who here battles low self-esteem?

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Damaged self-concept is also common with CPTSD. ^

It's safe to say most of us have some form of interpersonal trauma from living in an NT world.
We just aren't adapted.

Personally, I feel quite good about myself when I'm alone.
I'm at peace with who I am.
When I view myself in relation to others I feel shame and insufficiency.
Unfortunately, it's nearly impossible to avoid "others" even in our thoughts.

certain holidays make me more aware of anomie than others. i am always aware that i am in the wrong world, that i'll always be a stranger in a strange land, on a solitary path, a monk without an order. i can't watch tv as it reminds me of all this.

I feel your pain.

I have a very hard time with TV too, because I'm afraid of trauma triggers, emotional weirdness, and seeing NT lives in action -- whether good or bad, happy or sad. I watch and rewatch the same "safe" shows over and over if I watch anything at all.

I've been watching a few new things lately with my daughter because she wanted company and we're stuck in lockdown. I have to zone out for most of it so I don't have panic attacks or feel unprocessed emotions. I don't look at the screen very much and seldom have any clue what's going on. My ears perk up at the funny one-liners but for most of it I completely dissociate. Hence, me not having much of a self.

what does your daughter think of tv?

To many of these poitns I could comment on....but...

I've felt this way , all my life. I like solitude. I'm introvert at heart.



I used to feel shame and inferiority, when i was younger. Not so much nowadays, not to such an extent , atleast not to where it oppressive. Naturally i will feel jealousy and envy, and other negative reactions, in certain experiences, that life will bring up.

I'm a black belt at avoiding others. I simply don't comply. Ive never did thing i didn't want to do. Even if it means I'm being self-destructive in non overt way. I'm very maladjusted in that sense. yes, I'm neuritic too. Ever since i was a kid. I over think everything. I can get good or emotions just from thinking about something, insn't tat normal? though. Simple neurochemical feedback mechanism.





I think i could live in the woods, without human contact,all year, and not be bothered at all. That's how little i need other people.
I know saying that might might make me seem very abnormal.
Of course i don't know how it would ACTUAL play out. I might be overestimating that quality of mine. I feel i could handle it. I'd get used to it. Sometimes I question, why i even want to make connections with people, have friends.


Healing, you need to resolve those feelings. Kind of like extraction snake venom. I don't believe people are incorrigible. I think it's more hopeful to believe you just haven't found the right treatment, therapy , process that can restore a sense of emotional equilibrium.



I've never been dissociated' unless intoxicated in some way. Or extreme stress, i may feel 'disconnected. It becomes a question of how do you retool something that has been bent out of shape. How restore sense of balance, thats not self-limiting and self-defeating. Yeah, you could just avoid people and things, but that's not optimal, to healthy functioning.

She loves TV - in terms of screenwriting. She's worked on set of a few shows both writing and doing camera work.
It's one of her special interests and talents. She prefers TV over movies because the plot lines have more time to develop.

I can't keep up with 1/1000th of what she watches.

^^your daughter sounds both gifted as well as a gift. i live out in the sticks, that brings a measure of peace. if i were never exposed to people dissimilar to me, that would give me more peace. but if i could be around people that ARE similar to me, that would bring the most peace yet. i had a moment in the sun when i belonged to quite a good aspie meetup group, until they disbanded. that was the only time in my life where i could be around people like myself.

It's not that they are bad feelings. I wouldn't even say I need equilibrium, because I'm pretty balanced. What I mean is that TV puts a range of emotions in my face unexpectedly. I can't handle the risk of exposure to a full range of dramatic NT feelings I'm not prepared for. Even feelings of happiness, elation, excitement, love, and all the "good" ones can really deplete me because I feel so deeply.

I didn't know the term HSP before but I guess it applies to me since I have so much empathy. Complex Trauma gives me emotional flashbacks as well. That's something I'll always have to live with so it's not a matter of "finding the right therapy". It's not that easy to process emotions with CPTSD and Alexithymia but I'm doing really well, all things considered.

One thing I've learned is that I can't flood myself with random emotional input from books and TV / movies very often. It's all baby steps. Add in ADHD which makes my mind go 100 miles / hour and make connections in a split second, and the fact that I ruminate endlessly (ASD). It's actually unhealthy for me to watch a lot of TV.



I'm not talking about clinical dissociation. I use the term loosely to say that I zone out or don't pay attention. Disconnection might be right word but it's not even that purposeful. It's more like a lack of focus. My mind can go a million miles away at any given time, whether I'm watching TV or not.

It's not self-defeating or unhealthy. It's just who I am.

