Gender double standard and Autism

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This is ridiculous. I can point to multiple autistic men on this forum who have mentioned having wives. Picking one person who mentions a husband is not evidence that women have an easier time in relationships.



That statement is hilariously wrong. So is your conclusion that having AS does not affect a woman's ability to attract men (even with your caveat about "severe cases" - that's just an out to rationalize away women who do not agree with your assertions).

Women have to do a lot more than you think to attract male attention. Just being a woman is enough for men to make advances in many cases, but actually having a relationship with anyone requires more than just being a woman.

Being autistic is not simply one issue: "How difficult or easy it is to find a partner," And that one thing is not so clear cut as "women have it easy, men have it hard." You have had it hard in terms of relationships, and that's not unusual for autistic men or women.



And also tell women their observations are wrong, because of course women can't be experts on their own experiences.



People say many inane things. Just because people suggest you date autistic women does not mean you need to start a thread and tell autistic women what their lives are like (and argue with them when they disagree with your rather limited observations).

ok,here the thing,the women who complain how hard dating is are women who are married,or has a boyfriend,if not that,has had a good
amount of romantic and/or sexual partner(including ons,fwb)

yes,not every autism women can get dates,sex,relationships. but they rarely reply to these topic.
for whatever reason, autism women who have no trouble getting dates,sex,relationships are the one's who
get so offended whenever some guys make a thread like this.

Last edited by billiscool on 07 Jul 2013, 4:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.

England isn't so different from the US that autism takes on a different form than it does in the US.

Read the full article - much of it describes girls having more social difficulties than boys - something that is directly opposite to the claims you've made in this thread.

Also, just having sex isn't all that. It isn't going to change your life or guarantee you'll end up in a satisfying relationship. Nor is having a relationship always better than not having one.

The women who come into threads like this to explain how difficult dating is are not always married, do not always have a boyfriend or friend with benefits. Not all of the women who come into these threads are even straight.

For the record: I do not have a boyfriend, husband, or friend with benefits. I have not had a good amount of romantic or sexual partners. I was in an abusive, controlling relationship for five years, and I can guarantee you that no relationship would have been far better than that. I do not enjoy sex, I am not attracted to men, and I am still participating in this thread because you and Galvatron have no idea what you're talking about.

I also did try dating and found it exhausting and impossible to manage. I don't do enough emotional and social reciprocity to maintain relationships, and have been on dates without knowing that I was even dating, and those never became second dates (nor did many that I knew were dates) because I don't function well socially. As it turns out, I don't even like the idea of relationships because the pressure of being around someone often enough for long enough periods is exhausting in and of itself, and leaves me with much less time alone than I need to function as well as I can.

Plus, it seems that a lot of men who do have girlfriends, wives, or friends with benefits do not reply to these threads, and they somehow magically cease to exist to the proponents of "women have it easier" arguments.



I've participated in multiple topics of this nature since I joined this forum and I do not recall ever having seen you post to them before. I realize you might have read them and posted to those threads that were started before I joined, but I am not sure how you can come to such a conclusion about the women who post in them. Are you telepathic?

The reason women do not like these threads is because the claims made by people like yourself and Galvatron are factually wrong, clash heavily with their experiences, and because it seems that y'all are only interested in the content of your complaints. Anything women say in these threads gets contradicted or ignored because it doesn't fit into the "autistic man as ultimate victim" narrative that y'all seem so invested in.

I sympathize that you have difficulty with finding a relationship. However, autistic women are not responsible for that, and if you would just limit your discussions to your problems without finding a way to also complain about women, then perhaps you would find you would get more discussion and fewer arguments.

All it takes is the humility to accept that you are not an expert on women's experiences.

You still do not get it, do you? Women are not responsible for your dating troubles. Autistic women have nothing to do with your dating troubles. A thread in which you or galvatron or whomever declare your relationship problems by contrasting "how much better" autistic women have it is not only irrelevant, it doesn't make any sense. When women are in the thread disagreeing with you, is it really appropriate to tell them that what you think their relationships are like is what they are really like? Talk about your problems, don't try to make it into a struggle over who has it worse. Don't complain about autistic women's relationships.

Last time I came here to tell that I couldn't get dates and that I've been always rejected (I was relatively new and ignored the situation of the forums), nobody believed me, they said to me; "men have it more difficult" and ignored what I said without respect. That annoyed me a lot Maybe this is the reason women that can't get dates don't say anything here. You don't want to be judged when what you want is support, you don't want to be always demonstrating you are not lying when what you want is to talk about your issues in a forum that exists to try to help with that kind of issues!! !! !! ! It's too exhausting to fight against your prejudices before talking about our problems.
I've never talked about this again because I know nobody will never believe me, because this is a bastion of "poor nice guys vs. girls have it easier" and men's love problems are more important than love problems of women (because of course, our love problems don't exist). If one day I need to talk about my love life, I'll talk to my pillow.

And I'm not even diagnosed with anything, I'm just introverted and tomboyish (yeah, even NT) so not the "typical extroverted and sweet dream girl". Men can be picky too, but of course this possibility is inconceivable in these forums! Some members here don't know anything about the private lives of female members, I can't understand why some of them act like very strict judges.

