Should I involve my as bf in my social life?

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How can you possibly be happy in a relationship like that? Get out while you can since you aren't married to the guy. You and the kids deserve better. I can see its only going to get worse - I've lived it.

May be anxiety. I have anxiety and attacks related to a traumatic event but when it comes on I just shut down. He on the other hand reacts inappropriately I guess there are different types of anxiety and different reactions to it. I know he gets very anxious at times. Usually when he is excited or worried about something directly related to himself. Something to look into.

I believe you are right. I have made more changes to accommodate him than I probably should but they are not recognized or appreciated just expected and there is always something more.

Yes, but for all that, there's still going to be a few blunt comments from the unreconstructed wing of the autistic membership, don't you think?

I wish it were so easy to just walk away but I am not like that. We also have a home together and I can't put my family through a drastic transition. I see that it is unhealthy but try to be positive and make light of his aspergers and minimize the negatives and effects. My ex husband has NPD. I didn't know until after marriage. That was a very hurtful relationship. Now once again I am involved with a man with very similar behavior. He was very different in the first couple of years, really tried to cover it up. Had I known that I was getting into the same situation I would have run. But lives intertwined and not wanting another failed relationship I just keep trying, hoping. I still believe it is possible to make it work and have a lot of patience. I just don't want to lose myself. The reality of it I know is pretty dire.

I appreciate all views and comments. Just opinions that each is entitled to. If they are not pertinent to my situation then it's no matter. If I am one to be offended then I shouldn't put posts on a public forum.

The situation is obviously difficult. The understanding and support is great here. It is nice to not feel alone in things. I would love some motivation and encouragement. It seems like I am hearing a lot of the negatives of being with him (I know I am really only saying negative things myself). I know the down side because I am living it but is there a bright side? Is there a possible success? I would enjoy if anyone has an opinion on the positive for me. All of the information is great though so I'm not saying I don't want to hear the honest opinions good or bad.

I think that he needs to recognise that his behaviour is not acceptable. Until you both find a way to manage that it's not going to change.

I can identify with some of his actions, from when I was much younger and before I had even heard of AS. It caused a lot of trouble for myself and the people that I knew then. I'm AS in a LTR with an unconventional woman, we both make allowances for each other, each do our own things and it has been hard work to get to this point. I'm asocial and prefer to limit the amount of times I have to see other people, she goes out much more often, something which I encourage.

Even though he is AS it does not give him a licence to behave in this way, you need to find a more balanced way if you are going to be happy together

Hacking into your accounts and his other behavior is an inappropriate expression of vulnerability. Unfortunately the only time he will recognize this, if ever, is upon reflection after you leave him. It occurs when the action fails to achieve the desired result. Right now he has you and the relationship is successful so his actions are 100% successful; they have safeguarded the relationship and thus do not need to be changed. Obviously this is not your perspective but it is a ‘possibility’ for his. No one is going to change their actions so long as they are still achieving the desired objective.

I’m not socially experienced enough to give advice on this but I believe the best response is to be a safe person for him to be around and welcome his feelings of vulnerability but firmly reject their expression and try to re-direct them into healthier expressive actions. Every week you do 3 things to work on. Perhaps put this down as one of them. I’m pretty sure you are going to be the best judge when he’s feeling vulnerable so you’d have to initiate and try to re-direct. Try to make him feel safe using a different way than the level of control he is currently using to manage the emotion. A common one I’ve read of in books is a long silent hug but this is variable whether it would be effective or not. You’d have to explore other methods of emotional management. Therapy is also always a suggestion as a source to gain further aid and guidance from.

If he learns how to manage his feelings of vulnerability in a more positive way you should be able to enjoy more time away from each other. Although you may still need to establish the difference of relationships so he understands what you’re doing and why. Try to be more mechanical in your explanation rather than emotional or irrational. You don’t need relationships like you need air to breathe; a good test for this to see if your explanation is rational is to just try t out. Go in a room and be alone for 10 minutes and see if you die then try the same thing without breathing. I guarantee they are nothing alike. Whatever reason you need to interact with other people it’s not for that.

And yes of course there’s a possibility for success. And there is a bright side you are very adamant there are positive qualities to the relationship. The one I note is that autistics can be the most loyal and devoted people in the world.

