Why did my therapist act like Captain Obvious, and not help?

Post Reply New Topic

I have that problem, too. Unfortunately, past a certain hour I find that though I think I'm being clear and compelling, I'm actually being muddled and repetitive.

I was using it as a slangy colloquialism, sort of like 'awry', if that's any help.



(Keep in mind that I'm not actually any sort of therapist or analyst. I've read some books, had some conversations and worked through some of my own issues. I've found the ideas and approaches within the disciplines helpful and illuminating, and think others might too. That's as bold a claim as I'm making!)

I try to assume as little as possible. My primary belief when it comes to, in the broadest sense, psychotherapy (that is, disucussion of psychological issues with a view to possible resolution), is to talk to the other person on their own terms, to first of all understand how they see things, and then try to address matters in that light.

But, I would test the waters there, to see if anything came up. Kids take the world they experience as normal, and that 'normality' can become very set in their psyche, in their thinking, reinforced by certain self-fulfilling behaviour. Sometimes, to deal with the issue as best we can, it helps to understand why and how that pattern or assumption got there in the first place.

I suffered something of a breakdown for about five years in my mid-teens, one that had ramifications through my early adulthood. I draw a lot from this (and other) experience, but also keep an open mind.



I think because talking about them makes it explicit. The idea of therapy or analysis is, in part, to let the client listen to themselves, to really understand what they're saying, and so what they're thinking, to let the contents of the unconscious become conscious. what are the assumptions we have about the world, about how humans do and should relate to each other, about what kind of people we're supposed to be, etc.

I find Adam Phillips to be one of the most interesting and thoughtful proponents of psychoanalysis out there.

Here is a short video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5C7HXBeHp3c

And this is a longer one, in conversation:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2WMHswoSE20

No problem.

I'll come back to this in the morning - I'm at that point where I'm just restating the same things in different ways, walking round in confused circles trying to work out what point I was hoping to communicate.

To solve problems existing outside your head, you need to do something there. Since that’s precisely what therapy is not about, therapy is never the way to solve those problems, but only to make you give up and stop feeling bad without solving them.

That so-called therapist is worse than a religious zealot! At least the zealot believes in a range of spiritual experiences. Might be a pretty narrow range depending on how strict the religion. But at least it's some range.

This guy just has one idea. Nothing's going to shake him, and he holds onto it for four years. Like some gila monster who simply clamps down.

Yes, as abusive as sh.it Four years of attempted hardcore brainwashing, I'm very sorry this happened to you and this guy is as wrong as he can be. He's wrong because he's dogmatic. He's wrong because he raised what's basically simply his guess to some exalted level. And this is what people learn in grad school, that the complex answer is necessarily correct ? ? Or , that it has to be somewhat correct simply because he's a smart individual ? ?

And the fact that you started to believe the guy, please try to cut yourself some slack regarding this. Four years of brainwashing, whether it's politics, religion, or psychology, that much exposure, hard not to buy into the world view to some extent.

And it would be also abusive to a non-spectrum kid not to let them fidget. And even more so for a spectrum kid.

I'm glad you had the strength and determination to run away in order to make the statement to your parents that you weren't going back to this idiot.

This is called permission sales. And is probably a good technique, of course not 100%, nothing is.

And just asking for what you're looking for, as your example shows, might be enough to elevate a mediocre counsellor to someone who is somewhat helpful. Maybe more.

Ok, so something is glitchy and I can't seem to quote. But I'm responding to the OP's comment about the correct NT response to a therapist's parroting.

My guess is that you're expected to expand on the topic at hand. You're supposed to give more specifics about how you feel, how long you've felt that way, other things that upset you similarly, etc. Also, NTs respond that way not because they think or know they're "supposed" to, but because the technique sort of tricks them into it. It lulls them into a sense of safety and camaraderie that causes them to let their guard down and share details about their lives they might otherwise have a difficult time telling a relative stranger. As aspies usually have absent or different filters, it's a technique that just doesn't make sense to us. To be fair, though, more pragmatic and straight-forward NTs usually don't appreciate that approach, either.