Last edited by BanjoGirl on 07 Jul 2013, 4:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I never said they did. I never once brought up my relationship status on this topic.

oh,yeah I remember that thread.

Ah, you're right. You're simply defending Galvetron's views in which he makes broad generalizations about autistic women and relationships to demonstrate that he has it worse. This does not invalidate my points, and it's not really helpful to take a stance in a thread and then disclaim it once anyone casts a critical perspective on it.

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp5164615.html&highlight=

Of course picking one person (or more) is not an evidence, and the above is only a limited survey, but even then...

"Only 11 (or 18.6%) of the 59 male adults with an ASD were currently in a romantic relationship whereas 33 (or 57.9%) of the 57 female adults with an ASD were currently in a romantic relationship. "

I see similar numbers again and again, and the same implications that non of the genders have it harder in relationships again and again...

My experience is that being SOCIALLY AWKWARD is more acceptable than in men than women.
Thus, being socially ret*d and female will get you more harshly judged.

Having a relationship does not mean having an easier time in that relationship. I was in a relationship for five years... but it was abusive. So, did I do better because I had one, or was I more vulnerable to someone who could act charming until I was isolated from friends and family and then the mask came off? Should I mention that this person tried on more than one occasion to coerce me into having sex I didn't want to have? Is that kind of sex better than no sex?

Also, I wouldn't use polls here to determine things. At best I would use them to identify possible avenues for further research.

Look at the article whirlingmind linked. It mentions several studies that indicated that autistic women also have issues in relationships.

I would love to see such a survey under more controlled conditions that not only identified relationship status for each individual, but also the standards each individual expects to hold any potential partner to. There are probably other factors as well.

Ah, you're right. You're simply defending Galvetron's views in which he makes broad generalizations about autistic women and relationships to demonstrate that he has it worse. This does not invalidate my points, and it's not really helpful to take a stance in a thread and then disclaim it once anyone casts a critical perspective on it.[/quote]



you are the first ''true''single women I ever had a discussion with on this type of issue.
usually women I debate in the past. were women who were in a relationship, or had
a fwb or could get casual sex.

you actual have a legit claim (your single, don't get along with men)
so I will listen to you. but any women who claims to struggle
but has a husband,boyfriends,fwb,casual sex I am not
going to listen to.

my agrument is against women who say they having dating troubles
when they cleary don't.

not against you,or banjo girl who actual do struggle in dating
(no husband,no bf,no fwb,no casual sex)

Last edited by billiscool on 07 Jul 2013, 5:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I was never married, engaged, living with someone, or even in a serious relationship. I've barely even been on dates. The two boyfriends I had were just people I hung out with and had sex with until I got knocked up and they took off. I haven't dated in 20 years or had sex in 18 years.

But having those things doesn't mean that they don't struggle. I know a woman who is not autistic at all, who has a "friends with benefits" situation, and said friend often bullies her, or tries to shift things around so they always have sex when he wants it but never when she wants it. Many of her friends (whom I also know - we're in an MMO guild) have told her to ditch him and perceive many of his actions as downright abusive.



It's not so black and white. Having a relationship doesn't mean not having struggles. As an example directly applicable to autistic men in relationships, there's the invention of "Cassandra affective deprivation disorder" which takes the struggles autistic men have with their wives and twists it into the autistic man actually being at fault for every problem in the relationship. If being in a relationship meant no struggles (and even NTs struggle in relationships) then no one would have been able to prey on women in these relationships by selling them a narrative that they're being victimized because their husbands are autistic.

And that's not just men, but I wanted to be clear that I do not think anyone in relationships automatically has it easy. I have seen articles and posts written by partners of autistic people, people with ADHD, people with bipolar disorder, people with other psychological and neurological disorders, in which every little thing, every problem, everything going wrong is blamed on the disorder and by extension the person with the disorder. I've seen men and women talk about their issues with partners regardless of the partner's gender in such a way that both absolves them of responsibility for things going badly, and casts themselves in a kind of surrogate parent role relative to their disabled partner (my ex did this as well).

Just having a relationship isn't enough to say "You've made it, you have no problems."

And my issue isn't that I do not get along with men. I get along with men fine, sometimes better than I do with many women. However, I am not attracted to men. For a long time I considered myself a lesbian until I realized that I wasn't really interested in sex with women either, and that relationships as an idea seemed far more attractive than relationships as a reality. I see people in relationships mind each others' business to a degree that I would experience as invasive and intrusive, and that's something I couldn't handle. And when I was in that abusive relationship, which was much worse than that, I didn't handle it. I became significantly less functional than I am now (and my functioning is not all that great as far as the "HFA" category goes) because even during the "good" times when my ex was agreeable and not being abusive, I still didn't have enough personal time to decompress.

I think that kind of interaction (not the abuse, the closeness and mutual concern) is something that is good for a lot of people, but I can't cope with it.

so are you an asexual.

Last edited by billiscool on 07 Jul 2013, 5:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.