Well, whatever's happening, it's clearly not the end of the world. You've stuck together this long, and any aggressive behaviour has mostly been confined to words, which seems good, considering the pressure you've both been under. As you say, you've not mentioned any details about the positive side of the relationship, so maybe if you do that, it would be an encouraging thing.



OK, it's clear then that he does actively obstruct your social life, mostly by being openly resentful and hurtful about it with words, though deleting your friend's contact details or sending them hostile messages is more than that. I don't like the sound of that at all, but at least most of it is fairly petty stuff - e.g. when you restore the contact details he's erased, he just gets mad, he doesn't escalate things by smashing your phone or whatever. I get the impression that in a way you're rather on top of the situation. I sense that his behaviour is more like that of a raging, frustrated (but ultimately powerless) child, than a truly dangerous adult. Though I'm only going on what you've told us so far.

With the job thing, I have a little more sympathy with his point of view. It can be rather hard to get into a relationship and then find out that your partner is having a lot to do with somebody that they once had a fling with. If he found out for himself rather than you telling him before he got involved with you, I think that would very likely have undermined his trust in you, not that I'm accusing you of deliberately doing a bait-and-switch. It's also rather like the question of whether or not a couple should hang out with ex-partners. A counsellor recently told me that in her experience, it's not unknown for an ex to remain friends without it causing trouble, but that in most cases it does become a problem. Of course it becomes very difficult when a job is at stake, but it seems your partner didn't sign up for such a complication, and I wonder whether he's been reassured that his reaction was fairly justified, although I imagine he went about it rather insensitively. It's not bound to work, but I think a seemingly jealous / possessive person is more likely to come to the negotiating table if it's acknowledged that it's not all their fault, and that they do have some rights.

I guess I don't know how to explain it to him. He will never be a social butterfly and I can't change that and wouldn't try, I love him just the way he is. I am an extrovert and can have hours long conversations with friends or even strangers and I don't want to change or be made to feel bad about it. He fulfills most all of my relationship needs but does not like to talk, I get very few words from him and can tell it is hard for him. In order to get this need I have to have friends and social interaction. I would do, pay or give up most anything to just have a long meaningful, interesting, heartfelt, conversation with him. I want to know what is going on in his head, how he feels about things good and bad. Just for a day or even an hour. But I know it will not happen. I am ok with that as long as I have other outlets.

I agree you shouldn’t have to change for him. And while you say having a meaningful conversation with him is impossible I do wonder if perhaps you’re wrong. Many things can be taught to people perhaps it won’t be in your way but there are other ways to adapt. There are other forms of communication than verbal that you can try for developing more in depth conversation skills. Written for example. I know I can’t do in depth verbal conversation my processing speed isn’t fast enough but written I can do much better.

I want to point out one thing to you that you said. You said you tell him that you choose to be with him and have no desire for another. And you believe that he ‘thinks’ he should be enough for you. Do you not realize the contradiction? You say you choose him and have no desire for another but in reality you greatly desire others and are consistently seeking them out. Perhaps it is not intended but you’re lying. This is why you need to be very clear about what you’re choosing, desiring. Establish clear bounds for the relationship, rules, definition. Bounds such as you are my ‘romantic partner’ who I live with and we will do ‘this(whatever list of things you’ll do together which compose the bounds of the relationship. The bounds of interaction and shared activity and which contain what could happen, about the duration, the expectations. Establish rules which create predictability such as this relationship will continue until (set of circumstances) is met).’ And for someone else this girl is my ‘social friend’ we will do ‘this(whatever list of things you’ll do together) and again the duration, expectations, bounds which contain interactions.’ If you don’t establish clear bounds like that it’s impossible to understand what’s going on and as a result to feel safe.

Everyone on the spectrum is different some understand relationships and don’t need explanation but there are also people who need every last detail explained like me, details that you would take for granted without even knowing it. Obviously I don’t know if he’s like that it is only a possibility.

I can understand your feelings related to wanting to "stay the course" with him.

But the guy has to stop hacking into your accounts--pronto! There's no room for this stuff in any relationship. This goes beyond "creepy"--it enters in 1984 territory. It enters into Totalitarian territory.

And he has to stop being so insecure!

I wish you could "force yourself upon him," so to speak, to convey the fact of your stalwartness. I doubt it if it would work, though, and a litiginous sort might even seek to use it to your disadvantage.