First time in history!! !! The NT/AS open hotline ! !! !! !

Post Reply New Topic

My question may have been posted by someone else already. But I don't have the time (or stamina) to read through all the posts, so I hope you will bear with me.

My question is for NTs:

Do you sense/see/notice a difference in the way an aspies writes ... on a forum, online (and maybe in any writing that we do)? Are we obviously different in the way we communicate in writing?

Thank you for any replies in advance! ^L^,

Puzelle.

Sometimes. Not so much in use of language but in how you approach issues and definitely in how you debate (AS debates require linking and obscure - to me - details and so on while NT debates focus more on the intangibles). The first time I ever asked a question in AS forum about things going on with my son I got all these answers that seemed so unrelated to me - and I realized that the variety reflected how my son really thinks, ie he connects things in a way I do not. So while I didn't get the answer I was looking for, it was the first step in a journy of learning to communicate.

Yes. I have a lot of empathy. Maybe too much for my own good.

However, traditional expressions of empathy don't come very naturally to me. I either internalize it and don't express it at all, or I express it in a different way than most people.

For instance, if a friend is in trouble, I can be there to listen, and I'm often keen to try and help them figure out a way to solve their problems (like solving a puzzle). I usually seem unemotional during this process, which (I've noticed) is something some people find comforting; I can be the level-headed friend who puts things in perspective from a realistic unemotional standpoint and can list the options for dealing with the situation at hand instead of getting lost in crying over it.

The trouble is that sometimes when I go out of my way to be there for someone, the emotional side of it hits me later, after we've dealt with it and I've had time to reflect. But, again, I keep these emotions to myself.

I'm not even sure if this is an extreme introvert thing or an AS thing, or both.

In the MBTI, "intuitive" (N types) doesn't mean being able to understand other people intuitively. It means introspection. S means sensing. N types pay more attention to their inner world of ideas and abstract concepts while S types pay more attention to the external world of things. Both types do both but there is a preference.

I've posted this question as a new topic, but thought it might be appropriate to post it in this thread as well, because I want to hear the NT view point too.

Okay, here goes:
*******

This topic may seem a little weird. But I've really given it some thought, and now I just wonder how others see it.

I often hear from people that they can spot Aspies easily, and about the traits that make us Aspies stand out. Even in Aspies circles (on the net, but also outside it) we talk a lot about what our special "markers", and so on, are.
So it was natural for me to ask myself, if I can actually tell who may be Aspies and who are NTs.

My conclusion is that I can't see any difference at all, except for one thing:
Those who react normally to me are usually Aspies.
Those who become awkward, won't talk to me, or who get angry with me, are NTs.

All the stuff about how we're different and so on ... I don't see any of it. I don't mean that I think it isn't there, I just don't see it.

So now I'm curious to hear if there're others who have the same experience as I do?

I'd love to hear from NTs and Aspies both. ^^

Puzelle.

Last edited by Puzelle on 18 Jan 2010, 12:28 am, edited 3 times in total.

I guess I shouldn't wonder why NTs focus on intangible things, but it's hard not to.

You write that you never got the answer to your question (or so I interpret it?), but people gave you a lot of details anyway.
It doesn't seem like "us" to not answer someone. We may be "inappropriate", but not answering and also not stating that we don't have the answer ..., well, I guess there's always exceptions to a rule. Really, normally we are nice to answer people.

About the whole answering issue: I've often felt that I don't get answers from NTs when I ask. I wonder if the issue could have to do what you say about NTs focusing on different things from what we do. Maybe that can lead to them assuming I am looking for some specific kind or type of answer instead of merely what's in my question. Actually, I have felt that it could be this way, and it's very frustrating when I try to make it as clear as I possibly can, to see that the more clear I am, the more I get confusing and nonspecific answers.
Yes, it must have to do with the way we think aka what we focus on, which again will probably color the way we communicate.

