Suicidal Ideation as a fuzzy, daily constant

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Sometimes. Happens in spurts for me, not really constant.

Judging by my experience, Morgana, it is worse when you live around many people. I have lived quite isolated, and I have lived surrounded by many, and I definitely coped better in relative isolation (although not total isolation - I need some help to get through some of life). I am used to living with my immediate family, though. That's not so bad.

I go through periods where the suicidal urge is a constant undercurrent. I can distract myself, but eventually I return to that idea, because I just want everything to stop. Even the distraction becomes some incessant jarring demand on my mind that only makes me want to scream and hit my head against something concrete.

But then I go through periods when I feel so in love with life that I almost cry. I want to experience so many things and learn so many things and write so many things and draw so many things and read so many things................ there aren't enough hours in the day. There certainly aren't enough days in the week.

And then there are the times when I'm so tired I can't think enough to even discern whether or not I want to die. I'm just alternately a zombie and a screaming voice. I don't know what I think at all.

I didn't vote in the poll, because I'm not good at assigning timeframes to my mental processes. It's something I'm working on.

But depression may be one of the necessary evils to motivate a person to change his or her life. For example, it may motivate a woman to leave an abusive relationship. The horrible feeling of depression may give a man inspiration to change his surroundings.

Yes, timeisdead, but what exactly is your point?
Serious depression actually renders you inactive. one goes beyond choice and decision-making except of decisions that spiral even frther towards the negative.
I think there is a qualitative distinction between what you are saying and what DentArthurDent is saying.

In my view, what you term "depression" still seems to allow and encompass the possibility for change, proative decision-making and implementation of positive action.

The depression i have experienced and continue to manage at times, is far more debilitating than that.

Then there is endogenous depression and exogenous depression.

You seem to be mistaking clinical depression for feeling lousy or low or pissed about life. i think the two are different.
I know they are in my case.

I keep trying to explain to people the difference between not wanting to be alive and wanting to kill myself. People kept freaking out, and I kept trying to explain to them that hating life wasn't the same thing as sitting in my room with one of my firearms in my mouth. Someone actually offered to hold on to my ammunition until I wasn't depressed, I was a bit fired up at that.

I dealt with people thinking I was suicidal for so long that I finally wrote out my (insanely nuanced) views on life and death, it took 15 pages.

I highly recommend it, you'll feel much better. Just write it all out, and when you read it back to yourself , it's much, much easier to deal with. This isn't some lame-ass stream-of-consciousness thing, write it out like you're writing a book, with little chapters and sections, a table of contents, all that.

I was once diagnosed with clinical depression. You may be helpless for a while but when you wallow in pain, you have no choice but to mentally confront your issues, as opposed to masking or suppressing your emotions. This is especially true if you tend to never turn off your thoughts. The temporary debilitation indicates there is a subconscious need to properly deal with the issue causing the depression. After experiencing pain of that magnitude, essentially given no choice but to seriously consider the issues behind the depression, there is a great intrinsic motivation to end it.

Thank you for writing a response/comeback to that cliche. I hate that cliche. And all cliches people think it is appropriate to fling at a suicidal person. It's disgusting that people think that they can stop someone from wanting to die by saying something that they haven't even come up with themselves and isn't specific to their situation.

I used to think about it a lot, and yeah, I sorta felt it was in the background all of the time, not quite thinking about it all the time but still knowing that it's there. Lately, I don't want to die. I'm happy lately. I don't know if it will last.

timeisdead - just because it's normal doesn't mean it's good. If someone's arm were cut off it would be very normal if they had problems all their life with that arm if it could be reattatched at all. But it would be a normal reaction to what had happened.

the accucacy of what you are saying is also dependent upon whether the depression you were experiencing was exogeous, endogenous or a combo ot the two - and in what proportions.

"wallow in pain?" hmmm.....

I still have no idea what your point is..

It's a thread about suicidal ideation and iI am still wondering about your perceptions of depression...even moreso given the post above. You really seem to be referring to exogenous depression and you do not seem to grasp the fact that depression is NOT ABOUT WALLOWING IN PAIN.

Intrinsic motivation?

are you talking about some kind of externally triggered emo depression?


very naive posturing in your post.
if you are referring to your own personal experience, perhaps it would be prudent to stipulate that a little more clearly?

I am also perturbed about a lack of understanding regarding depression and suicidal ideation as a very real and sometimes constant co-morbid for people with autism.

