First time in history!! !! The NT/AS open hotline ! !! !! !

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Just point to the badge where the person was supposed to check while politely saying, "It's here," and be done with it.

There are many possibilities. Might be the person was seeking specific support or information. When that need was met, the person left. Could be a long list of other things that popped up in the person's life and the person's use of time shifted.

I'm new here and am spending more time than I have. Doubtful I'll sustain that for a long period of time due to other obligations in my life.

They may have control issues. Best to try to speak softer than the volume of the aggressor while calmly making your point. or, not engage at all. or, say something like, "Your statements are important to me. I'm going to give them careful consideration and will get back to you." Then turn on your heals and walk away. Next time you see them, smile and wave cheerfully, ask about their new puppy, then run off to a meeting.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

"I'm so sorry that I am in the way of your cart. I appreciate your understanding while we wait in line." or, say nothing and gently put your hand on her cart to stop it from bumping you.

NT answer: Depending on the location and whether or not I may have to interact with that person again - I ignore and avoid strangers like that in public.

At work, I might minimize contact while remaining professional at necessary interactions. Finding a common interest human understanding piece also helps at work if you will have to continue to work with that person. Is she going through a divorce? Does his son have cancer? or is he just a jerk? It's up to you to decide how much time and energy you have for it.

You could make and wear a name tag that says, "I'm Jeff. I have Asperger's; a type of high functioning autism. I don't do chit chat well."

You could make a one page hand out of your favorite autism / aspergers resources and (1) ask where/leave the stack on a prominent table for everyone to pick up or (2) hand it to the church person who does greet and orient you and say something like, "This is for you to make copies and hand out. I'm not comfortable talking about myself. Thank you for inviting me. Where would you like me to set up [my music]" You've then opened the door for them to educate themselves. Enjoy sharing your music. That sounds wonderful!

You do not owe them an explanation. You are not an Aspie Ambassador to the UN. You have free will to live as you please. It is not up to a paraplegic to explain life in a wheelchair. It is not up to blacks or cultural "minorities" to explain anti-racism. As a white, it is my duty to explain anti-racism. It is not up to women to explain what sexism is and how it works.

If you are not comfortable, good for you for knowing your feelings (not every NT knows theirs). Please see my other post on this with suggestions of other ways to handle the situation...

I think you were invited for music ministry, right? so that's what you do. My guess is past the busy minister who might be embarrassed to realize his mistake, you might find individuals their who do understand. Just as you do not represent all aspies, the minister does not represent all in attendance. It's okay to type a list of resources and hand it to them or bring a few books on autism for a display... or...

So very true and excellently worded ! !! ! Applause ! !! !

Thank you, Radiant. It was a real feast seeing again many of the questions posted and getting more insight about them. Your help's invaluable!! And welcome aboard!

I remember how therapists always used to ask me to explain to them the behavior of others, as if I had any insight into or part in why someone did something hurtful to me. I'd get exhausted trying to come up with possible reasons. One day, recently, I said "stop", and now if someone asks me to explain why someone did something nasty to me, I say "Ask them. They're the ones who did it, not me." I'm not responsible nor should I be able to account for the choices of others on how to behave towards me. I can explain what being a woman is, but why some people discriminate upon women is for them to explain, not me.

This is interesting. It is in my nature, when someone hurts me, to try to figure out why, or if their actions might have been unintentional, or at least to see if I can determine whether I might have done something that contributed in some way. I might even ask them, not necessarily why, but find indirect ways to determine why. But I am not like most men.

My guess is that the minister is one of those outgoing types who has a spiritual gift of Hospitality, and he is certainly demonstrating a lack of understanding of Asperger Syndrome. Personally, as an NT introvert, I would not be at all offended at all if you did not great me at the door. I would expect you to be too busy putting your presentation together to worry with me. Of course it is after a presentation that folks usually want to speak to you. If they enjoyed what you played they will want to express that, or encouragement or something of that nature. Many folks tend to assume everyone else is much the same as them.

You NEVER contribute to someone's actions, unless you forced them physically or by severe threats to do a specific act. Your behavior and their choice of how to react are not one direct line from point 1 to point 2. There's a point 2 in the middle, that is THEIR choice. Their reaction is point 3, not 2. Unless you believe that, for example, a woman is able to MAKE her partner batter her. Some people believe this twisted lie, preferring to ignore that most men, in the same situation, would choose to leave the woman if she makes him soo angry as to lose it, or suggest couples' counseling or any other reaction. If you believe that for some actions there is only ONE possible reaction, then my words will be meaningless to you, of course. But I've yet to see any action that can only elicit ONE reaction.

There are many things about expected behaviors in the world of extroverts that don't just occur to me. On many occasions I have discovered from experience, that some action, or statement that I would not have thought would have been offensive, was in fact offensive, and many informed me of as much. In this situation, the response I received was in fact caused by my action, even though, I would not have thought these actions to have been anything offensive, and though my motivation was certainly not to offend, I offended anyway. Is that clear as mud? After several of these occasions, I have started analyzing the situations leading up to offenses to see if I might have contributed in some way. It's a learning experience for me.

Their getting offended is point 3, not point 2.

