Do you find it hard to respond when a friend shares feelings

Page 4 of 5 [ 67 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5  Next

BeaArthur
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 Aug 2015
Posts: 5,798

26 Mar 2021, 10:42 am

It's always safe to say, "That sounds ______" where the blank can be filled by any adjective: awful, fantastic, exciting, confusing, exhausting, really hard, etc.

But really, I have had occasion to tell a friend they can no longer confide in me about certain things. I had a friend in grad school who was bipolar. She needed to tell me she had been hospitalized after a suicide attempt. This happened several times. I had to tell her I couldn't keep that a secret any longer so if she didn't want me to tell professors in our program, she better not tell me about it. (It was really messing with my head.) Eventually she did succeed in killing herself. I felt a little guilty but I also knew that my boundary had been a reasonable one.


_________________
A finger in every pie.


Jakki
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Sep 2019
Gender: Female
Posts: 12,481
Location: Outter Quadrant

26 Mar 2021, 1:09 pm

Very sad . Very unfortunate.


_________________
Diagnosed hfa
Loves velcro,
Quote:
where ever you go ,there you are


BeaArthur
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 Aug 2015
Posts: 5,798

27 Mar 2021, 12:48 pm

Jakki wrote:
Very sad . Very unfortunate.

Yeah.

But if someone ever tells you something pretty personal and scandalous, and THEN after-the-fact says "you can't tell anybody this," tell them not fair. If they ask you in advance if they can tell you something but keep it a secret - well, I've gotten to the stage where I say "I'm not making any promises."


_________________
A finger in every pie.


Joe90
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 26,492
Location: UK

27 Mar 2021, 1:02 pm

BeaArthur wrote:
Jakki wrote:
Very sad . Very unfortunate.

Yeah.

But if someone ever tells you something pretty personal and scandalous, and THEN after-the-fact says "you can't tell anybody this," tell them not fair. If they ask you in advance if they can tell you something but keep it a secret - well, I've gotten to the stage where I say "I'm not making any promises."


I'm good at keeping secrets, but I do tell my mother everything. I remember my friend used to tell me things that weren't exactly that private, it was just about the conflict she had with her neighbours, but she'd firmly add "and don't breathe a word about it to anybody". I said I wouldn't, but inwardly I thought "that doesn't include my mum".
If someone badmouths to me about someone, I don't tell the person they were badmouthing, even if they don't tell me not to, it's still implied because I don't like people being upset. I wouldn't like someone telling me that someone's been badmouthing me, as sometimes ignorance is bliss.


_________________
Female


BeaArthur
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 Aug 2015
Posts: 5,798

28 Mar 2021, 8:48 am

I tried to coach my daughter, who has a long-term relationship (but can't afford to marry or she would lose her benefits) that to most people, "You can't tell anyone" is not to be taken literally; it usually means you can tell your spouse, if they are safe to confide in. (Not blabbermouths, in other words.)

Certain careers include a duty to maintain confidentiality. These include espionage, mental health therapists, doctors, lawyers, accountants. It might not seem like it, but keeping secrets of this sort carries a burden for the listener. You must maintain vigilance in talking about what's going on in your life. If you are disturbed by, or even inspired by, some of the things you hear, you can't share that with anyone. This burden of self-restraint about sharing may be difficult for people who have a hard time allotting attention, such as ADHD, or balancing complex ideas which I think is hard for many folks with autism.


_________________
A finger in every pie.


shortfatbalduglyman
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Mar 2017
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 10,560

28 Mar 2021, 8:59 am

I don't have that challenge because no precious lil "friends"

There is no "correct response".

No matter what you answer, someone could always misinterpret it

"Actions speak louder than words"

"Loose lips sink ships"



Dear_one
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Feb 2008
Age: 76
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,721
Location: Where the Great Plains meet the Northern Pines

28 Mar 2021, 11:17 am

BeaArthur wrote:
I tried to coach my daughter, who has a long-term relationship (but can't afford to marry or she would lose her benefits) that to most people, "You can't tell anyone" is not to be taken literally; it usually means you can tell your spouse, if they are safe to confide in. (Not blabbermouths, in other words.)

