punish or accommodate autistic kid for mealtime behaviour?

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And about your daughter licking her fingers, I am not saying that she has any autistic traits, but you might think about that even normal kids sometimes engage in socially less desired behaviors that are calming. And if licking her fingers is hard for her to give up, rather than asking her to accommodate her brother, perhaps there is an alternative that would satisfy her needs. Chewing gum when she is done eating occurs to me, or some kind of end of mealtime game or ritual, it could be any sort of behavior that gives her an outlet.

And if you have any concern she isn't completely neurotypical---girls often try really hard to fit in, don't let her needs disappear in the face of her brother's more obvious issues. Guess as a woman who has been taught accommodate accommodate accommodate, I feel a bit protective of your daughter. You sound like a calm and caring mom, though, please don't take as negative. I just know it hurts me to always need to be accommodating the louder people in the universe. They don't necessarily need more than us quieter more compliant individuals.

Hmmm. I can't help but think there is some kind of sibling rivalry going on here. I used to pick on my sister for all kinds of silly reasons....actually I was quite a bully since she was younger. But I don't know how I would deal with it. Again, you said that no one else seems to think your daughter eats like a slob, so I have a hard time believing this is the real problem.

And since you've started punishing him for it, I doubt he ever will tell you, because he probably thinks that if he tells you, you'll just get mad at him.

I've been thinking about this since my last post.
It's common for people on the spectrum to not be able to identify feelings. We can describe what it feels like, but not know the word for it. Maybe in your son's case, he doesn't know the words to explain to you what bothers him about looking at his sister while she's eating. Maybe he's embarrassed about it because he thinks everyone will think he's crazy or making it up. (I know that happens to me sometimes. If I try to explain why something bothers me, people will snicker and roll their eyes as if I'm being ridiculous).

When I was a child I used to become very upset at the sounds my dad would make when eating. The dude was and is a loud eater. I'm no miss manners, but his eating... just made me blindingly angry.

He would chew with his mouth open, talk with his mouth open, scrape the fork against his teeth with EVERY bite (aaarrrrrggg) and he had TMJ which caused a lot of crackling and popping in there. The tMJ bothered me the least because that is definately outside of his control. The rest though? I just DREADED dinner when I was a kid. Hated it. If I said anything I got told to basically stuff it. Honestly though, it dod make me a little more tolerant of other people eating. I think. No one, in my view, could be as loud or as disgusting. As my dad.

Now WAS he actually as bad as I remember? No, not really. Now I'm an adult, I'm more objective. I can see it's not really that bad OBJECTIVELY. However, like pavlovs dog, I still trigger when my dad eats around me. And this right here is my entire point. I doubt she's really doing anything that bad or offensive. It more than likely that she has triggered him once or twice and now hes fixated and blown it up. If it stays focussed only on her and her eating habits, I'd say thats a win. OTherwise my only suggestion is to give him some earplugs during dinner and tell him not to look at her. But I would not let him build a barrier. He needs to learn to bite his tongue and put up with all sorts of things that will bother him. Here is a chance to learn to do it in a controlled environment. I don't think her eating will ever "not" bother him.

If he is teasing his sister, you should tell him that it really hurts her. This is kind of a sticky situation, so maybe there is a way to find a balance. That is, if it is not just him teasing his sister.

I missed the chewing with her mouth open bit. I'm sorry but Shame on you for not teaching her not to do that (unless she has a medical condition) that would have been unacceptable at my table growing up and for a good reason, it's disgusting! And she's11? Lady, I don't believe one has to have Aspergers to be grossed out ( though I'm grossed out by the thought of this....I'm about to eat).
I honestly see that you obviously prefer your daughter over your son. This is despicable...and you call him disabled! Lady, some of us are more able than you. While us aspies are known for a lack of social skills, it appears that your younger Aspie son has a better idea of what proper table manners are than your older NT daughter.

Hey, calm down--it's table manners; it's not like she's taught her child it's okay to punch people in the face or something. Some people don't care about table manners, and it doesn't hurt anybody except in the unusual case that someone is literally in distress because they have to hear and see someone else eating. That this is one of those unusual cases, means that everybody has to accommodate everybody else. But in the average family, nobody has misophonia, and it's not going to hurt people if there's a bit of smacking and slurping going on. This isn't negligent parenting; it's parents with a different set of values that doesn't have good table manners too near the top of the list. It's really just bad luck that a family where nobody minds if you chew with your mouth open, is the same family where one of the kids is really grossed out by that kind of thing. It means things will have to change... it doesn't mean that things were bad to begin with.

At least it means that the little girl will learn how to behave at a fancy dinner party before she has to attend one. In the end, that's a net benefit for her. And she'll learn that things that are perfectly fine for her to do, can bother other people very badly--another good lesson for a kid to learn, especially in our modern multicultural society.

