How do u feel about being Autistic?

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Thank you, Stampy and Kraftie!

You always have nice things to say to me and your posts are always interesting to read. I hope the next 30 years bring me a lot of new experiences and continued learning. I hope to be able to improve my tennis skills to the point that I could actually be playing in small senior tournaments some day. Meanwhile, I dream of attending a tournament, meeting Denis Istomin and writing his life story.

I agree! I could feel terrible about my autism, and spend my life hiding it away from view, or I could emphasize the few great abilities it gives me.

Keep striving for the stars, IstominFan ! We support whatever you want to do here. I'm sure you will continue to make great progress!

I don't like it, but am glad I finally got a social life. I made best friends with a girl from high school and a girl I met in the hospital.

I try not to let it define who I am. There's more to me than just my autism.

This, I tell one of my best friends anorexia doesn't define her all the time.

I'm okay with it, since it defines me in a significant way....
I've had positives and negatives, but it makes me who I am

I don't know if I posted on this or not but I'll just tell you guys again.
My feelings about being autistic are really confusing because I don't know if the way I think or act is part of my Autism or not. I will usually ask my Mom since she knows me and knows how autistics act (She researched about it a whole bunch when they diagnosed me with autism.) She mostly says it's because of my autism.
On the other hand, I mostly accept that I am autistic.

It is what it is
I am what I am
It suits me as well
as toast and jam

I was diagnosed as an adult. Extremely fulfilling to get that diagnosis. It answered so many questions.

That said being autistic is HARD with or without diagnosis. There are so many RULES that you have to remember to fit into the neurotypical world. Rules at work, rules at home (NT husband and son), rules in the public. I am pretty good at APPEARING neurotypical (eventually my friends find out that I am a bit "different" e.g. human encyclopedia and things like that) but STILL even then it comes out. The other day my son and I were in the mall and both of us got excited at seeing something (I can't remember) and yes, I as a grown adult woman was jumping up and down along with my son. Then I caught myself because grown adult women do not jump up and down out of excitement "in public" at least. I wondered if anyone saw and felt a little embarassed but oh well. You carry on.

I am very comfortable with being on the autism spectrum and knowing that it's a spectrum makes me feel quite happy.

My feelings about being autistic are quite complex and contradictory ... what it comes down to is the interplay between environment, access and acceptance I guess. When I'm in an autism-friendly environment and surrounded by people I like and that accept me for who I am I don't mind the autism so much. It's still with me but it's not a deficit or a disability anymore. When I'm in an environment that is dominated by NTs, however, it's different. I focus on the negatives and the social and communicative barriers much more to the point of hating my autism and my self.

Being autistic is great, being forced to live in a society designed around NTs is not. Anyone else wish we could form our own little self-governed nation?

When I was first diagnosed three years ago, I was excited, because it explained so much about me and why I was different. I reveled in my unique mind and thought autism made me something special. These days I just wish I could be rid of it. It's like a heavy weight on my back, getting in the way of everything I want to do. My meltdowns have increased in frequency from a couple of times a year to a couple of times a month since March. I've got a team of people supporting me (two job coaches, an OT, an individual therapist and a couples' therapist) and I'm still struggling to keep it together each day. My tolerance for sensory stimuli continues to worsen, and I feel tense and irritable much of the time. A few months ago I started deliberately self-harming, and my therapist thinks I show signs of depression. I'd give anything to be rid of this label. I don't care how boring normal people are, I just want to be like everyone else, to not be hurting all the time because of sensory issues, to not be confused and anxious all the time because I can't keep up with change, to not have to leave work early and embarrass myself in front of my co-workers because I can't control the meltdowns. I just want it all to stop.

So much this. So many rules, and constantly trying not to slip up and let anyone see how weird I am (ruined a lot of friendships and relationships that way). That part of it really sucks. But yes, I do jump up and down out of excitement, with my teenage stepdaughter or by myself, quite frequently.

Like a lot of people said, school was hell. I had a bullseye painted on me or something, I was always the target for bullying - the entire school got in on it in 6th grade, even people who didn't know me, and it didn't let up till I graduated high school. That part also sucks a lot.

I finally got diagnosed just recently, and the diagnosis itself has taken such a weight off my heart. One of my earliest memories (about age 3?) was the thought that there was something inherently *wrong* about me that would keep me from ever being as good as other people, and my whole life I've thought I was just broken, somehow. But now I know that I'm not a failure at being a person - I'm just autistic. It's been life-changing, liberating. It doesn't make living with practically no executive function, crazy anxiety, and a total lack of social ability any easier, but claiming it and owning it has taken away a lot of the shame I used to have about my differences. That part, I love.

And I love the way my brain works, it keeps me endlessly entertained in lieu of social interaction. The weird way I don't recognize language at times is helping me create a post-apocalyptic language for a book I'm writing. Even though - or because - I'm as high functioning as I am, I can help my friend understand his autistic child, thereby improving both their lives. Maybe I can even work with HFA kids - especially young girls - and help them understand they're not broken, either. I love that part, too.

Would my life be easier if I were NT? Yes.
Would it be *better*? I'm not sure of that.
Would it be as interesting? No way.

StarTrekker - I'm really sorry you're going through such a hard time, and I hope things get better for you. Please don't take anything I've said (or anything anyone says, for that matter) as meaning that you're wrong or weak for wanting to be like "normal" people. Nobody really knows your struggles but you, and your own feelings are what matter, not anyone else's opinions. Sending you all good wishes, and hugs if you're comfortable with them.

Thank you Graceling, that's kind of you

This Autistic life has been nothing but one excruciating experience after another and most days I wish that I would die in my sleep. I'm sorry to shock anyone with this revelation but it is how I've been feeling for many years now. I just want the pain to end.

I just want the stares from NTs to end, I just want the bullying to end, I just want the whispers behind my back to end, I just want to be alone and feel safe and protected, I just want the constant and unrelenting anger to end, I just want the constant fear that I will wind up in the street to end, and in short I just want this life to end. The sooner the better.

I just can't seem to find any peace whatsoever.