Last edited by millie on 06 Apr 2009, 2:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

On a daily basis topic

I am choosing my words carefully here.

I am currently reading a biography of a person who wrote of death, and in reading about it I could understand the reasoning behind it. Not the emotions--the reasoning. This writer thought about it intellectually and was trying to understand what death and dying meant to her.

Eventually, she grew unceasingly despondent and ended her life. She had no one to discuss this with--this was before the internet. Her therapist was pre-feminist and could not understand her patient as an individual.

I am glad you shared your thoughts and emotions. Inventor's post was comfortingly lucid and relevant.

Well I have no way of knowing if it is 'because of AS' but I know that anytime I am feeling bad or think of something that I did wrong or ect - the thought flashes through my brain that I want to die. Even if I am not seriously depressed.

Of course, when I am seriously depressed, the feelings are much stronger and I start getting urges for a specific kind of self-infliction (eg I may have a really really strong desire to hit myself on the head with something or ect).

I have fantasized about having a cave or a hole in the ground where I can truly relax and recharge as well. I think if I ever had the money and I lived up north I would build an underground house because it would be a very comforting place for me.

When things get overwhelming and I think about suicide sometimes when I'm alone or just can't sleep and I know no one is listening to me I'll whisper to myself "I want to go home; That place that doesn't exist and never will. I want to go so badly." I used to think it was weird, but seeing how other people feel on these forums I realize it's not. But I wonder if it's a way of my subconscious to tell my consciousness that it would be okay to stop trying and end it all if I decide to do that.

Wow, that sounds like a horrible thing to have to go through...I´m sorry to hear about that! I can´t believe that they can let staff members act that way? I hope that person was fired, her behavior sounds appalling.

Hey KoR.....i ditto Morgana's sentiments.
I hope the new people and place with our own room is better. I follow your blog here and there.

I shall not write of my wishes for some kind of revenge against the staff memebr you speak of.
Well...not really.

But i do hope they are forever banned from working in any kindo residential or care facility EVER AGAIN.

I was thinking about this more deeply today, and I was remembering that when I was younger, and living with people, I experienced a lot of guilt; I guess this was because I felt that I was constantly upsetting or irritating people, not pleasing them, so ultimately I felt guilty about this and felt somehow that I didn´t deserve to live. I was often told that I was selfish and that I didn´t think enough about other people. These statements always shocked me; I didn´t want to be a selfish person, nor did I realize that I came across that way. Somehow, through a good part of my early life, I had a very low self esteem. I didn´t feel that I really deserved to live- the way other people did- and I felt somehow that I always had to prove myself, to validate my existence. I spent the first part of my life working so hard that I practically destroyed myself, just to prove that I was worthy of existing.

In addition to that, I also tend to feel quite frazzled when I live with people and am involved with them too intimately.

I did a lot of self work, starting about 7 years ago. It´s been slowly getting better, thank God. Living alone helps, at least it has helped me.

Rather than going through a regular suicide, instead I ran myself into the ground (workaholic) and totally neglected myself for a long time, until I became too sick and was forced to make a change. Ok, some of this may have been lack of executive function, as well as special interest obsession; but some of it was this guilt problem.

what i do know is i would much prefer to live in isolation and on my own, but i have a son and have copped to that, and so i need to at least be present in the paltry ways that i can be.
My ex does just about everything, and he is just a great person. But he has struggled with my autism and my depression for years.

Living with people involves meltdowns and incredible anxiety for me. this in turn leads to a feeling of hopelessness and futility abotu my limitations. Guilt also, as i cannot function like others and take seemingly normal things in m ystride as a mother and member of a family is supposed to.

I am currently working on a daily chart with my autism psych. I am charting fluctuations in anger, anxiety and sadness and seeing when they are at their worst and what patterns eventuate. It is fairly clear that the alleviation of these three "negative" feelings is only achieved by my special interest. It is also evident that the anxiety and meltdowns SKYROCKET in intensity and duration whenever there is the pressure or expectation for social contact from son, ex partner and then from others.

Yes, of course, I can see that about your son. I was only telling my story, but I realize it´s unrealistic for everybody to live alone. Even in my case, it may only be temporary, who knows?

I truly admire any AS person who can raise children. This must be hard! I absolutely adore children, mind you, I just know how hard it must be to be around them all the time. They totally wear me out. But, I love them...children are so honest. They can be so fun. When I´m around them, the child part of me comes out more, too.

Can´t imagine what kind of parent I´d be though....