At least it means that the little girl will learn how to behave at a fancy dinner party before she has to attend one. In the end, that's a net benefit for her. And she'll learn that things that are perfectly fine for her to do, can bother other people very badly--another good lesson for a kid to learn, especially in our modern multicultural society.[/quote]

Yeah. Especially since she'll be going on dates in a couple of years. I actually have a friend who's 34 and still chews with his mouth open. I hate eating with him because of this. So yeah, the older one gets, the harder habits like this are to break.

I don't remember that this unfortunate 11 year old girl coming in for so much criticism chews with her mouth open. She got Nutella on her finger from her piece of toast and licked her finger. If she should be corrected for this, or if she were to have chewed with her mouth open which I did not see she did, then IMO that is the parents job to correct. Not her younger brothers.

Living with someone who put boxes up against me and tried to get me upset I'd have trouble remembering to use any table manners at all. Good table manners include pleasant conversation and polite behavior. If we are going to work on good manners, he has made a great start by dropping the boxes and I am happy for the OP that she has helped her son see something he needed to correct. In the real world, the negative consequences for him if he continued that behavior would be much greater than for what his sister did. But either way, it's the parents job to correct. And then there is the issue of his correcting his older sister. I he were to be trying to get older children in trouble in school for behavior that isn't about his being mistreated, they would not respond well. And if he is able to work, the boss may do things that are impolite. He needs to understand the whole hierarchy thing enough to survive. This is IMO part of learning that he needs to do.

Serve him his food in the living room with the TV off, no computer and no book to read during supper. Also no dessert. Do this at all the meals until he can start acting like a human being at the table. He's obviously doing it to bother her because he's not doing it at restaurants. What gross habits is he talking about? Does she make noise when she chews or does she chew with her mouth open, or blow her nose at the table, etc?

Ask him exactly what she is doing that bothers him and then see if you can notice it. If she is doing something like that, work with her on stopping it because other kids will notice. I used to always chew with my mouth open when I was little because I couldnt breath through my nose and it grossed people out. I had to learn not to.

If she isn't doing anything at all, then send him to the other room with no tv, computer, telephone, book or conversation until everyone is done with their meals. Also no dessert. Insist that he sit there at his tv tray table until everyone else has finished eating their meal and dessert.

If that were me, I'd take the deal and eat in the living room as long as they'd let me. No dessert in exchange for peace and quiet at dinnertime? Done!

I would even face the wall. I would actually enjoy that very much.

That is what I did when I was young and we had company over. I ate by myself in the living room. I even did that on Thanksgiving if we had company.

It would have been nice if my school had been accommodating. I didn't like to eat in front of most people when I was younger. The school still insisted that I eat in the lunch room so I just didn't eat lunch.

I have a friend who is 43, and chews with her mouth open, and talks with food in her mouth. She gets little bits of food all over her lips, and she even spits little bits of food when she talks with food in her mouth. She eats like a barnyard animal. It's disgusting. Oddly enough though, she doesn't make a lot of noise when she eats. At least, not that I can remember. Which is good, because I can just look away while she has food in her mouth, and it doesn't bother me. If she made noise too, it would drive me nuts until she's finished eating.
Luckily, I only have to see her for about an hour once a week.
I don't understand how people make it to that age without someone saying something about the way they eat. Unless everyone she knows eats like that too. In which case, I will never go to her house for dinner.

I used to eat by myself because I think manners are stupid. My parents would enforce rules with me, but I could see everyone else ignoring their little rules and I was the only one that was forced to have these manners.

That's why I commented on this. It seems very unfair. You don't consider the girl rude for licking her fingers, but the boy is rude for not liking it and putting up a physical wall. Both children are upset, but only one is punished. IMO, this is not a situation for punishment, even. It should be correction and both children learning how to compromise. From my point of view, it looks like the son is being singled out. I totally know how that feels because I was also singled out.

As an adult, people chewing food (especially something loud) still freaks me out. I hear the swishing of the spit, the moist food, and I just lose it. Ironically, I chew with my mouth open and food gets everywhere. I lick my fingers all of the time. I don't even realize I do it.

So, my husband and I sort of have a "deal". If I do something he can't take, I try VERY hard to stop it at that time. If he is doing something I can't take, he does the same. We try hard to respect each others' boundaries and compromise, at least with food and eating. In the real world, compromise is needed. Of course, as an adult, others probably won't tolerate him blocking their view. But he's 9, and he might not have any coping skills. As I grew up, I now have options. I'm allowed to leave the table, the room, or even my apartment. Perhaps if you gave him options, he would be able to cope better.

I'm just very against assuming anything with children. I tried so many times to explain my feelings when I was young, but all that came out was screaming and throwing things. This is why children tend to like me. I take the time to remember what it's like to be a child. When you're a child, "little" things can seem like the end of the world. To move past this, some children just need a little more help (understanding and ways of coping).