I tend to think that Aspies communicate in a very straight matter of fact like manner that must be clear as day to anyone. And of course it turns out that we don't seem clear at all, not to NTs (who are the majority).


Funny though, I have often found that I have no problems communicating with children (and no!, it has nothing to do with not using long words or anything like that, lol). Can other Aspies relate to this?, and have NTs noticed something like this in Aspies that you know?

Until I was probably around 30 the concept of social status didn't even exist for me. I operated under the naive assumption that people got to where there were because they were smarter, worked harder, and achieved more. Popularity and influence didn't enter into it. A couple decades later I fully realize that some people with high social status don't deserve it in my view. Their opinions are given great weight simply because of high social status, not because they actually know much about whatever subject they're talking about. Celebrities are probably the ultimate group of people with high social status whose opinions are taken seriously by many just because they are popular. It drives me crazy when I see these people being interviewed on everything from autism to politics, testifying before Congress, and being taken seriously.



Interesting. Validation doesn't do that much for me, not even as a kid. A little of it goes a long way. I pursued my interests because I did truly enjoy them. These days I'm on a few e-mail lists that discuss one of my interests and people publish their work for others to see. Often there are a lot of "Nice job" and "Good work" sorts of comments. Those don't do much for me. What I'm really looking for are people to ask questions, whether it's about techniques or even make criticisms. I enjoy explaining my rationale for the choices I make in my work. I found that many people though do not want to answer questions and don't want to hear any criticisms. I even got into a private discussion once with a person well known for his work who was stunned when I told him that I wasn't particularly interested in the compliments but wanted serious discussion of the work.

Over the years I've managed to p*** off some people by asking detailed questions. There was no ill will on my part. I just wanted further explanation. OTOH, I've found people who also enjoyed the detailed discussion but they seem to be the minority.

I've scanned through some of the 40 pages here and seen this touched on but i would like to ask a specific (surely not!) question.

This question is to NT's generally, especially the more socialy needy ones (who are likely to notice and be upset/think negatively if someone doesn't say bless you or won't come out to lunch or join in office conversation). I realise most here are likely to be quite accepting.

The question - You think your boss is unsociable, quiet, a bit rude, doesn't explain things well, too controling and overly specific. He tells you he has Aspergers and ADD. How are you likely to react, mostly in terms of respect for his ability to manage you. What could he say or do to give you confidence he is actually able to manage you effectively?

Clearly this issue is relevent to me. I am planning to let my staff know. I am confident in my technical ability and that can not be questioned, but i am concerned my staff will lose confidence in my ability to manage them, which in turn will in fact make it very difficault to manage them, thus proving them right by their own actions.

Hi, Jingo8. I'm NT and not very socially needy, but I certainly have a lot of experience working with people who are. I think that your question is very difficult to answer accurately because there are so many possible variables.

I think the reactions of your staff will very much depend on their general confidence in you as a boss. Employees need to be managed by someone who is technically competent to do the job, treats them fairly and shows courtesy and respect. If all of that is in place, then telling them about your conditions may just help them to understand some quirks in your behaviour that would otherwise puzzle them.

If, however, they already have a negative view of you because they see you as disorganised or antisocial or a poor communicator, discovering that you have Asperger's and ADD may make them feel some sympathy for you but may also make them question your ability to be an effective manager. Most people know little about either Asperger's or ADD and may see them as serious impediments to your role.

Do you have a senior member of staff who you could perhaps speak to first, someone you work closely with and whose "people skills" you trust? You could ask them for some honest feedback about your managerial style and about the likely reactions of your other staff to being told about your diagnoses.

