Harmless Autism Jokes

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My wife arrives home from the grocery store, her arms are over flowing with grocery sacks, she keeps looking at me while she makes weird gestures with her arms and clearing her throat with these "eh hm" sounds. So I grab her a cough drop.

Last week my mom asked if the trash is being picked up today. I say I didn't know and she said the trash in the kitchen was full. My dad said trash pick up was last week. Then few minutes later my mom says to me I didn't take out the trash so I told her she never told me to.

I found the maths for electrical engineering difficult so I asked my imaginary friend to help me. His name was Jay.

He was nice as pi but not so irrational.

i think these are all funny. I don't understand why people bother getting butthurt from jokes (as long as they are meant to be funny)

Me on the sofa, during a therapy session.

X: the good news is that your not crazy Erewhon
Y: and the bad news?

I like the "Pi" jokes. Very clever!

A real book title every cat lover would enjoy:

All Cats Have Asperger Syndrome

Some little spectrum-songs.
You need to understand Dutch, or use a translator to get the message-key

My first language was German, which is very similar. I understood quite a bit, surprisingly, even though I haven't spoken German since I was six.

Probably you understand this one to Istominfan.


A autist who have a eye for detail. Look there, 35 kilometer ahead stands a cow who is pooping.

I went to a new FastFood place last night. Bunch of autistic guys run it. I had to ask for a refund. Literally. I asked for rump steak but what I had was Assburgers.

An Aspie comes back from the shop with 12 loaves and hands them to his wife. She says, "What are all these?" Aspie says, "You said get me a loaf of bread and if they have eggs then get me a dozen; well they had eggs!"

I am 6 years old, and i do a imitation of Woody-Woodpecker.

Here are some NT jokes:

How do you know when an NT has something on his mind?
When he wears a hat.

How do you make an NT's eyes light up?
You stick a flashlight into his mouth.

How do you know when an NT is lying?
When their lips are moving.

How many NTs does it take to change a light bulb?
Who cares?

Why did the NT cross the road?
I dunno, why do they do anything?

Offended? Good, now you know how we feel.

@lostonearth35, in my country we also say when a politician moves his lips he is lying. Unfortunely, thats not a harmless joke but its reality.

***
I have lost my brains, or maybe i never have them, thats also possible

Afgelopen week ben ik mijn hersenen ergens kwijt geraakt, waar precies kan ik me niet meer herrineren. Op zich wel logisch want mijn geheugen zit namelijk in dat orgaan wat ik kwijt ben geraakt. Mogelijk dat het uit mijn kop is gevallen in het kleedhokje van het zwembad. Dat het gestolen is kan ik me moeilijk voorstellen, je kunt er immers niet zo veel mee, tenzij het is gestolen om als voedsel te geven aan een of andere roofvogel. Ik 'blow' niet, dus het 'blow my mind' is ook niet aannemelijk. Doorgaans slaap ik niet met mijn schedel ondersteboven. Derhalve is het ook niet plausibel dat het door de zwaartekracht nu onder mijn bed ligt.

Hoe het ook zij, nu ik zonder hersenen door het leven drentel is het alles bij mekaar zo slecht nog niet.
Dit gezegd hebben de verzoek ik iedereen die mijn hersenen vind om het gewoon te laten liggen waar het ligt.
Ook als transplantatie naar je eigen schedel kan ik het ten strengste af raden, doe dit vooral niet.