What do you think it means if your therapist says he's not

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When the captcha thing gets bad I paste and it takes me to the screen to enter the captcha and I do and then I get a blank screen over and over and after 5-10 tries I'm just so frustrated. This used to happen a lot, then things were good for a bit, so it was disappointing to keep trying to paste and never get anywhere....

Oh golly! That's a bummer. Maybe a different browser would help. I'm using Chrome.

I do web support of an eCommerce site and half the time I start out by suggesting they try a different browser. Not because that's a sophisticated solution but because our development team can never keep up with all the browsers and versions of browsers out there.

Waterfalls, I think you are pretty on target here. I only see him once a month and my insurance is not paying and for it and never has. I actually don't even have insurance right now.

I don't think that it would really bother me that much if I stopped seeing him. I am not attached to him. I am just tired of being abandoned and did not want another abandonment notch on my belt. It's more the concept I am tired of going through rather than the specific person. Like Startrekker said, I am attached to the consistency and the presence of being in that safe place every month and I do like it with him but I am not attached to him in the sense that if I stop seeing him I am going to fall apart and cease to function. I have only been seeing him an hour a month for a year. It has not been that long.

And it is very likely that I do overwhelm him. I do suffer from that classic Aspie super intense trait and my intensity can blow anyone out of the water. And I do tend to get extremely deep and profound and I have no problems being upfront about challenging his way of viewing us. And he has expressed his desire and need to learn from me on many occasions so that he can help his other patients. That is actually how our sessions started. He wanted to learn from me and I said that in order to do so he would have to take me on as a patient. But I can see how he has to justify what he is supposed to be doing so if he feels he is not equipped to do it and would rather not than we can end it. But I am not going to see someone else. I don't need to be shuffled around from therapist to therapist just so that they can try to treat me. I have lived most of my life without them and I don't need to continue seeing them. The handful of therapists I have seen on and off throughout my life have never actually helped me with anything. I like him because he wanted to learn and because he gave me a nice environment where I could hash out my solutions and strategies. And it was nice just having the reassurance of someone there with whom I could speak with no limitations on what I wanted to talk about. But that's the extent of it. I consider him a friend because I do. Whether or not he considers me one is irrelevant and has no bearing on anything. He can be as professional as he needs and that is fine. I don't want to date the guy, I just like talking to him.

What happened in his office the other day is something that is part of my normal life. If it freaked him out, that is something he will have to work through within himself. I can help him with that if he wants but it's not me that has the problem that needs to be corrected. He needs to grow in his understanding of people and realize that we don't all function the same way. If he can't or does not want to do that I can't help him. And by the way I chose a tight corner right next to his stereo which was playing wonderful Celtic soft music which I love. The corner was super tight so the pressure felt great. A weighted blanket would have been amazing. And there was no violence or headbanging or screaming or yelling or meltdown, just a release of tears and talking in a very young way. A release of feelings of fear over some specific things that had happened the week before that were scary, but nothing more than that. He could not understand all the words and my inability to speak and my desire to feel all the textures of all the marble balls and beads in his office may have freaked him out a little but but I don't think that it did because he encouraged me to touch everything and see how it felt.

I think he just freaked out over seeing me go into very young child mode and have a release there. But if he feels that that is something that needs to be addressed and dealt with and something that needs to be gotten rid of in my character, than I don't think I will be willing to keep seeing him anyway. Even if I could "get rid" of child mode, I really don't want to. I don't think it will make me a better person in any way. If anything, it would just make me much more exhausted all the time to constantly be functioning in adult mode and I would probably just become very hardened and calloused and just be in auto pilot all the time and stop caring about anything. It would be so exhausting that I would end up just living my life going through the motions. It would not be the first time that people have tried to get rid of my child mode. All it does is make me an empty shell with no life. And child mode never really ever goes away, it just hides deep where no one can see it.

But I get it that he can't understand this and that he thinks it might be bad and needing to be gotten rid of. If that's the case, I'll just get rid of him. I do love working with him and hate the thought of losing him but I am not going back into robot mode.

I kind of think that how I feel about the issue does not matter. i think that it just is what it is. If he wants to stop working with me than he should stop but I will no longer teach him. But I don't think he has the right to pass me off. It is my right to refuse to see someone else and I will execute that right. Mainly because I am not going to pay for it. He gave me a great deal and unless someone else wants to give me a similar deal, I don't have the money. And I am certainly not going to see someone who is going to keep me at arm's length. I have friends who can give me intellectual advice. I don't need to pay for that.

If you want to work with me than you are going to have to get your hands dirty. If you don't want to do that than don't expect me to come for treatment. People were not there for me the whole time I was growing up. I cried out for help and therapy my whole life growing up. No one wanted to treat me or help me then and now people want to complain about how I developed. Go figure.

I have a suggestion and I don't think you will like it, but don't answer right away.

You were very surprised and dismayed that when your child side came out, he said he felt he was not equipped to deal with you. Now, you are telling us that you can drop him in a minute and you have done such a thing many times before when your hopes were not realized and you felt abandoned. But I just went back and read your first one or two posts in this entire thread, and it sounds like you have benefited by working with him and don't want to leave him.

I suggest that you schedule one more session with him to work through your feelings about terminating therapy. Instead of just never going back, go through the awkwardness of telling him how it felt when he said he was not equipped, and talk a little about this abandonment thing. Then, you two can wrap it up.

Often the termination of therapy is quite significant and you would be missing an opportunity if you did not talk about what happened. I have the feeling you have never told any of the people who abandoned you that you felt that they abandoned you, and how devastating that has felt. So this would be a new thing for you and I think you might grow by talking about it.

I wish you all the luck.