The autism social rule book.

Post Reply New Topic

Don't voice your opinion if someone says something extreme in the name of religion.

If you reply to the same person's posts in different threads, they might think you are following their posts cyber bullying them.

Then you break up with them over skype or phone. If its an online relationship, your whole communication is online so you should break up with them over skype. If you know them in person, you should try your best to break up with them in person. No breaking up with them thru a letter or card is not ok. Its worse then breaking up with them thru online or a letter.

And what if you don't have Skype? Should you get Skype just to break up?


What if you and your partner you knew each other in real life and lived far away from each other and you wanted to break up? Should you wait until you both have the money to travel and see each other again to break up? What if none of you have the money to travel to see each other? Should you not break up then and you are stuck and you must not date until you have the money to see your partner again or until they have the money to come and see you? What if it be years? What if you never have the money to go see him and he is just too lazy to come and see you because he doesn't want to do it?


I guess this be a reason why to never do long distance relationships and if one of you has to move away, break up right now just in case because you never know. That is if it's this black and white.

Another gray area I thought of, what if you partner didn't want to take the time to see you before the move because "he was too busy" and even though you tried to see him before he moves, you couldn't get a hold of him and he was never home when you stopped by?

Wow. I just read 35 pages of this. Interesting.

I don't know what number we're on but I'd like to add some rules if I may. Perhaps it's been said before, but:

# xxA? People in general do not listen to what you say when you meet for the first time. Not a word. Not in a general social situation. They are not after information, unless you are attending some sort of political, work related or special interest meeting. What they are after is determining one thing and one thing only. Are you a threat or not? That's it. When you first meet an NT all they want to know is if you're likely to hurt them or not, if you're friend or foe. They do this by adding up non verbal information like looking at your eyes to see what you're feeling (yes NT's can do that, supernatural as it may seem to us) they look at your body language and listen to the sound of your voice. If you speak with a monotone voice, get help if you want to interact with other humans in a positive way. Seriously. Some ( a lot of) people will NEVER listen to what you say, only to the tone of your voice - or mostly at the tone. If you sound involved and competent people will think you are competent. You need to learn how to reflect in your voice what you're feeling and what is important if you want to communicate efficiently.

# xxB : Rules about eyes: Avoiding eye contact means you are hiding something from them, offering your eyes means that you're offering them a window to your soul. Remember that NT's can see what you feel in your eyes, so show them. You can be trusted, you're not hiding anything. Staring them straight in the eyes is confrontational and aggressive to them, and to most mammals in fact. Many aspergians who don't like to look people in the eyes feel that mammal instinct that it's scary and/ or confrontational - I used to be one of those. Get over it is my advice. Quick, regular glances won't kill you - or them - and it will work wonders for your social life.
Seek eye contact when greeting or saying good bye, when giving them information that is important ( to underline that it's important) and when they are saying something personal or important - that tells them that you have listened and recognised that it is important. You can look away while listening, but remember to also do things like nod and/or look interested/concerned/amused while they are talking to show that you have understood. Reflect back. And smile - a little friendly smile is never wrong. Unless they're saying something sad or worrying.

# xxC: Do not interrupt, wait until they have finished speaking and then add something completely relevant to what they just said. Many people here have mentioned that timing is of importance, if you think of a funny remark but can't say it at the appropriate time - forget it. Conversation is like going on a hot air balloon trip. You have to accept that the winds control where you will end up and just go with the flow and enjoy the ride.

# xxD: Don't fake an interest, but if you ARE interested and if you have listened - show it. People need to know they are being heard. Otherwise they don't want to communicate with you. What is the point if no one is listening? If you want them to speak with you again you need to listen and show you have listened. You also need to remember what was said so you can refer to that next time you meet. That shows that you are interested in him or her. Every time you meet someone you're adding building blocks to the construction of your relationship. Relationships take time. If you forget what was said at your last meeting you need to start over each time and the relationship "building" will never be built, or it will evetually collapse. I am sure that if you feel no one ever listens to you or care about things that are important to you that you don't feel much like seeing them again. We all want to be heard. Or we wouldn't speak.