Quite frankly being told that I'm using maladaptive behaviour doesn't help, either.

the people who say i'm maladaptive or other such, are more often than not ableists. but i refer to myself as maladaptive also and that makes me a sad self-ableist. a man's gotta know his limitations so i try to avoid situations and requirements that exceed what i'm made of, that exceed my ability to adapt.

Thanks blabbs. She's definitely an incredible woman.
I can't say I've ever met anyone "like myself" in my life, except for here on WP.
(((I've made some incredible connections on WP)))

My daughter has similar diagnoses to mine and of course we're a lot alike, but we're still different.
There are times she reminds me of her dad (ouch ...) and most of the time she's just her unique self.

You're blessed to have met those people when you did.
I'd never have the confidence to join a meet-up group like you did.
I'm somewhat terrified of women and they're kind of unavoidable in the real world.

Just leaving home is a big deal.
I'm still learning how to "relationship" with my partner.
I feel like a total idiot in terms of relationship skills, because it's all so new to me.

I understand the term self-ableism and yes, I guess we're all guilty of it to an extent.
Knowing your limitations isn't maladaptive though. It's a strength.

You push yourself like a trooper and you've learned to cope with a lot of adversity.

When demand exceeds capacity, it's always smart to stop and be good to yourself.
Capacity can't be adjusted at will.

I was in the 1st percentile for Adaptive Functioning on my ASD assessment.
I don't let that get me down.
I did adapt when I needed to (trauma), but I'm still alive.
So are you.

Let's celebrate that and forgive ourselves for the bad days.

I alternate between having low esteem for myself and low esteem for others.

thank you bad days are accumulating though as i age. but i'm also learning new workarounds. that is a kind of adaptation, i guess.

Well, I know i'm maladapted, just on an objective level. In comparison to most people,around me.

I can be in my own mind, zone out. Block out surrounding things. I can slip into that. But that's temporary. Most of the time I'm outerdirected in focus.

I'm very good at handling social interaction at first, eventually thought there s fatigue factor, i don't know if it's boredom, or just lack of energy, or motivation...but social interaction which is novel at first....can quickly wear down my enthusiasm.

One day i can be super charming, firs time i meet somebody. The second time i meet them, I'm the opposite...i flounder.. i just feel different...i'm kind of temperamental that way.

And issy, you're such a walking ball of contradictions. I feel you're quite accomplished, for somebody who supposedly never has any confidence. I don't know how you done half the things you've said you've done. I suppsoe that does make you very unique. I suppose you were braver in your younger years , right, when you felt more healthy.

Your daughter has done screenwriting. That's admirable. I'm impressed. I guess, she follows your footsteps. A writer.

We are all maladapted. That's part of our diagnosis.
I didn't mean to say we aren't.
I meant that I'm doing my best and don't need "better therapy", etc.
It's not like I'm making poor choices in how to live.

You're lucky you have that stamina for first impressions.
That's really a gift even if you flounder afterward.

Yup, I'm definitely a series of contradictions.
From my old-fashionedness to my punk rockness.
From my simple values to my ultra liberalness (actually the same thing imo).

Accomplished? Sure, academically. In a nerd way.
Work wise I really had no choice as a mother.
Trauma-wise I really had no choice as a mother.
I'm only really alive because I'm a mother.

Braver?
I guess, but that's not the right word.
Auto-pilot works better.
Delusion.
Naivete.
Determination.
Stubbornness.
Fear.

I had my dad for many of those years.
I changed a lot after losing him.
After trauma and two strokes.
After learning why I'm so weird, and letting it be.

I'm also 20 years older than when I had my first breakdown.
My nervous system never reset.
When I went into shutdown I never came out again.

Thanks though. I know you mean it as a compliment.

I think it might be a case of losing yourself in your work. Total immersion. That's one way to deal with things. Devotion to daughter. Devotion to work. Roles. Social. Family.

Of course it never resolves underlying issues. Subconscious feelings don't dissapear through distractions.

It' can be hard enough to get a read on somebody irl. Let alone through text. I obvious don't know what it's like to be you, on the inside. The nuances of things. I can only go by impressions. Anecdotes.

I like communication irl, because theirs a wealth of sense data. So it's easy to interact and gauge things. It doesn't really bother me at all , being around people, in small doses atleast. Not to say my nervous system, doesn't protest sometimes.

I'm not a people-person. But if i feel a good enough reason, like robin williams, i can be 'ON" and really engage somebody. Sometimes intensely. But Sometimes i just dont feel like being around anybody at all. And i don't have any consistent desire to be around people. Which is innate. And has messed up my life considerably. As far as socializing goes.

Yeah, take it has a compliment. Take anything i say about you as a compliment. That's a good rule of thumb. Because you know i don't have a bad thing to say about you. Quite the contrary.