A common reaction is NOT the same as an inevitable reaction. Some actions commonly bring about a certain reaction. That doesn't mean that reaction is inevitable. It only means it's common. Eg: I burp. She rolls her eyes at me. Common reaction, yet not inevitable; she could've reacted in a million other ways, from laughing it off remembering her own gaffes in life, to killing me with a knife. You're responsible for burping. You're NOT responsible for her choice of a reaction - to roll her eyes. You didn't contribute to her contempt. Point 2 is a mixture between what you did and how she interprets it. Point 3 is totally her choice. You did contribute to point 2, but you can never contribute to point 3. I think you're confusing point 2 with point 3. I think Americans have a ball game that involves bases - I think it's called baseball. Think of it in those terms.

An example:

Point 1: You didn't bring Sue a present on her birthday (your responsibility).
Point 2: You didn't bring Sue a present on her birthday (your responsibility) + Sue interpreted it as laziness on your part (her responsibility)
Point 3: Sue put you down and mocked you for spilling the juice in your glass at her birthday party.

I don't have an obligation to explain why Sue put me down and mocked me. That is SUE's choice of action and HER responsibility to explain, if she wishes to. I don't even have an obligation to connect the dots and understand that the put-down and mockery are connected to my not bringing her a present. The only part I do have responsibility for is the part I marked in bold above. That's where my responsibility ends. No therapist should expect me to mind-read the part I marked with underline. That's extra work that is useless, because we usually don't get it right anyway, even less if we're Aspies and lack ToM. Useless, mentally exhausting, time-consuming (all the better for the therapist's kids to enjoy the extra money from you), and crazy-making. Ever since I've started refusing to do this, I've been surprised that people actually respect it and stop nudging me.

But I'm again breaking my own rules on this thread and debating. Shame on me.

NB1: I just burped
NB2: What is it that the one with the huge leather glove does at each of the stations in that game? I was never able to discern it on the TV set...

And I'm an INFP. INFPs are supposed to love debate. You haven't managed to offend me.

There have been questions and answers on this thread about lying. I can understand and deal with the little white lies people tell to keep from offending others and to be polite. I even do it though I don't like doing it. But there's another level of lying that goes beyond politeness and I find it's surprisingly commonplace. I guess it's mostly done by NTs so my question is to NTs. To me it borders on deceitful. Let me give a few of examples.

1) I live in a small development in a rural area and we have our own road and each lot owner is supposed to pay $200 a year to keep up the road. I ended up with the job of handling the money and scheduling maintenance because no one else wanted it. We have this one resident who has claimed financial hardship since he moved in. Each year the excuse seems somewhat plausible and I believed him. First it was "I just moved in and I need 6 months to save up some money and then I'll pay." "Well okay," I thought, "That's possible." But each year there was another excuse until this year it was "I haven't made my last two house payments so I can't pay." Well he's in construction and that business has been terrible for a couple years now so it sounded real. One more month missed payment and he'll be foreclosed on. Three months later he's still there and I found out he's paid up on his property taxes, something people default on long before the monthly mortgage. So I finally realized that I've been lied to for years. Stupid me for taking so long to realize it. But he's not the only one. Others here are claiming financial hardship due to the recession. I no longer believe any of them. They're all lying. You simply cannot live where we live and not be able to come up with $200 a year. I know they don't want to pay but do they have to resort to this sort of lying? I'd rather they'd just tell me they're not paying and be done with it. This sort of lying doesn't protect my feelings. It p***es me off!

2) I've had to deal with a number of public and private contractors here. I've finally decided they all lie. They make appointments to show up and do something or say they're going to put you on their schedule and let you know the date. They don't show up and you don't get scheduled. Again they make excuses that sound plausible but in the end it's just lies.

What's really maddening is that the excuses are carefully crafted to be believable but unverifiable. And if I call any one of them on a lying excuse, they get mad at me as though it's somehow my fault!

3) Most frustrating is the number of friends who have contacted me asking to come up and see my place. I always agree and give them some window of time they seem to want and tell them to pick a day to come. The time comes and goes and no visit is ever scheduled. These people are supposed to be friends and I expect better.

Over my life almost every person I have known as more than an acquaintance has lied like this to me. It makes it difficult to trust anyone because I never know when I'm being lied to, because sometimes the excuses are indeed real. I can't cut every person out of my life who does this to me or I'd have no one.

I don't lie like this. I can't make up believable but unverifiable lies. If I make a commitment, I keep it even if I don't feel like it when the time comes. If a situation arises where I don't want to do something, I simply tell the person no and why. Sometimes in a poor attempt to be polite, I'll tell them I'll think about it but I can't make a commitment at this time.

A few years ago I had a real eye opener. The son of my lifelong friend was having a wedding reception and I was invited. Of course I accepted (RSVP). (I couldn't attend the wedding because they're Mormon and non-Mormons aren't allowed in the church.) When I showed up with a gift my friend expressed surprise that I actually came. Apparently this sort of lying behavior is not only tolerated but expected. I was stunned!

Why is this sort of lying acceptable and how do people sleep at night after doing it? If I lied like this I'd be replaying the incidents in my mind for the rest of my life.