How Aspies must look

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I might be overly conscious nowadays of how I appear. In the past I never thought about it, and my wide-eyed big smile could freak people out. Like "woah, lower your energy, ok?"

. So eye contact is sometimes difficult, trying to appear interested but not hyper, and generally try to keep cool. I seem to always be thinking "ok keep contact. Ok, look away. Ok look interested but not crazy. Ok smile but not too much"

. Seems neurotic? Probably makes me look like I'm up to something. Usually I'm not. Feeling more relaxed about it nowadays, although I seem to laugh at everything!

. When I see photos of me looking really happy it freaks me out. Because I'm bald, I grow a beard, always wear a hat or beanie, and yes, stay calm.

. One day I will get it right *rolls eyes*

.

Oh God, my mother was like this too!
And then she would be confused about WHY I WAS confused, and then she would get angry and we would just both be very irritated and confused. But she would always INSIST that I was being "a b***h" and "an ungrateful brat" for:
Talking back, not looking at her, staring "confrontationally" whatever she made up. So, I always try to walk on eggshells around her- it's a continual colossal struggle.

So, I just try the perpetual grinning dolphin route.
They say dolphins always look happy like they are always smiling (even if they aren't but just because of their anatomy/faces) and so people think they are these jovial creatures when they really just don't understand them!

So, I do as the dolphins- I just smile A LOT (but not too wide- because OH NO! don't smile weirdly now!!) and hope it goes over well.

Since I was little, people have been commenting on my "death stare". Funny to see so many others have that same thing said to them.

I've gotten in trouble before for staring, but really I'm just zoning out in someone's general direction. My mom taught me to use a magazine as a buffer/shield/prop when in waiting rooms or hair salons or airports, whatever and peek over the top if I want to people-watch.

I'm far more likely to be zoning out and staring off into space than staring at any given time but I'm not sure if people can tell the difference.

I also have been accused of being angry or moody or b*tchy when I was just being neutral many times. Sometimes people will say "alright, calm down" when I"m just talking to them - no idea what that's about.

I have an extremely intense stare, but unless I'm looking at myself in the mirror, I never notice it. Even when it seems like I'm staring into someone's soul, I'm actually off in my own little world or thinking about something important to me.

When people tell me to smile