Anybody here embarrassed to tell people you have ASD?

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It's the stigma attached to AS that puts me off telling people. My boyfriend knows me as who I am (sensitive, loving, caring, affectionate, etc). But as soon as I say that I have this AS, he might suddenly think that I might be capable of lashing out and murdering. All that stigma of autistics being capable of school shootings and killing sprees, and the s**t posted on the internet about it, just makes me afraid of people knowing, which is why I brush it under the carpet. I don't want my boyfriend to think he's marrying a ticking time bomb.

Next, you will be telling me there is no Santa Clause. <sheesh>

As John Oliver might say: Wow!

I know I must sound very negative to you.
I don't intend to be.

I'll try and keep this neutral.
Are you comfortable marrying a man who is incapable of change?
Do you want to be with someone who can't accept you for who you are?
And do you really want to marry a neurotypical?

NTs are overwhelmingly the major engagers of crime in any society.
Autistics represent a very small *percentage* of criminals by contrast.

It's not the end of the world not telling him.
Lies are a very significant element in this NT dominated life system.
It is a very, very neurotypical thing to do. <shrug>

I assumed your boyfriend knew, Joe90. I would hope that if you continue to develop a relationship with him that gets increasingly serious and at some point gets to where you two decide to commit to share your lives together married or not, that you disclose to him. It's only fair.

Things I would want my life partner to disclose to me off the top of my head:

Addiction of any kind.
Disease of any kind (including mental illness) as well as disorders (physical or mental).
Financial troubles.
Children from a previous relationship or relationships.
Criminal background if any as well as any illegal activity even if not convicted or arrested.
Any infidelities in past relationships.

I would probably come up with more, but if my life partner withheld any of the above from me, I would consider it/them to be a lie of omission.

He should know you pretty well by this point. If he believed in this stigma before, he won’t after you tell him that you are on the spectrum. His belief in you should be stronger than any preconceived, uninformed notion he might have. If it isn’t, that’s an insurmountable problem in my mind. It’s also extremely unlikely.

I think that you would be happier and have a better relationship and closer bond if you were open with him.

My feelings would be hurt if a partner didn’t share these things with me. It would make me feel like he didn’t trust me or that he felt that I wouldn’t value his experiences.

I’m trying to say that telling him would benefit both of you.

I'm not embarrassed or ashamed about my autism. I celebrate the things that make me different. I don't tell too many people that I'm on the Spectrum, because it could ruin any chances of future employment. I made the mistake of telling a job placement specialist at Work BC and it resulted in me having very narrow job prospects. He actually gave up on me for a few months.

There isn't. Not sure if your post was meant to be sarcasm.

Suggestion: Find some well-written, not-too-long online articles from credible sources containing statistics that counteract the idea that autistic people are, in general, especially dangerous people. Find some excuse to call your boyfriend's attention to at least one of those articles via email and/or social media, and see how he responds. If he seems open-minded, then you can and should tell him about your own ASD diagnosis.

Last edited by Mona Pereth on 01 Jul 2019, 11:43 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I had a lot of feelings of shame, humiliation, and guilt during my school age years, but I had no knowledge that I had Aspergers. I didn't even know Aspergers was a thing.

I remember crying after reading some about it (descriptions of how it can show differently in girls) but it did take a little bit to accept it once I realized that I had Aspergers. For me accepting I had Aspergers meant I was being released from much of my guilt and oddly enough I wasn't quite ready to let it go. I had spent so much time feeling responsible for my "wrongness" that I kind of had to figure out how to forgive myself because there now was a legitimate reason for why and that I was not alone in it.

So no, I don't feel embarrassment with disclosing I have Aspergers. I don't go around just telling any and everyone but if I feel it's easier to put it on the table I have no problem doing so. I have a reason for why I am the way I am and that is so much better than when I had none; in that I feel stronger.

For the longest time I was too embarrassed/insecure to tell people. But that changed during my sophomore year of college when I took a class with a professor who had a daughter on the spectrum and who I felt probably understood how we think/feel more than most NTs. He was the first person at my college outside the disability support office who I really opened up to, and from then on I slowly gained confidence to the point where I decided to co-found a student club for those with disabilities and neurodivergences, where I was extremely open with everyone, and they were open about their struggles to the group as well.

Yall'd be surprised at how many disabled and neurodiverse students there are at any given university.

Yes. Why?

Cause YOU'RE NO LONGER YOU, You're now a MENTAL DISORDER.

That's exactly what I've been trying to say, only you've worded it better.

I mean, if I did convince my boyfriend that I have it, he'd most likely shrug and not love me any less. But even so, it's how I feel about it that prevents me from telling close people who don't know already. I have always felt uncomfortable about it, ever since I was diagnosed as a child. Everybody else who was diagnosed in childhood seem to accept it and feel happy that their questions are all answered, but not me. I feel I'm the only Aspie in the world who is this caged about it. I tried looking up on Google about struggling to accept your AS, but the results only come up with either newly diagnosed adults or parents who won't accept their child has it.

I think it's easier to be open about it when you're older.
Because when you disclose to people you have to be able to deal with their response, which may be good, or may be misguided, or may be bigoted.
So you have to be prepared to correct misconceptions, to be able to explain how autism affects you, how it has its good points as well as its bad, and to stand up for yourself against those who would see you as inferior.
That sort of stuff comes easier with age and practice.

I'm really open about my AS, but I was diagnosed recently. I can imagine if I'd been diagnosed when I was young, it might have felt like an extra burden, and I might have felt ashamed of it.

I'm sure most would find you a-Peel-ing.

*groan*

No guilt or shame, but I don't bring it up as a topic of conversation or even in "tell us something about yourself" situations.

If people figure it out and ask, I'll tell them, but by default it's no-one's business but mine and the very occasional psychologist. Autism doesn't define me, even if it's a measurable influence.