamond
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01 Aug 2015, 1:54 pm

Yes I think it's a very misleading myth that all NTs are social geniuses.



LyraLuthTinu
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03 Aug 2015, 4:06 pm

Joe90 wrote:
Not all NTs even know how to act appropriately to other people's emotions. I know my boyfriend doesn't. It doesn't make him a bad, coldhearted person though. He's feels and shows empathy in his own way. But I have cried when on the phone to him once (about some family issue I was telling him, nothing to do with our relationship) and I could tell he felt really awkward and didn't quite know what to say. He was just like, ''oh....it's OK....stop crying....stop crying....'' He didn't say it in an impatient tone or anything, but it wasn't a soothing tone either. It was just like a, ''this is awkward, please stop crying because this awkward situation gets any longer than I can handle'' tone of voice, if you know what I mean. Then when I next saw him he even admitted himself that he's not always sure what to do when somebody is crying.



Yes, a familiar story.

This may have a lot to do with the "be a man/ man up" macho social conditioning of so-called masculinity, wherein boys are basically taught that the only acceptable negative emotion in males is anger. Fear is weak, sorrow is girly, crying is for sissies and so on. But guys are allowed to be angry and still seem tuff.

Consequentially, they rarely learn appropriate and helpful responses to sadness and anxiety in females.

Happily there are exceptions to this generality!


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18 Aug 2015, 7:24 pm

This is just a theory, but i think NT's are just jealous because us aspies our different then them, and they wish they could be like us. Remember, this is just a theory


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18 Aug 2015, 7:48 pm

The people you listed are only suspected to have Asperger's. Most of them are dead and you can't diagnosed dead people.

I think they take autism seriously, but they don't really understand what Asperger's is. I hate when neurotypicals say that type of stuff, but they don't mention my Asperger's because I really don't feel like telling anyone I am autistic, I just don't feel like sharing.


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18 Aug 2015, 7:53 pm

Cockroach96 wrote:
For NTs, there are only two types of people: normal people and full-blown lunatics. If I tell someone that I'm autistic, they answer "But if you're autistic, you can't know it!". Facepalm.


Haha. That is a sign that these NTs you are talking to need to educate themselves.

I hate how people always associate autism with mental retardation, it is sickening.


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18 Aug 2015, 9:55 pm

Joe90 wrote:
I thought NTs were supposed to have empathy and be able to put themselves in other people's shoes and understand how they feel?

:roll:

The statements about empathising are nearly always about empathising with NTs. That is, NTs empathising with NTs, and aspies empathising with NTs.

NTs are good at empathising with other NTs, because their experience of the world is similar (and that is required for empathy). Aspies are good at empathising with other aspies for the same reason. But that doesn't get talked about. Aspies are said to be bad at empathising because they are talking about empathising with NTs, which of course is going to be difficult, as it is difficult for NTs to empathise with us.

And I just want to say empathising one more time because I don't think I said it enough ;)



olympiadis
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18 Aug 2015, 10:48 pm

Rudin wrote:
The people you listed are only suspected to have Asperger's. Most of them are dead and you can't diagnosed dead people.




Death is a diagnosis.



Rudin
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19 Aug 2015, 6:54 am

olympiadis wrote:
Rudin wrote:
The people you listed are only suspected to have Asperger's. Most of them are dead and you can't diagnosed dead people.




Death is a diagnosis.


Good point, albeit obtuse.

I meant ASD.


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