Certain careers include a duty to maintain confidentiality. These include espionage, mental health therapists, doctors, lawyers, accountants. It might not seem like it, but keeping secrets of this sort carries a burden for the listener. You must maintain vigilance in talking about what's going on in your life. If you are disturbed by, or even inspired by, some of the things you hear, you can't share that with anyone. This burden of self-restraint about sharing may be difficult for people who have a hard time allotting attention, such as ADHD, or balancing complex ideas which I think is hard for many folks with autism.


Ever since the invention of the telephone, one of the perks of the operator's job has been to eavesdrop on conversations. This seemed less invasive when most people had party lines. However, it was quickly discovered that only female operators were able to be discreet about it. The men could not resist playing pranks that gave the game away.



Jakki
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Sep 2019
Gender: Female
Posts: 12,481
Location: Outter Quadrant

28 Mar 2021, 12:21 pm

Dear_one wrote:
BeaArthur wrote:
I tried to coach my daughter, who has a long-term relationship (but can't afford to marry or she would lose her benefits) that to most people, "You can't tell anyone" is not to be taken literally; it usually means you can tell your spouse, if they are safe to confide in. (Not blabbermouths, in other words.)

Certain careers include a duty to maintain confidentiality. These include espionage, mental health therapists, doctors, lawyers, accountants. It might not seem like it, but keeping secrets of this sort carries a burden for the listener. You must maintain vigilance in talking about what's going on in your life. If you are disturbed by, or even inspired by, some of the things you hear, you can't share that with anyone. This burden of self-restraint about sharing may be difficult for people who have a hard time allotting attention, such as ADHD, or balancing complex ideas which I think is hard for many folks with autism.


Ever since the invention of the telephone, one of the perks of the operator's job has been to eavesdrop on conversations. This seemed less invasive when most people had party lines. However, it was quickly discovered that only female operators were able to be discreet about it. The men could not resist playing pranks that gave the game away.


Truth can be quite frightening . Above statement epitomizes the idea that some men never grow up.
But have met several women whom if they had a juicer piece of information could not help but share it often at the predictably worse possible times . To attempt the the most damage . To another person ,they thought to demean or harm. Making the old saying “choose your friends carefully “ , a good piece of advise .
And being. A more naive person , turns out to get exploited in this way , more often than average,I feel.


_________________
Diagnosed hfa
Loves velcro,
Quote:
where ever you go ,there you are


Dear_one
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Feb 2008
Age: 76
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,721
Location: Where the Great Plains meet the Northern Pines

28 Mar 2021, 1:47 pm

Jakki wrote:
Dear_one wrote:

Ever since the invention of the telephone, one of the perks of the operator's job has been to eavesdrop on conversations. This seemed less invasive when most people had party lines. However, it was quickly discovered that only female operators were able to be discreet about it. The men could not resist playing pranks that gave the game away.


Truth can be quite frightening . Above statement epitomizes the idea that some men never grow up.
But have met several women whom if they had a juicer piece of information could not help but share it often at the predictably worse possible times . To attempt the the most damage . To another person ,they thought to demean or harm. Making the old saying “choose your friends carefully “ , a good piece of advise .
And being. A more naive person , turns out to get exploited in this way , more often than average,I feel.


I thought it showed that men feel compelled to be honest, while women play for keeps. I was forced into exile by women spreading lies, and there was only one brief slip that let me know where my bad luck was coming from, while I was playing by the rules. I had no experience at all in manipulating information, but the women had been practising all their lives.



Jakki
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Sep 2019
Gender: Female
Posts: 12,481
Location: Outter Quadrant

28 Mar 2021, 4:23 pm

Sorry for differences in interpretations. Just not fond of the ideas of people doing pranks . Or generally malicious women .


