DW_a_mom wrote:
Well ...
I don't know how to explain it, I guess, but I've seen the problem with my son and with my husband, and it's the main reason they can turn people off or antagonize them so fast. I actually tend to take it as a challenge, but most people don't. They don't want to deal with someone who is so certain they've got the only right answer, that they aren't willing to REALLY listen to the other side. It comes through, when you think the other person is being ignorant or stupid, and it is very off-putting. It's an insult. So, they walk away. To you, it confirms that they are ignorant or stupid. To them, they are avoiding someone borish and rude. Usually, neither is right, but the missunderstanding perpetuates.
Thank you for your posts. I don't know if you'll come back and read this or not, but your post on the subject is exactly what many of us, especially myself, need to hear. I often peg people stupid, not because they don't agree with me as much as they refuse to listen to me. In my life, I repeat probably 95% of the things I say at least twice, and probably 50% at least three times or more. From, did you change that diaper? to my monologue about my near death incident, people have just learned to tune me out. As if Aspergers in communicative settings isn't frustrating enough.
I will say that I often deem people stupid before I give them a real chance, and it's not really fair to them or myself. Plus, I've been noticing that it might be an NT thing to not reveal your true self early on, so their FIRST arguments in a debate tend to be simple and stupid sounding. Like Aspies want to play all their best cards first, but NT's get rid of all the bad cards before revealing that ace they got. I think it's a survival tactic as well as an etiquette on the NT part. Plus, I think Aspies take character bashing more personally than NT's, so when an NT threatens our intentions, our intelligence, or anything of that nature, we get on the defensive side.
A tip though, many times us Aspies come across like we aren't listening when we are, and better than anyone else would. I know I'm a much better listener when I am trying not to listen than many NTs are (as I've already said I seem to repeat myself a lot...and people wonder why I have a habit of saying the same thing over and over again in different ways...that's why..my family trained me to do that). Aspies are more apt to not listen to you when we are involved in our interest than in a debate. I prioritize what I listen to a lot, and if I don't place it as a priority, then I toss it aside in my mind for later. Sometimes, I don't respond to good points when I'm not ready to cave. I will ignore any attempt to changing the subject when I'm heated on the subject. I don't know if this is Aspie or me, but I have to have closure. I can't function without it, so when I'm debating or arguing with a loved one, I have to see it through or I go crazy.