The double-edged sword of a late diagnosis

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I got it a lot just because I was there or because I said something and people did not understand what I was saying and took it all out of context. Sometimes I wold literally get punched out in the belly just because I was standing. I remember the feeling of being doubled over not being able to breathe. I was made to drink urine as well for no reason by the same bully. I was also kicked in the throat, knocked to the ground and stepped on in my private area. I was also verbally attacked all the time. I was even bullied by some adults sometimes. Of course none of these people actually knew I was Autistic at the time but I guess my demeanor made me more vulnerable and that was most likely because of my Autism. The people bullying me never had any consequences but if I got upset and reacted or if I had a meltdown I got punished. I was even sexually molested and rather than believing me and helping, the person I told immediately tried to protect the bully.

...I was DXd at 40something ...........

I am sorry to hear that. I was kidnapped and molested by strangers at age 6 because my mom let me walk to the park by myself, and was raped by my dad for 7 years. I think that bullies and sexual predators use similar criteria for targeting their victims: victims are alone, unprotected, and can be frightened into silence. Unsurprisingly, disabled children are more likely to be victims of bullying and sexual predators. Our difficulty in telling friend from foe makes it even more likely.

It's made my late diagnosis more complicated when dealing with my family. Dad died 20 years ago, but I think my mom and brother struggle to address how they downplayed the bullying, missed the sexual abuse, and missed the fact that I had some sort of mental and emotional problem that needed support. Most of the time, if I bring up Dad or autism, they change the subject. I'm hoping this will get better, but I'm not holding out hopes. It makes me feel like I am dealing with this huge revelation without their support.

Oh MY Goodness!! !
Sometimes I wonder about the world- why do people want to pick on the most vulnerable of people?
Isn't there a quote that mentions that- you can tell the moral health of a country by how it judges its poor and vulnerable??
It is exactly for reasons like this that I do NOT think kids are "sweet innocent angels" even if they do learn (really only some of it) from others- they are just naturally horrific beings that we don't take seriously because as adults they are too stupid and weak for us to bother-BUT to other little kids.... it's dog eat dog.

In a similar vein, I remember I didn't understand something a kid said so he (he was younger than me so I was ashamed for not being able to defend myself better) beat me up in front of everyone else and tried to drown me in the pool... at a pool party in front of everyone- I got away because he was much weaker than me, but no one cared- even when I had been doing nothing at all to provoke it!! This same kid would also run up to me in the halls and try and punch and kick me- because people let him get away with it- he would also smack me while I drinking water at the water fountain for example. And the scary part was he was much younger than me and got a lot of pleasure out of bullying me and beating me up!! Older kids too- throw stuff at me- take my food, all that fun s**t.
I was an EXTREMELY easy target, and I cried very easily back then too. Ultimate cry baby as a kid.
Also, never mattered if I told the adults- logic and justice and fairness never ever worked out like it did in the books I used to read .

I still see kids do this every single day- it's like this ingrained cruelty in the human species! I've been around kids- you really have to teach them to be kind, but the aspie kids I'm around they just.... never have that vindictive cruel impulse (partly because they are mostly disinterested in the other kids to an extent- just happy to be stimming really). Although I've only been around moderate/mild kids.

WHOA! That is crazy. I am so sorry you went through that. I can't even imagine the horrors of that. WOW! You are an incredible person to have survived that.

It is so difficult for our parents to get out of denial sometimes and that makes it so incredibly hard. My parents were in denial for a long time, mom in particular. And then there was the attitude of, well, you got through it so you should be ok now. Very invalidating and difficult to have these kinds of things trivialized. Even though it was coupled with an apology, the apology somehow felt very shallow and insincere as if now that I am almost 50, those things should not affect me since I survived them and I should be able to just carry on with my life like nothing every happened. And I don't know if that is my mom's intention, but she is the kind of person who doesn't believe in making excuses for anything and that one should just pick herself up and get on with succeeding in life no matter what.

And I understand that attitude and I do believe that life must go on and that you can't hold yourself back because of the past, but it is very difficult to have the traumas that happened to us be minimized and trivialized and invalidated. There is a place and a time to grieve them and we must be allowed to do so so that we can heal from them but if people refuse to even acknowledge them or acknowledge the effect that they had on us, it makes it that much more difficult to do that. But for whatever it's worth, I hope that you know that I feel for you and I will never trivialize what happened to you and I think that you are incredibly brave and inspirational to be able to share these things and talk about them with us. I admire you for that. It takes great strength and courage. I also hope that being here with us might help you heal as well.

Wow, that is horrible. I am so sorry you went through all that. It is a very cruel world out there. I just wish that the parents were more vigilant and fair. I don't understand how people allow their children to act this way.

I'm sorry so your family was so neglectful!! !
I find that autistic kids (male or female) are very easy targets for predators- they listen to rules too well/are generally quiet/can't or don't communicate problems to others (if they do they are often ignored), and are not protected well enough by others or even around others as much.
The only time that I was molested was by young pre-teen boys/teenage boys when I was that age (we were all the same age), and I hated it, but definitely not that bad... and very different from the abuse a child suffers.

I had a friend I got along with very well as a kid (I realize we got along so well because she had very severe learning disabilities and was developmentally ret*d/poor IQ). She was nice and sporty and VERY pretty. However, unfortunately as soon as she hit about 14 men would lure her in- and she being confused and very scared (and at a much lower mental age) would just come along, and they would rape her and she would tell me about it later on. She wasn't autistic, just a ret*d girl (what is the "nice" way to say ret*d now a days?? delayed/disabled? I don't know). Anyway, I was appalled and told my mom who told her parents- they were so angry and blamed her- even when she understood really nothing that was going on.
I felt though in my heart very sad for her. I also knew that "something" made me vulnerable like her- so I should watch out.
It's amazing how opportunistic people are- so many people.