#xxE: Relationships take time. Do not expect strangers to care about you, do not share your most private, personal thoughts with just anyone. People need to earn your trust, and you need to earn theirs. The reason why you feel comfortable with your close relatives (unless they're horrible) is beacuse you know them really well, you have spent so much time with them that you know each other inside and out. Do not feel hurt or rejected if someone you don't know shows disinterest or betrays your secrets. You shouldn't have told them anything personal in the first place, and you can't expect a stranger to care. They won't. Save your best stuff to close friends and relatives.

#xxF: Quality over quantity. You're not a better person or more loved the more people you know. Even so called popular people who seem to have a million friends only have a handful of people they feel they can truly trust and count on in a crisis. Don't feel too upset if not everyone likes you. Do you like everyone you meet? Are you immediately fascinated by everything a stranger tells you, no matter how uninterested you are in the subject? I bet not. Don't waste time trying to understand and getting to know everyone or getting everyone to like you. Relationships develop and grow naturally, if you have to force something it's not right.

#xxG: Don't be fake. Then you're stuck having to be that persona for as long as you know these people. It's better to give up on the whole thing and accepting you're not compatible from the beginning. Focus your attention, time and energy on more compatible people who will add to your life and not take anything from you - people you can give something valuable to in return.

#xxH: Social skills are taught. Even NT's learn social behaviour and interaction, they're not born with it. They ARE born programmed to study and mimic other people and therefore they learn social behaviour quicker than the rest of us - but we're just as capable of learning these skills. It just takes us longer. But we need to be willing to be open, to study and learn to get those social tools. Once we have them we have the freedom to choose whether we want to use them or not.

But people fake interest all the time. Is there actually rules about it?

As about being fake, I found out it's something in the brain. When two people meet, something goes off in their mind and it gives them a extra boost. So they act different. They do genuinely want to do these things but then after a while that wears off and they go back to being themselves again. A rule is, it takes 3-6 months to see the real person you have met. Then after that you may see some changes or a lot. If you're lucky, you will see only some and if you are even more lucky, it just be little ones you don't like than major ones that are bad. But you're right don't intentionally be a fake.

Even as a kid I have watched other people and copy them and figure out what I am supposed to do. But I would also learn the wrong behaviors. I suspect this is what they also mean by us not reading reading cues nor picking them up. I also recall reading we have a hard time with it too. We either not people watch and not learn a thing or we do people watch and learn the wrong things. I was lucky my mother always kept her eye on me so she could redirect me in life so I know the right stuff than the wrong stuff. I remember Roger Meyers saying that Tony Attwood once said in his book that aspies who copy other people are likely to succeed in life and live normal while the ones who don't are less likely to not have a normal life. if it weren't for my mother, I may have had a harder life and figure things out later than sooner.

Here's one that I'm still working on, but I don't know if it's been mentioned because, I didnt look through all 35 pages:

Do NOT hit people when they annoy you, also don't hit people in jest because they were playing around, unless they playfight with you.

By the way, if you have laughed at every single rule, it apparently means that you are guilty of breaking them all. Laugh at one and you're are only guilty of that one, that's what I was told and I laughed at all the ones I saw.

Also, Another one that I don't know if its been mentioned: when you find yourself going on and on about your favourite topic, and you notice people are getting bored, let your voice trail off and then say, I'm going to shut up now... I find that saying that just eases tension and prevents people from thinking you're weirder than they thought, and it can be quite a humorous way to end a conversation with them just thinking, wow - they must really love electromagnetic fields (or whatever it was that you were talking about).

Yeah, I definitely agree with that. I say that a lot, and I just want to add on to this. I don't know if this is in here already because I didn't read the whole thing, but don't shove information down people's throats. (Yes, I know, that was blunt. Sorry.) I usually find myself rambling on and on about something (especially if it's something that annoys me) and I can sort of tell people want me to shut up.

