The definition of bullying.

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I tend to fidget with things and possibly tap pens on tables without being fully aware of it...I realise it could be annoying but people simply have to say something and I'll try and quit.......though since I am not always aware I might start doing it again without realizing it till someone says something.

but its reasonable that would annoy someone, if people tell me I should smile more so I am more approachable then I don't care its none of their buisness if I want to smile or not.

It can be very hard to change certain things. For example I can get excited by what I am talking about and genuinely forget myself. I have asked people in the past to give me a gentle nudge when I do it but they don't, they just get annoyed and yell at me. Yes, sometimes I can remember not to do it (its partly why I get so anxious socially, I am always on guard trying not to let myself slide and forget things) but when I relax around someone, I will, without fail, always manage to forget myself at one time or another.

But people expect me to always remember it and that means I have to always be on edge around them trying to remember it all the time so I don't forget myself. I get tired of having to be so self conscious because I have to monitor myself to make sure bad habits don't surface like talking about the same subject or bringing the conversation back to the same subject, or launching off into a speech on it and forgetting to let other people speak, trying to remember to make eye contact and look at them when I am talking, trying to work out when I should respond or not as I used to get told off for that too (not responding when people spoke to me) and then I over compensated by responding to everything they said in case I was supposed to and that annoyed people as well. As a kid I was also prone to just walking up to people and hugging them but apparently you are not supposed to just do that. If I liked a boy I would just walk up and kiss him, but you are not supposed to do that either apparently.

Then on top of all that I have to figure out what the boundaries are and how I am expected to act in that situations as I do not always know why people are interacting with me. Something are obvious such as the rules of being in a class room or lecture hall or a drs appointment...there are set protocols for those things, but lets say I am out and about and someone approaches me and starts talking I do not know why they are doing so...are they being polite, are they trying to befriend me, if they are male do they like me or other?

Sometimes its obvious...they might ask for directions so obviously they want to know the way to somewhere but sometimes people just start talking and I have no idea why they are communicating with me.

When out I also have to try not to talk to myself and not to reveal that I am actually rubbing the piece of material I am carrying around with me and so.

I get headaches having to remember it all. Then I have to deal with crowds if the place is busy and then if I do go to a party I cannot hear a word people are saying over the background noise, all I get are bits and pieces of words that I cannot string together into anything meaningful so I have to keep saying "pardon" or just keep smiling and nodding in the hopes that I am putting them in the right place because I have no idea what the conversation is about.

To add to that with a history of being bullied I am nervous around people because of that.

And then people start yelling at me because I am being annoying and irritating them and...I get upset at that point and need to leave.

It is an awful lot to remember and it is very hard.

Sometimes it is easier not to socialise at all but that is lonely

@bumble: Yeah, it's not easy for sure. I do simplify "rules" sometimes, but not because life is that simple. I know it's not. I only do it in the interests of keeping it simple for the sake of brevity on the forums. Life is far more complicated than can ever be dealt with in forum posts. We all have to use judgment and discernment in individual situations. I think sometimes we might tend to project certain negative experiences onto future ones, thereby missing when people really are being patient with us. Sometimes I've found that other's patience with me actually causes me to miss when they are becoming exasperated with me, because I miss the nonverbal cues. They're not consciously trying to tell me, but it's happening. They know it too, but they aren't telling me. It would be easier for me if they just did.

It's complicated. When I think of "rules" I also picture in my head my kids, and what I would tell them. That can cause me to come across as parental, which I don't mean to. Also, it's taken me many, MANY years to develop what I'm able to do now, which isn't as good as my age peers, so I know it can take a very long time to develop skills, and I know each one of us has our own learning curves. Some steeper than others. Some may never be able to learn certain things. There are certain things I haven't learned.

I do feel just as you do about some things. Like there's not a damned thing I can do about it. All I can do is try to take other people's feelings into consideration. I don't expect myself or anyone else to ever be perfect with any of it.