Also, it sounds like we all had similarly dismissive/non-understanding parents.... hmmmmm. But different circumstances obviously-
however, whenever I talk to other ND or AS people I can't help but be shocked at the consistent thread of abuse/neglect and dismissal/invalidation I hear in the stories.

I'm so sorry your dad was a terrible person- I've heard many stories similar to that- unfortunately.
It's a very very very horrid injustice and no child should suffer (or anyone but in particular children) that.
While I do understand the "get over it" mentality- that is usually cruel and ill-timed "advice". Pain must be felt, emotions/trauma are meant to be experienced & processed. That's the whole point of having feelings and emotions they are guides of experience to teach you & if something hurts- well that's important to acknowledge and process. there's always a reason and meaning behind it.

Thanks! I think WP is one of the best places to get better for me. I heard "aren't you over this yet" and "can't you forgive your father" as early as one year after I told the family, at age 19. I think the push to "get over it" serves them more than it serves us. The sooner we stop talking about it, the sooner they can stop feeling guilty. It's a similar thing to pressuring people who are grieving a loss to "move on" and stop grieving. It's really more about their discomfort with someone expressing pain than a desire for that person to be pain-free.

There is no schedule on grief and recovery. It takes the time it takes, and it takes longer if people are not willing to listen and help. There will be dark days even years down the road, even after one has managed to do a lot of healing. I recently had to cut ties with a brother who still bullies me verbally and kept opening up old wounds. I just don't want to be hurt like that anymore, by someone who "makes no apologies for anything", in his words.

I totally agree and I am so glad that you can be here with us. And people don't realize that as Autistics,we process emotional things much more slowly than NT's and we can be processing stuff for decades where it might take them a lot less time. But the kind of trauma that you have been through is really huge and anyone, Autistic or not, would take a while to process that and get through it. But yeah, anyone who rushes you to get over something and tries to keep you from taking the necessary steps to do so is usually doing that for their sake not yours.

Grrr. My original response has disappeared due to captchas, and I don't have time to post it again now - so I'll have to edit it in it later.

I haven't read the thread yet. Thought I'd reply with my thoughts before reading everyone else's.

And I have to say, I agree that it's a real double-edged sword.

I had an absolutely terrible childhood. It wasn't all due to autism, but certainly that won't have helped. I'd say it made things much harder.

I'm going through the diagnosis process now. At 28.

My thoughts are as follows:

If I'd been diagnosed as a child...

There are too many other factors that made sure this was never possible, and that probably don't allow me to see this realistically. But, I suspect, being able to communicate with the other children at school would have helped me a lot. Every day at school was torture as I was bullied, rejected and ignored. It absolutely destroyed me. Perhaps if I'd been diagnosed earlier, and ignoring other factors, I would have gone to a school where I was supported to communicate with others and wasn't the only 'odd one out'. Additionally, things like being forced to speak in class caused me a great deal of anxiety and pain - maybe if I'd been diagnosed, my needs would have been accommodated and I wouldn't have been constantly picked on to speak up? Who knows.

As it is...

I am the sum of all of my experiences. And I have a great life now. And I'm so happy. Things aren't ideal - I still mess up a lot, I'm a bit of a disaster socially and there are certainly problems caused by my autism. But I have a wonderful family - a husband and a child - I run my own business. I'm independent and free. If I'd have been diagnosed earlier, would I have pushed myself through my struggles or would I have felt more hopeless? Would I have given up on some things, or never tried them, because I was autistic? Also, all of those aspects of my personality that I'm proud of, like being quite independently minded and not worrying about my image, would those be there if I'd had support and had fit in better with others? Or are they simply a result of me learning that I didn't need anyone else, or anyone's approval, because I was forced to learn that?

I don't think there's a right answer either way. There's no right time to learn. I'm glad I had to push myself through, but upset about the pain I went through and also relieved that I no longer have to keep pushing myself. Going through this process is teaching me about my limitations, and I'm giving myself permission to adapt and to accept what I can and can't do. That sense of self-acceptance is huge.

Captcha Sucks!! !

And it's spiteful too! Guess what I had to do to post my Captcha Sucks post?!

That is what parents did back then.
Is Your Child Ready for First Grade: 1979 Edition

I've read more of the thread now, and there was certainly an interesting point made...what would we do for our own children?

On balance, I've thought that I would rather have the diagnosis at this age than when I was younger. I feel that being forced to live as an NT person did benefit me, because I have been able to live a 'normal' lifestyle and I learned to adapt.

But then, for my own daughter I would definitely want the diagnosis and adaptations. I would want to be able to help her avoid the pain that I went through. I wouldn't force her to socialise, because I know all of the pain and anxiety that gave me (and still does today, even if I can now fake it a bit). I would adapt our family lifestyle to suit her needs. Basically, I want for her the opposite of what I wanted for myself.

And if she had a lot more visible autistic traits, what would matter to me is that she felt better inside for it. But then, what would that mean for her future?

Even for our own children, I think it's a difficult decision.

I just read the article. I remember when I was in first grade, I was 5. And we lived on an Army base in Germany. It was a very small base and we used to play outside all day and go to our friend's houses and walk to and from school without parental supervision. But no matter where you live or in what decade you grew up, there is and was always potential for danger. Even kids that are supervised can be abducted. All it takes is one moment of distraction and someone's life could be changed dramatically.

I remember as a little kid being taught about abductions. One time we were in France and our parents told us to be careful because kids can be abducted and made to join the circus. Now that I think about that, that explanation might not have been the best deterrent. What kid wouldn't love to join a circus?! But we did understand and we were careful.

But we tended to live on base a lot or in small villages so everyone knew everyone and the kids all played together so I think that really helped.