So are you saying that discussion is useful in determining treatment for mental health concerns. If so, I cannot disagree. It is very important that the patient be able to communicate what they are feeling. The resolution being treatment with medication, or if unwarranted, treatment of another kind.


I think a lot of times kids experience a mixture of their own mental health struggles and mistreatment/neglect from their parents, often due to the parents' own mental health illnesses. I think there is a genetic component to mental illness and the cycle of untreated illness and bad coping strategies keeps repeating through the generations of a family.


These are all good things to think about but they have nothing to do with mental illness.


I watched the short video and found what he says about the humiliation of adults to be quite true. Society idealizes children and writes adults off. Once you find out what's behind the curtain there's no going back; so better to blame yourself as a failure than to admit you've bought into a lie.
But again, this video has nothing to do with mental illness.

androbot01 - well, I'm not talking specifically about mental illness. I wouldn't say that, for example, OP mentions such. Nor do I think there is a uniform thing called 'mentall illness'.

For clarity, what do you mean by mental illness? Can you give me a concrete example of what you have in mind?

Sure: depression, schizophrenia, ADHD, general/social anxiety disorder, bi-polar disorder.
I think of autism as a mental illness, but I realize this is a contentious view.

Well, this technique trick did only one thing: it made me thing the therapist is an idiot. Or was acting like one, which, in my opinion, was much worse. In either case, I was afraid to call her out on it, because she was an adult, and I was a lowly 13-year-old. I just changed the topic to something school-related, or later, even stroked her ego by smiling and saying "Wow, you're right!" But that wasn't what I wanted. I figured that since she was a psychologist, she'd know how stop my family from banding against me and treating me like garbage. But instead, she was keeping that information just out of my reach.

Here's how a helpful therapist would do it, in my opinion:
Aspie: "My family calls me names, puts me down, treats me like garbage, and still expects perfect grades for me."
Therapist: "That's too generic. Pick an incident that bothered you the most, and go into detail about it."
A: <goes into detail, with people involved, dates and times, location, and words exchanged>
T: "Did you want to just talk about it, or are you hoping to make them treat you better?"
A: "Yes, I want to get them to be nice to me."
T: "Well, the trick to moving up in the family hierarchy is [psychology trick]. It's based on [mentality pattern]."
A: "And this will help them be nice to me?"
T: "Yes. I know these things. Just like you know about astronomy, animals, and gas laws."

Or even like this, provided they have an M.D.:
Aspie: "My family calls me names, puts me down, treats me like garbage, and still expects perfect grades for me."
Therapist: "That's too generic. Pick an incident that bothered you the most, and go into detail about it."
A: <goes into detail, with people involved, dates and times, location, and words exchanged>
T: "I'm sorry. There's nothing you can do. You're 13. But I can give you pills to make you feel happy and not care."
A: "Yes, please!"
T: "Just remember that it's not safe to drive while taking them."
A: "I'm too young to drive!" (laughs)
T: "I have to tell everyone this, because they may give you light vertigo. It means dizziness."

So in the light of the above, what's a better alternative to help a troubled aspie kid:
A) Give him verbal self-defense tactics or antidepressants, which will improve his life just enough to notice.
B) Give him "empathy" and useless tricks, lose his trust, and make him turn to drinking alcohol for comfort.

That’d be good for the patient, but not so much for the therapist, as there’d be very few therapy sessions. Also, who was paying her?

My parents were paying a small copay, while the state paid the rest. My family was very poor at the time, so we were eligible for government medical care, which included child therapy. So I'm guessing "empathy" therapy allowed for a larger number of sessions, as opposed to a more coaching-style therapy. Also, I didn't need my therapist for "make me feel acknowledged and understood". Understanding me was her job, for crying out loud, and didn't need to be overtly verbalized.

Also, if a therapist was as helpful I wish mine were, wouldn't lengthiness of therapy with one patient simply be replaced with volume? Namely, more patients will go to someone because of their reputation of helpfulness? So no net loss there.