_________________
Diagnosed hfa
Loves velcro,
Quote:
where ever you go ,there you are


Lost_dragon
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 May 2017
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,975
Location: England

28 Mar 2021, 6:21 pm

I am quite good at keeping secrets - although it sure does feel odd when you're aware that you're one of the only ones in the room who knows the full extent of a situation and the topic comes up. Especially if the person who told you this secret is lying or deflecting questions about it and you secretly wonder just how many people are in the know.

Sometimes keeping a secret is important, such as if it ensures the safety of a person or the person simply does not feel comfortable disclosing certain information to others just yet. I can understand that and feel honoured when someone feels comfortable enough to inform me. Yet I probably wouldn't hold it against them if they didn't tell me either, depending on what it was. I understand it can be difficult to trust others and know who is safe to trust and who isn't.

However, there are circumstances where I will break my silence if it is actively harming someone else in the situation or generally doing more harm than good. Usually though I will respect a person's wishes and I have gotten quite good at acting detached when the topic in question comes up.

People often confide in me. It can be difficult when people tell me particularly distressing things and I have learnt not to immediately go into trying to fix the situation. Now I am more aware that sometimes people just wish for comfort.

I'm not typically a particularly physical person, I only feel comfortable being touchy with certain people (such as hugs or shoulder touches) yet weirdly I tend to get crushes on people who are and often in part because they are, but uh, we'll unpack that another time. I usually just sit near a person and let them vent. If it's too much, then I may crack a few jokes or offer them tea or a biscuit and maybe a chair. Often I find that suggesting a change of scenery or activity can help, such as walking around the block and allowing them to collect their thoughts. I usually find that it's easier to talk to them once they've relaxed a little.


_________________
Support human artists! Do not let the craft die.

25. Near the spectrum but not on it.


Jakki
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Sep 2019
Gender: Female
Posts: 12,481
Location: Outter Quadrant

28 Mar 2021, 7:17 pm

Found many times that if am asked to keep a secret . And it is not going to be a safety issue , will often let it roll off of me . So I don’t have to commit it to conscious recollection . That , I do not accidentally reveal it.
Unless that same person triggers that memory with me in private. Have used up full capacity of memory banks .
Multiple traumas can have a way of doing that , I think .


_________________
Diagnosed hfa
Loves velcro,
Quote:
where ever you go ,there you are


Dear_one
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Feb 2008
Age: 76
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,721
Location: Where the Great Plains meet the Northern Pines

28 Mar 2021, 7:48 pm

"The three main channels for spreading information are telegraph, telephone, and tell a woman." :-)



Jakki
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Sep 2019
Gender: Female
Posts: 12,481
Location: Outter Quadrant

29 Mar 2021, 2:09 pm

Hurumpf :roll:


_________________
Diagnosed hfa
Loves velcro,
Quote:
where ever you go ,there you are


Jakki
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Sep 2019
Gender: Female
Posts: 12,481
Location: Outter Quadrant

29 Mar 2021, 2:11 pm

On occasion .....


_________________
Diagnosed hfa
Loves velcro,
Quote:
where ever you go ,there you are


mohsart
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 25 Feb 2020
Age: 56
Gender: Male
Posts: 741
Location: Southern Sweden

29 Mar 2021, 3:11 pm

Dear_one wrote:
"The three main channels for spreading information are telegraph, telephone, and tell a woman." :-)

I understand that was tongue in cheek, but it still disturbes me.
Person to person it may (or may not) be OK, but on a forum I don't like it. Just my opinion.

/Mats


_________________
Interests: Comic books, Manga; most things to do with Handicraft, wood, textile, metal etc, modern materials; horror, true crime; languages, art, and history to an extent
Uninterests: All things about motors; celebrities; fashion; sports; career; stock market
Feel free to PM me!