There are certain social behaviours that a manager needs to learn in order to get the best out of his team, even the "socially needy" members. Hopefully the insights you gain from your diagnoses will help you to become an even more effective manager, regardless of whether you end up telling your employees or not. Perhaps you should wait a little while before you think about telling anyone anything- you've only just recently been diagnosed, after all. What does your psychologist suggest about the situation? Best of luck with this, anyway, Jingo8. Jenny

Being a person who knows a little about AS, it would probably help me to understand why you are the way you are so I don't take some of your behavior personally. For me personally, that would be helpful if I have issues with your rudeness, lack of communication etc. I agree 100% with jennyishere. It really depends on how these people would take it, and that depends on how educated about AS they are, how accepting a person they are and what they think about the abilities of people on the spectrum. Would I respect you more or less after knowing? Not necessarily. If I like you as a manager, your AS wouldn't matter. If I didn't like you, that's one more thing to gossip about.

Personally, I wouldn't say anything. You are who you are and that doesn't change once you disclose your diagnosis. If your goal is to be a better manager I would concentrate on learning how to motivate your team, build rapport with your staff, learn how and what to communicate etc. There are a lot of leadership literature out there, and classes you can take, books you can read. I would go that route before disclosing your diagnosis. Once you do that, it's done and you can't turn back.

Thing is, to employees, your ability to manage them and their work (the "people" side of the business) is just as critical as technical aptitude. We have a tendency to promote people who are technically brilliant and then wonder why they aren't able to manage - it's a completely different skill set obviously! Your language above "especially the more socialy needy ones (who are likely to notice and be upset/think negatively if someone doesn't say bless you or won't come out to lunch or join in office conversation" leads me to believe there is possibly some discontent.

I think Mommy's advice is good - work on your management skills. The AS diagnosis doesn't change if you tell them - you still are who you are. They still will want a more personable, hands-on manager, is my guess. Most people have to learn this - - rest assured, it doesn't take a diagnosis of AS to struggle with these issues as a manager. It just probably makes your path to improving these skills a little trickier.

They seemed to think they WERE answering the question, which is what made it so interesting to me. But, as I said originally, they may not have answered what I meant to ask, but in doing so they taught me something else that was really interesting to learn.

I have a ? for NT's.

Do u feel AS people have very litle to no humor?

I only ask this, for my boss thinks I need some, yet my humor is AS humor (dark ,british, type).

Thank you for you response

People on this forum are hilariously funny. My aspie husband has probably the top 2 best sense of humor I've ever encountered - just spot on at noticing things of which I would never take note. And I come from sarcastic, acerbic witted, funny people. If he did not have a sense of humor like this, it would be a Deal Breaker for me - I could never date a guy who wasn't funny. Not even Date # 1.

However..... we knew each other on an online forum for 12 years prior to the first date (really.) There I found him to be smart, charming, hilarious (as well as hard headed, filled with stodginess etc and other stuff). In person he is funny after you know him for awhile and he relaxes with timing. Thing is, in person sometimes it goes....terribly wrong....and someone's feelings are hurt. So I think he's just more cautious in real face-to-face life and therefore less sense of humor in real life. But in forums & email, he's the smartest, funny-person in the group.

Also, because of the whole AS "inability to spontaneously emote joy" (or whatever it's called) he really never bursts out in completely spontaneous laughter at anything. I suppose a dimbulb could consider this a lack of sense of humor, but I wouldn't.

My husband is probably AS and is also wickedly funny. But he only shares it with people he is 100% comfortable around. We have a LOT of fun around the dinner table.

I suspect this is going to be similar to the way it is with NT's; some people are funny, some people are not. I don't think it's something consistently absent or consistently present with AS. But, maybe, as with so many things AS, when you have a good sense of humor, it's really really good and when you don't, it's really really bad. I honestly don't have the depth of experience with different AS individuals to make the call on that.

I apologize if this question has already been asked but I have a question for an NT who is/was in a realationship with someone who has AS.
How did your significant other tell you that they had AS? I've been dating my boyfriend for almost a year and he still doesn't know. I usually don't like to tell anybody that I have AS because I don't want them to treat me differently or think that I have a problem. I don't even know if I should tell my boyfriend but I know it's bound to come up sometime. So I guess I have 2 questions: Should I tell my boyfriend that I have AS? And if I should, how could I do that without changing the way he thinks about me?