It's like so many of my English teachers have said in the past...just because something is long doesn't mean it's good. Aaaaaand I'm going to shut up now. xD

People haven't been fallowing the rules for writing rules, so I'm not sure which number we are on. I would like to thank everyone for their rules, some of these help a lot. My biggest issue is that even though I may know the rule, I have trouble with my impulsiveness, this makes watching a movie with me very difficult, it is especially difficult when a NT talks during the movie when nobody is talking, and I respond, then they start to raise their voice at me, saying I was interrupting the movie. When someone asks me how I'm doing, I naturally assume they want to know, because I do when I ask. And combined with my stupor power of acting and talking before I think (I'm like superman, meaning I have many powers,) I struggle with answering any question in a way other than honestly and with enough detail not to be misleading. Well, I'm getting really tangential, so I will just post the one rule I can think of that I wanted to share:

1024. When someone says "Republicans are idiots." They don't really mean that they think people who identify with that particular persuasion of the progressive "coin" have a diminished mental capacity: Instead, they mean to express their frustration, or something. So don't correct them by by saying: "all republicans can't be idiots," because they will ask you how many jobs the bush tax cuts created, then you will answer his question and much confusion will ensue.

This isn't quite right. It's knowing when it's safe to do so and when speaking out can leave you open to attack by extremists.

New one I just learned:

When you go over to peoples houses and you bring over food and drinks to share with them, they are no longer yours and it's theirs now. Do not bring them home with you when you leave. Unless they ask you if you want to bring some of it home if there are any left overs, then it's okay. It is not like potluck.

Since I, and others, lost track of what rule number we are on I will make up a number and go from there.

#501 You shouldn't keep an argument/debate going until you have made your opponent surrender/see your side/cry and run away/threaten violence. Just because you're right, and they are an idiot/ignorant/biased/racist....whatever, you still should shut up and let it go at some point. If you argue with a pig long enough, observers can't remember who the pig was.

#502 No matter how many times and ways they say "I only want you to tell me the truth, no lies, or anything to make it seem better" No one wants to actually hear your real opinion of them with complete and brutal honesty. I am very VERY black and white, but you really have to find some sort of grey in-between the "white lie" and "Black Death" of brutal honesty.

#503 "Suicidal" is NEVER the correct answer to "How ya doing?" Better to say "ok" or "Kinda down today"

#504 "The conversation that you and I had a week ago where you looked confused and walked away." is not what anyone wants to hear when asked "What ya thinking?" They WILL think it's weird/stalker-esque. Better to say "How much I love you" and smile while looking them in the eye.... assuming they are someone that it'd be ok to say that to anyway.

We once had a Polish couple come to our house that took their booze home with them. They weren't popular for it, it must be said.

When you go to someone's house, there is an implicit declaration that you are bringing it as a gift and if it is not drunk, it should be left with them. They come to your house? They'll do the same for you.

#505 If people say that you look angry/grumpy/mean or whatever, don't argue with them about it. If you are reading these rules odds are you suck at figuring out what "look" you project to others, especially when thinking or in a heated discussion. If they are an NT, ASD or tree frog, it may actually matter more what they get from you (meaning your facial expression) then what you are trying to say. Assuming you are trying, I know I forget to control my face when stressed, thinking or not aware that I am in company.....and my default facial expression "Looks pissed".

#506 If you take a drink/food to someone else's house, you should SHARE it. Monopolizing your "gift" is thought quite rude. I find it easiest to do if I take something I don't like, easy since I dislike most foods/drinks.

After that one thread I just read at Babycenter, I am going to give anyone a benefit of a doubt when they do that because maybe they were not aware of that rule. I wasn't aware of it. I am guilty of bringing food over and then taking it when I leave. Only time I'd leave it is if I didn't want it.

But what if it was your food you brought, can you bring it home? Someone told me over there you do not bring home food that has never been opened if it was brought by someone else. So now I wonder what if it was your food? Would it be okay now? What if it has been opened, can you still bring it home?