NT needs advice about Aspie shutdown - please help me

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Are you saying that the times I loose the ability to interact with others, and process sensory input for 4-5 days, usually after something big happening, that I'm going through depression? The way I see it, I'm shut down, processing everything still. I can't think of anything, can't tolerate any more input. If any more input is given, it is disregarded. It may appear to be acknowledged, but it goes nowhere.

I get into a lot of moods where I just don't want to talk to anyone at all. It's not a shutdown so much, just a "break" from the social maintenance and upkeep of having friends and good relationships with people.

I am not sure whether or not NTs realize how much maintenance really goes into keeping up a friendship. You have to make sure to call them, e-mail them, gotta talk to them at least once every few days or something, but then, when you go do something with them, that involves social interaction. I do not do well socially, and it's exhausting to do so. Sometimes I dread going and doing anything at all, other days I am fine. I just need good breaks sometimes if I've been around someone too long. I have to smile, I'm expected to respond certain things, my brain is shuffled the entire time trying to play off that I'm having fun while being uncomfortable at times... I have to listen to everything even if I'm not interested....

It's a lot of work in all honesty-it's not as natural just to up and do things for me. Plans change when it comes to dealing with people, my routine is disrupted when I have another person come over, I don't know what is expected of me... It's like juggling a million balls with words on them and trying to remember what word is on every single one of them the entire time... if that makes sense. It's a whole new jumble of rules, while sitting there thinking "it's 5:00... I'm supposed to be eating dinner." and trying to ignore that nagging thought every time a certain time rolls around that I'm supposed to be doing something, and being able to take in everything that is going on....

Did that make any sense at all? Or did I just talk in circles?

A lot of my friends are online, and I will disappear for weeks at a time without a word one way or another. Then I just show up randomly again, just long enough to say "hi" and explain I've been in a very anti-social mood ultimately.

There really isn't anything I can do to pull myself out of it, and any plans others try to force me to do just seem like daunting tasks. Like I'm keeping up with something just to make someone else happy, but it's miserable for me the entire time. So I never see the point. The person always picks up on the fact that I'm uncomfortable and winds up rescheduling it for another day anyway.

The hardest part for me, is actually getting enough motivation to actually tell the person in a timely matter that I'm just not wanting to be around people at the moment, and that is why, but eventually I will snap out of it, I always do. Once I tell them, they are usually okay with it.

I've had friends I've known for 15+ years now, and they just know I do this. I'm not good at keeping up with things like that. I figure if the other person wants to see me bad enough they will say something, and if they do, I'm more likely to negotiate, but if I'm just not up to it, I just don't respond... and they try again later.

I'm not sure I read the original post right, and hope my thought pattern and comprehension is going along with what was originally said, lol.

It does make sense when it's explained and no, NT's don't realize how much maintenance goes into keep up a friendship. We can understand and offer support once we know what's going on but that's part of the problem, it seems that telling us during that time becomes difficult so it's a circle effect.

The problem with my friend didn't arise until he started a new job which probably meant more social interaction while getting used to it and then he had nothing left for me. If only he could have told me that, it would have helped. 8 weeks was a really long time without any contact most people wouldn't still be waiting around after sending 18 emails. They would assume that if you aren't speaking to them then you want nothing to do with them. That is the message being sent.

I got 4 emails, the last one on Sunday night and so far, nothing more. I've sent 3 emails, two in response to his last email and one with questions about the crossword puzzles he made. Again I find myself wondering why he hasn't responded and if something I said sent him back into hiding. I swear, I can't keep doing this much longer. I feel like I'm on eggshells and having to be careful about everything I say. It's draining me. I wish I could just walk away and not feel anything. I hate having so much emotion sometimes.

Update: After 79 days my friend finally came back to chat last night and we talked and played a game. When I asked about talking, he said let's take one step at a time. I'm not sure he will be here daily but I think we overcame a huge hurdle and are on our way to re-establishing our friendship. Though it probably won't be the same, it's better than silence.

Thank you to everyone who helped me during this time, without your support and advice, I would have lost my mind. You gave me hope and helped me understand what was probably happening. If I can ever help anyone else with an NT question, please let me know.

my aspie roommate has this awesome way of saying "give me a minute to think about it."
he says "be right back..."
really cute.
now that i'm living with him, i understand him so much better. he needs ALOT of space.
he's forgetful, he's stubborn, he needs time to transition, his room is a disaster but he'll wash the dishes and keep shared spaces clean, it's very difficult for him to wake up in time for school, he's "out of it" for AT LEAST the first hour he wakes up, etc...
keep all his needs and quirks in mind as you get reacquainted after 79 days.

glad your friend is back and that the friendship is moving again.

I was really relieved to see he came back.

For me, a new job makes me focus, especially because there is a whole set of new people to negotiate social space and interaction with. It's exhausting, and I don't have any social energy left. When I see an email from a friend or family member, I get a flash of a headache and my face twitches. These are people I love and wouldn't want to hurt for anything in the world. And then I feel guilty about ignoring them, and feel I have to explain, but that's even more energy.

Now that he's back, at least you can let him know you understand that he has to focus sometimes, and that it's OK just to send an email saying 'I'm fine' with no explanation every so often so you don't worry.

My son has shutdowns - and we know now just to leave him alone. When he is ready he will be in touch.

Its not got anything to do with you or your friendship, he will be trying to cope with the new job. And sometimes its not easy because in new jobs people are quick to notice differences, they tend to say things (and sometimes behind your back) or if they are really cruel they will call a person names and tease them so Aspies tend to completely shutdown just so they can keep their energy up to try and cope with everything that is new.

There is also the fact that a new job means a completely new routine, dealing with strangers and sometimes a lot of them and these things are really overwhelming for them.

So maybe send one email saying you will be there whenever he is ready but in the meantime you will leave him to it.

Good luck.
Minniemum

Honestly, I don't think he thinks of me much nor cares how I feel. He knows I don't like being alone and that's how I've been for the last 3 months. I think he's so involved with his new job and his current interests that I don't even cross his mind. He doesn't seem like the same person he was four years ago. It has me wondering why I want this friendship so much when I'm not getting much out of it anymore. It's causing me so much stress and worry. I'm just tired of fighting.

Sorry, I"m just a bit down. Haven't heard from him since Sat. night and I think the only reason he came then was to test his game, not really to see me.

Thanks anyway for your comments.

last night, i bought an electronic piano for my aspie room mate who has just discovered his musical genius. he was really wanting one and thrilled to have one and played for it for an hour. then i asked him to help me take the piano large box and move it into another room. in that other room, there is a bag of bean-bag stuffing...tiny styrofoam balls... some of it had spilled onto the floor. i was picking up the small balls and putting them into the top of a game box (to collect to trash). he became fascinated with the way the small white foam balls moved and flowed around the box. he moved that box top around in all different directions and speeds watching the styrofoam balls flow and make patterns for almost an hour before he remembered he had just been gifted a piano and it was waiting in the other room....

Thanks I've also received two emails in response to mine and I'm anticipating one tonight and maybe another game this weekend. He's also showing some interest in another game. These are very slow baby steps this time. I'm hanging in there.