"You can't be autistic, you can speak/write/have a job"

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EzraS wrote: "I will be perfectly honest. Sometimes when I read about someone in their 40's/50's with a spouse, kids, long time career whatever etc, who just suddenly got diagnosed autistic, I find it a bit baffling and I can't help but feel somewhat skeptical sometimes"

untilwereturn asked: "And why is that? I was diagnosed at age 43 after a lifelong struggle with not fitting in. When I was a kid, there was no Asperger's diagnosis available to clinicians, and autism was believed to be a rare condition that was so severe that very few kids would have fit the diagnostic criteria. I was socially impaired just enough to fly under the radar, but that doesn't mean I didn't struggle mightily throughout childhood and adolescence.

I've had decades to learn coping skills, and I can pass as normal most of the time with a sufficient expenditure of mental energy. But that doesn't mean I "grew out of" being ASD. Nobody does. We just learn to survive in the absence of support that younger generations enjoy today.

I suspected I was on the spectrum as much as a decade before I was diagnosed, but since I had to pay for my diagnosis (I'm in the US, where adults don't get free screening), it was some time before I could afford to pay out of pocket.

There are many reasons why adults don't get diagnosed later in life. That doesn't make our pain and struggles any less real than yours."

Ezra replied: "About a year ago I read an article written by a man who had been diagnosed when he was 45. And he knew people would probably disbelieve him. So what he did before telling someone he had autism, was to tell them first how when he was 7 he was put through elaborate tests like EEG's and brain imaging. And then placed in special education the rest of his childhood. When given that background history first, people didn't have much trouble believing he had high functioning autism.

But a lot of times I read less clinical and more anecdotal histories. "I never felt like I fit in and got picked on". Then there are all those saying that their autism is not a disability. That they would not want a cure because of all the special abilities their autism gives them.

And I am reading these kinds of things and going HUH?

Then their are all those who ask this forum if they should get diagnosed and are told there would not much point or use in it.

Those are some of the things I sometimes find myself struggling with."

But this thread is about the problem of people having trouble believing.

When I firest read Tawaki's post about the snow, I thought you weren't being direct. I didn't grasp that there was any non-verbal communication going on as others seem to suggest.

I like to think I'm OK as can be with non-verbal communication. If someone nods at me and at something else, they may be signalling for me to interact with something - eg nod at me then the light switch, they may want me to turn the lights on or off.

As far as I know, this sort of reaction is normal. I might need clarification if it's ambiguous, but I can work out the intention mostly.

Having said that, I know my sister has complained at times that my facial expressions don't match what I'm saying. I know I exaggerate my expressions and incorporated a lot from TV Shows. This was surprising to me though.

I remember also a time doing some work for someone and I didn't get in touch to tell them how I was getting on. They got angry with me thinking it was my responsibility. I put the blame on them saying I'm not a mind reader, if they wanted to know something, they should have asked.

Reading the stories here, was I wrong?

I am the kind of person who will ask a client what they need because I know that's expected, but I've had problems at work because I haven't been intuitive in helping. It doesn't come naturally. I don't know why. There's this whole bit of two way communication and I've felt that I've been given responsibility for not telling someone something, and given responsibility for not asking someone to tell me something. How can I be responsible for both? One or the other, but not both. I'm responsible for me, not you. I hate people interfering when I never asked for help. So if you want help, its up to you to ask me?

But this is NT thinking right? Not ASD?

The doll test, I understand the point they're getting to, but my first reaction is wrong too. However the other theory of mind tests seem to be OK.

Why don't people believe?

Well as someone who is now only just looking at ASD, let me say, from an outsiders perspective, I haven't a clue what it is.

I hear of Autism, Aspergers, HFA, PDD everything. There are online tests, doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists and opinions come and go. There are rules in the DSM and ICD I think its called, but how the interpretation of symptoms is the problem. There are no medical tests as far I know. There are traits, and spectrums, classic autism, low function, high function, mild, severe.

I don't know what autism is. I still don't. It's easy to see the external things in pictures and videos. It's harder to see what's inside, and all any of us have is anecdotal evidence.

I don't know what's normal, and I hazard a guess that no one else knows what's normal. What each of us, austistic is not, knows as normal, is just an understanding of the world through our own particular filters and senses. What is normal for me, is not necessarily normal for you, and not necessarily social normality.

I don't live in anybody elses head so I don't know how people with autism think, and I don't know how NT people think. I know when I compare myself to others, there are a few things that don't seem right. But because all I know is me, I accept that as normal. I have no point of reference.

And when NT people I guess look at Autistic people who have no outward signs, they can't begin to comprehend what might be going on inside because they live in their head where everythings fine and they don't know any different.

Well said untilwereturn, my story is similar, including many many years of long awakening and considering seeking evaluation ultimately. I was born in 1961.

I'm also baffled at how members of this site see these explanations from older diagnosed all the time, yet still remain baffled at how any generation missed diagnosis (even though there just wasn't one) and skeptical at ours being valid (which is a hard blow because as you say we already get such crap from the outside world/NT world).

Some of the stuff that's being revealed on this thread.......I feel more than ever like NT's are a different species from me and that I've failed to "get" anything an NT has probably ever said to me....ever....

The "snow" thing is beginning to really shock me. Why shouldn't more directness in communications and requests be okay? It's not like we're deliberately being obtuse -- speaking for myself I genuinely miss all these cues and I'm only aware of the seriousness of the mistake when an NT just totally blows up at me and hates me for something I didn't even know I was doing wrong. I too quite literally forget, in fact, to ASK someone if they need anything, and it's not because I don't care, it's because -- I don't even KNOW why I forget. Maybe it's because there's already a thousand things going on in my head already, what with trying to manage my sensory sh!t and other anxieties. But it's not that I don't care or don't try when I'm able.

I seriously can't believe that NTs truly live their lives thinking someone needing more directness in requests from others is a "giant fck you"....

I can speak, I hold a job, and I am autistic. I scorred a 43 on the AQ test and 221 on the RAAD-S. But I want diagnosed till I was almost 41. I learned to hide it quite well. What most others do not see are the meltdowns and shutdowns that happen, used to be almost daily, once I got home from work. So, in my opinion, its the uninformed Dr/Therapist that discounts adult autism if you can talk or hold a job. Dodger

I apologize for my language, but it is.

I'm going to say what I think from now on within reason. Though I'm still a supportive Sweet Pea, my mouth is not a bakery.