what kind of unpredictability scares you the most?

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The future. Not knowing what is going to happen.

Specifically, the fear of wasting my life and not making progress. Of stagnating to a point of mediocrity. Becoming a disappointment to myself. Having no direction with where I want to go. Living a dull life. The thought of my older self reflecting with regret over the decisions I currently make.

My ambitious side can be both useful and yet simultaneously destructive. I hate not having a goal. Admittedly, I tend to either hold myself to overly high standards or I go through phases of apathy where I seem to care about nothing.

I think that it is harder to see progress from the inside looking out. We don't realise how much we change, because in our internal world the growth seems a lot more gradual, compared to how others view the development. I sometimes feel like an impostor.

I hate when my routine changes. I have to do certain things in order to feel comfortable. I don't like staying home from school because of this. School is a major part of my routine. I am also really scared to graduate in 3 years. That's going to really cause me to feel a bit upset. I also dislike the unpredictability of social situations sometimes. I don't like not knowing how many people are going to be somewhere. I have good friends that understand that though. I hate surprises to be honest. I have to know about things for weeks in advance. Unexpected change makes me feel extremely anxious to the point of meltdowns and shutdowns. Sometimes my parents don't take me to events if they are too short notice. They get to use respite for that. I sort of like respite.

People. People are unpredictable. What are a person's true desires, intentions, motivations, thoughts, plans, aspirations, designs, feelings, loyalties, fears and on and on and on...that unpredictability has always been unsettling to me.